Finally Moving On

After 3 years, 1 month, and 20 days I am finally on the cusp of moving on with my life.  It is hard to believe how many things will be changing in the next couple of weeks -- and I am both thrilled and excited.  I have finally sold my house in NJ and will be moving out in 2 days - closing in 3.  And I have finally bought the house I have been dreaming of in Florida -- plan on closing there mid-October.

Three and a half years ago I was sure that I would be a Jersey girl for the rest of my life.  Three and a half years ago I had three beautiful grand babies and was sure that my three children were all one and done.  Three and a half years ago I was what I thought was "happily" married and definitely dependent on my husband.  Three and a half years ago I had several BFF (Best Friends Forever) and I knew that we would all be BFF forever.  Well, as the saying goes: man thinks and plans while god laughs!!!  Because not quite three and a half years ago, the world as I knew it came to a grinding halt and my life changed forever.

I could dwell on the negatives and scary moments when for the first time in my life I was forced to live by myself and take care of myself.  I didn't think that I could do this on my own -- but I was wrong!  I truly am a strong and very capable woman and I don't need a man to change a light bulb, kill a bug, take me traveling abroad, buy a new car, sell then pack up the place that has been my home for 18 years, or buy a new home in a different state.  I can do this on my own!!  Yay me!!

I could dwell on the devastating betrayal by an ex who never ever said he was unhappy during 42 years of marriage only to walk out claiming to have been miserable for years.  This same ex who is now married the woman he left me for -- the two of them deserve each other.  May they soon do to each other what they did to me.  I have finally come to the realization that I am so much better off without him.  It would be nice to have a loving and caring man in my life -- but I don't need a man to complete me.  I really can do it on my own.

I could dwell on the hurt caused by BFF who no longer had room for me in their lives the minute my ex left.  I became the person they could meet for lunch or dinner on a night when their husbands were otherwise occupied.  I became the person who they found it easy to stop talking to the moment I didn't comply with their wishes and commands.  I became the person whose calls and texts could easily be ignored until they were finished dealing with their coupled friends.  Instead, I find myself dealing with a network of old and new friends who are truly there for me because they understand what I am going through.  These women (and some men too) have been willing to drop their own activities the moment I ask for help.  These new friends respond to my calls and texts, and have time to see me -- even on weekends. These new friends who think about us and not just about themselves.

I could dwell on the nieces, and the nephews, and the in-laws who started acting as if I didn't exist the moment my ex left.  But why bother!  These are the same people who were over at my house on every single holiday and special occasion but never reciprocated.  These are the same people who complained about gifts they were given but never gave me a thing.  For all the nieces, and nephews, and in-laws who cut me off for no reason, there are other nieces, and nephews, and in-laws who have gone out of their way to make sure I feel loved and included.

And I no longer have just three beautiful grand babies -- I now have six gifts from God who light up my life!!  Looks like my children were more of the mindset of two and done!!  I feel truly blessed, happy, and fulfilled.

Ironically, the bottom line is that I am actually grateful to the man who walked out 3 years, 1 month, and 20 days ago.  Without that, I would have been stuck in a marriage to a man who truly didn't love me although he hid that fact from me for God knows how long.  I would have been complacently at peace but never ecstatic.  I would have remained BFF with people who don't really care about me.  I would have remained subservient to a group of extended family who know how to take but never give.  I would have never learned just how strong, capable, and loving I can be.  I would have never met a group of wonderful, independent, and caring women who are so much a part of my life at the moment. All in all, I got the better end of the deal when my ex walked out of my life.  And now I am excited and happy -- I am on my own but I am not alone.

Two years later ...

Two years ago when my husband David first left I was both despondent and delusional.  My safe and comfortable existence suddenly evaporated around me. Since he had never complained about our relationship, I was certain that there was no real problem and that he was going through a delayed mid-life crisis.  I was so sure that he would quickly see the error of his ways and come home begging to be forgiven -- and I was so ready to forgive, forget, and move on with things.  But he didn't come back, and he didn't beg to be forgiven, and he didn't ask to be taken back.

Instead I found out about the other woman - Joann, the troll-whore head nurse in the office where he was medical director -- the one who always asked me to share my recipes with her and insisted on sitting next to me at office parties and special occasions -- the one I thought was my friend.  Twice divorced and after losing one boyfriend after another, she apparently set her sites on my husband -- and he apparently was a very willing participant.  Within a month after David left, he freely admitted to be dating her exclusively -- although he insisted that he had only started seeing her after he left me.  Really?!?!?  One month of casual dating and they were already exclusive?  He was still married to me and going through the charade of attempting to reconcile at that time.  A couple of months after that, they were already openly living together.  Hindsight is 20-20.  He never gave anyone including his children the address of the furnished apartment where he moved when he left home -- most likely because that apartment was the troll's and it was furnished with her belongings.  Then, about a year ago, he asked for (actually insisted on) a divorce so that HE could have closure!

I have spent the last two years trying to move on.  Definitely not as easy as I thought it would be.  I haven't been comfortable with any man I've met through dating sites.  At my age (although I don't look it, I don't lie) there hasn't been much interest.  The few who have shown an interest have been either sick or looking for someone to take care of them financially.  I have met a large number of single women in my age range and have made so many good women friends -- but it would be really nice to get a little bit of attention from the opposite sex.  At least a nice man who whom I could share a nice conversation on a Saturday night.

I tried to sell my house but made the huge mistake of hiring a friend who only does real estate part time and does not work in this area.  The house sold immediately but that deal fell through within weeks.  My realtor did not know how to deal with the demographics of those purchasing in my area, said all the wrong things, and lost the deal instead of negotiating a final settlement.  After that, the house sat for a couple of month's with very little interest.  So I decided to take the house off the market for now, redo the back yard, put the house back on the market next spring with a different realtor.  In the meantime, I am making the attempt to refinance the mortgage getting David's name off of it and getting a much lower interest rate.  Only problem I may face is due to David being 65.  He is capable of retiring at 67 - and if he does, alimony stops.  But if I am denied, the letter of denial would work in my favor this coming April.  The divorce decree gives me one year to refinance or make the attempt to sell.  I am planning on putting the house back on the market by the beginning or March.  He can't force me out or make me take a low price if I am already showing due diligence.  It will sell when it sells -- hopefully at a good price for me.

I really do want to relocate to Lake Ashton, Florida.  Loved the community when I went to visit my daughter's in-laws this past March.  It's a very active 55+ gated community of lovely newer private homes situated on two golf courses.  When I visited it felt like being in camp.  I truly believe that I can restart my life there, pursue a lot of interests and hobbies (ceramics, bridge, theater, books, exercise), learn some new stuff (golf, tennis), and meet someone in an appropriate age range while pursuing these interests.  At this point my dream of Florida is not dead -- it's just delayed.

One Expensive and Diasterous Evening

This evening has been a disaster.  I had taken out a hearing aid to speak on the phone and forgot to put it back in.  I left to meet a new friend, Miriam, at the movies - we were going to see American Hustle and she was buying the tickets. Got halfway down my block and realized I didn't have the hearing aid -- so I backed up and ran right into my mailbox in the fog.  Knocked the mailbox right off of the post, bent the post, and put a good dent into my car.

Ran into the house to get my hearing aid and then rushed off to meet up with Miriam.  A mile down the road, I am suddenly thumping and first realize that I have a flat tire.  Had to call Miriam to cancel at the last minute -- I was so embarrassed.  Luckily she was able to return my ticket but don't know if she went to see the movie on her own and returned her ticket too.  Great way to start a new friendship -- if she even wants anything else to do with me. 

Called AAA and was told it would be a 30-60 minute wait.  Got hysterical.  

Called my daughter who sent over my son-in-law to stay with me until AAA came and put on the spare.

Called my contractor Tom so that he can come and fix the mailbox or put in a new one altogether.  Good news is that I always hated that mailbox!

AAA put on my spare -- I have to go to Pep Boys first thing in the morning and hopefully they'll have the right tire for my car.  The spare is a full tire and not a donut, but now that the spare is on the car, I don't have a spare.

 Now I'm home -- no mailbox, no tire, no movie - and it was still a very expensive evening!

A New Broom

Happy New Year!

Last night was my first New Year's Eve in 46 years that I spent on my own.  Not alone, but on my own.  Went to a buffet dinner party at a friend of Alyse and Gerry.  Really wasn't that bad -- the men all sat in the den and watched sports; the women all sat in the kitchen/dining room near the food and talked.  The only problem was that the party started at 7:00 PM which is rather early for a party that is supposed to last past midnight.  Food and dessert had all been served by 10:00 so I didn't at all feel bad leaving at 11:00 - well before the ball dropped and people coupled up to kiss in the new year.  Watching that would have depressed me.

I joined Match.com -- there are some men who are not on POF and there are some who I already saw on the POF site.  At least my profile and photos are new and refreshed.  Getting some interest but who knows.

Actually have a date tonight.  Who showed up on Match.com but my old friend Marc?  I still don't understand why he blew me off when we had such a great time at drinks.  And since he is now showing up prominently on both Match.com and POF searches I sent him a note saying that obviously the internet dating gods think we should be together - so what happened.

Wound up having a long talk yesterday and I invited him over for dinner today.  Yeah - I know - I must be crazy - but I liked him!  Not sure what to expect - but at least we will be on my turf.  If I don't like what he is saying or where the evening is heading I can always ask him to leave.  Just want some closure on one thing in my life for a change.

There's Nothing Like Alone for the Holidays

The last guy I met on POF (the one who decided that pizza dinner at his house after a 45 minute conversation was appropriate) never called or wrote back.  I have messaged other men on POF but they have either not contacted me or briefly written back only to have the conversation fizzle before I even met them.  One guy wrote to me after a month of silence -- said he wished me as happy a holiday as I could have given my situation.  I wrote back wishing him a happy holiday too and asking if he wanted to meet for a drink.  No response - guess I'll have to wait another month.

I am so sick and tired of the men on POF -- I am really not finding anyone new and interesting.  And since I really don't like being alone for the holidays, I am almost tempted to write back to pizza guy and ask for a do over!  Man I must be desperate!

I decided to sign up for Match.com right after the New Year.  I've been advised that the men on paid sites take things much more seriously than the men on free sites.  I wrote up a brand new profile and had my friend Alyse (a semi-pro photographer) take photos of me yesterday (some even came out okay).  Guess I should sign up today, but I am so nervous about being rejected or getting no responses.  I'm psyching myself to sign up January 1, 2014.  Six months for ~$100 is not terrible - I guess.


Now here is a new issue.  When David first left, my friends were uber-supportive: called and emailed constantly; dropped things to have lunch and dinner with me; called him an asshole even when I was still defending him.  But when it came to introducing me to men, Jill and Michele (my best friends) said they knew no one and that I would have to make new friends who were in my position.  Well, friends are calling and emailing less often (can understand this); lunches and dinner are occurring less frequently (sort of get this); and calling him names has lessened. 

I know that Harvey (of Jill and Harvey) and Marc (of Michele and Marc) have met David for dinner on several Wednesday nights -- this doesn't bother me except that my friends seem to be hiding this rather than letting me know (may be I can condone this).  When I asked Michele to do lunch on Christmas Eve day (knew she wasn't working) she told me that it wasn't a good time because Marc was home.  Not to join her and Marc for lunch - just can't do it cause Marc is around.  Then yesterday night, I sign onto Facebook and see on my news-feed that Jill and David are now "friends".  Are you kidding me?!?!  I know Jill uses David as a doctor but they were never friends -- he never called her and they never did anything together if I wasn't involved and hadn't planned it.  Jill was my friend and he was "husband-of-friend".  I am so pissed. 

I messaged Jill saying, "He dumps me for his whore troll nurse; lies about it to everyone; and still doesn't want his office staff to know we are separated, let alone that he is seeing her.  And you become his Facebook buddy?  Seriously?". 

She wrote back this morning "Connie seriously believe it.  He's my doctor and I wanted to know what was happening just in case I need to change.  This is not about his love life ...Really".

I wrote back "I fully understand that you have a professional relationship - but he is not using Facebook professionally.  I can even understand Harvey having more than a professional relationship with him.  Do whatever you feel comfortable doing."  And she answers "Thanks".  Does she think I am saying go ahead and be his friend, I don't mind.  She's as crazy as he always said she was. 

I'm not sure that I am talking to Jill any more.  She's the one who told me to rent a movie when I was upset that I would be sitting home alone for New Year's Eve.  When I told my not so close friend Alyse that Jill told me to rent a movie, Alyse insisted that I join her and her husband for New Year's eve no matter what they are doing so I won't be alone.  It is becoming more and more obvious that I have chosen very sucky people to be closest to me over the years.

I Am Starting to Hate Men

Argh!  I hate men!!!

The guy who I was supposed to meet for drinks last Friday (the one who canceled saying that there was a family illness) emailed me back on Sunday morning saying that things had resolved and asking if I was still interested in meeting him.  I was at a Divorce Support Meetup in Metuchen when I got the email so I wrote back that I would be home later that day and could meet him that evening.

We met at Thatcher McGhee’s in Denville at 4:00 and had a great conversation over drinks despite it being an extremely noisy sports bar.  He then asked me to have dinner with him and I agreed – but then he said he had to go home and feed his puppy.  Asked if I would follow him and wait in my car for him to take care of the dog so we could proceed to dinner – again I agreed.  Everything was fine until he finished taking care of his dog.  By then the weather had changed and he decided it would be better if he ordered in pizza and we ate at his house.  Whoa -- not exactly my idea of a great meal; nor did I want to spend the evening at his house after just meeting him.  Said I would rather return to Denville (which is halfway between us) and eat in any restaurant – at least I’d be closer to home and have less driving in the worsening weather.  He kept on pressuring me to come in at get cozy, but I really wasn’t comfortable.  He then hugged me and I started wondering if I was going to have to knee him to make him let go.  Finally pushed him away and told him I had just met him and don’t do this after an hour.   He thought about it for a second and said that it might be best if we did dinner another time because he was getting concerned about my driving home alone on icy roads.  He even asked me to text him when I got home, which I did.  He responded telling me to sleep well.

Not a terrible start despite a little bit of pressure.  I expected to hear from him the next day so we could reschedule, but not a word.  Nor did I hear from him on Tuesday.  Told my daughter the story and told her that although I really enjoyed the conversation while we were at the bar, I really didn’t like the pressure and now didn’t think he was going to call back.  She told me I was being too paranoid and pessimistic and also said that I should have stayed and had pizza with him if I liked him.

So I thought about it.  Am I too old fashioned?  Late this afternoon wrote him a casual email saying that I have been out of the dating scene for a long time and didn’t know what to expect and I asked him if he wanted to meet again.  So what does this ASSHOLE do?  He writes back that I am not emotional available and that newly separated people often get into rebound relationships.  He says that he is looking for long term – and I am obviously not ready which was made evident to him because I attended a divorce support group.  Then to top things off, he tells me that I could either plead my case to him so as to change his mind or we could be friends with benefits. 

SERIOUSLY?  I was so pissed that I sent him an email telling him off.  Told him that

1. I was not going to plead my case to him and that he had no idea what a divorce support group was.
2. he has been divorced for 10 years and was only married for about 10 -15 years.  I was married for 42 years.  What gave him the right to lecture me about lasting and long term?  And why hadn’t he already found a perfect relationship after 10 years?
3. even if I had already been divorced 10 years, I wouldn’t have jumped into bed with him after meeting him for less than 1 hour and not even knowing his last name  – that is not me
4. I had enough friends and didn’t need or want his friendship.

Please tell me that it gets better than this!!!!!

Up & down & all around

The past few weeks have been quite the ride.  I met a new man for drinks tonight -- the weather turned ugly so we let it go with only drinks.  I think he is interested -- kept on telling me that I was beautiful (??) and wonderful and that David must be crazy to have left.  But I'm not sure if he was saying that to try to get me into bed or if he is interested.  We'll have to see if he calls back and asks for a second date.

Getting to actually meet on this "first" date was hard enough.  Met Marc online just before Thanksgiving.  He's a MD-PhD with an MBA -  a lot of degrees there so he can't be stupid.  He had his family over; I had Thanksgiving at Ann & John's, dinner with my brother & nephew,  and Chanukah here last Sunday - so last weekend was out.  Then on Monday Marc asked me out for this Friday.  We emailed back and forth a lot and he even called Monday night to make sure I had the information correct.  Didn't hear from him on Tuesday then got email on Wednesday that he had to cancel and that he couldn't reschedule due to an "illness in the family".  Everyone including me thought that this was a blow off if there ever was one.

Then today while I was at a Divorce Support group in Metuchen, I got an email from Marc asking if I wanted to meet today?  Why not -- I wasn't doing anything and he seemed like a good prospect.

Met at Thatcher McGhee's in Denville for drinks and had a nice conversation despite the place being VERY noisy.  He is okay looking -- definitely not an Adonis; shorter than he claims online (he said 5'6"; I think closer to 5'4"); claims to have an athletic body (not sure which sport he is thinking of -- definitely not athletic); he is smart (Cornell graduate and then there are all those advanced degrees); and he is easy to talk to.  I would see him again -- but will have to see if he calls back and asks me out again.

So it starts!