I prayed that it would rain cats and dogs this weekend. Not that I want to ruin anyone else's Labor Day weekend - but man do I want to ruin his. But the most I've gotten as a response to my prayers so far are gray skies. Not enough! He left me! He wants to be alone! So why is he away in LBI for the holiday weekend with his office manager (and her family?) while I am sitting home by myself? Please god, make him miserable too - he deserves it! Let it rain!!!!!
Okay - I am not alone 24/7 like I thought I would be. I spent Thursday evening at Josh's with Ann, Emma, and Jacob. I had dinner last night with Daniel. I have been invited to join Michele and Marc for dinner tonight. I will be going over to Josh's tomorrow for dinner with Ann and John. And I am supposed to go into the city with Jane and Joe on Monday (if it doesn't rain - lord, rain on LBI, not here). So I am not alone -- it just feels like I am alone.
Dinner with Daniel last night was lovely. Of my three children he is the quietest and hardest for me to talk to. But we were able to maintain a conversation throughout an almost 2 hour dinner. We ate at Roots in Morristown -- met there because Daniel was running late after work. My steak was only so-so -- it tasted good but was VERY gristly. The sides (grilled asparagus and mushrooms in herb sauce) were a bit salty, but tasty. My fig cosmo was the highlight of my meal and was delicious! After dinner we each went our separate ways.
On the ride home I got a call from Michele inviting me to dinner tonight. Almost said no because I didn't want to impose on her time with Marc -- but I didn't. Got to learn to gratefully accept what is given to me. "You get what you get and you don't get upset".
This morning's chores include taking care of dogs, doing laundry, watering plants, and baking french macaroons. I used a fuschia dye in the macaroons this time and will fill them with espresso chocolate ganache. Unfortunately I outsmarted myself a little. Last time it took forever for the macaroons to bake using a convection oven setting. This time I baked them using a regular oven setting - but the heat wasn't even so the macaroons baked with little baseball cap-like brims. Also, my ganache is not setting as quickly as I had hoped so I have to wait before I can fill the cookies. If the ganache is not set by the time I finish my blog and get dressed, I'll put it into the refrigerator for a bit to hurry things along.
Oh well -- the sky is getting grayer by the moment! Yay!! I hope it pours on LBI.
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Friday, August 30, 2013
A Different Kind of Friday
For the past three years almost every Friday has been centered around Natalie -- and David has always been here to participate in the fun. However, Natalie and Caroline went to Caroline's mom's house in MD yesterday for a long last weekend before school starts on September 9. David has a business trip to PA today and most likely would have not come even if he were free since Natalie is not here. So for the first Friday in ages, I am alone to do nothing by myself.
I went over to Josh's yesterday evening to spend the evening with Ann (Josh's MIL), Emma (Jacob's Aux Pair), and Jacob. Josh and Lauren are in Bermuda for the holiday weekend to celebrate Josh's birthday. I would have liked to talk a little more to Ann privately, but feel a little uncomfortable speaking in front of 19 year old Emma. We did get a chance to have a little privacy but I was uncomfortable because I am sensing a hostility toward David in her. I am not at all sure why this bothers me, but it does. Why am I still loyal to and protective of him when he doesn't care how much he has hurt me? Am I still hoping for a reconciliation? I now doubt that will ever come to pass. We are supposedly having dinner alone next Saturday -- our "date" -- but I am starting to question why either one of us is doing this. If there is no hope of ever getting back together then we really need to move on.
I did the bills by myself this morning and I am hoping that I didn't screw things up. Oh well, nothing other than my marriage is unfixable. I paid the bills I think need to be paid now, put aside the ones I think can be paid next week, wrote checks, addressed and stamped envelopes, and filed receipts. I can do this. Even changed a light bulb in my office on my own yesterday. So grown up!
Am going out to dinner with Dan tonight to Roots, a steak restaurant in Morristown. Know that I will have to pick up the check -- but I will really enjoy the company. As for now, I need to shower and get dressed then go out and buy a standing picture frame. My day is set.
I went over to Josh's yesterday evening to spend the evening with Ann (Josh's MIL), Emma (Jacob's Aux Pair), and Jacob. Josh and Lauren are in Bermuda for the holiday weekend to celebrate Josh's birthday. I would have liked to talk a little more to Ann privately, but feel a little uncomfortable speaking in front of 19 year old Emma. We did get a chance to have a little privacy but I was uncomfortable because I am sensing a hostility toward David in her. I am not at all sure why this bothers me, but it does. Why am I still loyal to and protective of him when he doesn't care how much he has hurt me? Am I still hoping for a reconciliation? I now doubt that will ever come to pass. We are supposedly having dinner alone next Saturday -- our "date" -- but I am starting to question why either one of us is doing this. If there is no hope of ever getting back together then we really need to move on.
I did the bills by myself this morning and I am hoping that I didn't screw things up. Oh well, nothing other than my marriage is unfixable. I paid the bills I think need to be paid now, put aside the ones I think can be paid next week, wrote checks, addressed and stamped envelopes, and filed receipts. I can do this. Even changed a light bulb in my office on my own yesterday. So grown up!
Am going out to dinner with Dan tonight to Roots, a steak restaurant in Morristown. Know that I will have to pick up the check -- but I will really enjoy the company. As for now, I need to shower and get dressed then go out and buy a standing picture frame. My day is set.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
What is Everyone Talking About?
Why does everyone either tell me how strong I am doing all the right things or give me unworkable and unsolicited suggestions on how to proceed with my life? Can't the former see how vulnerable I am and how I am falling apart inside? Can't the latter listen to my reasoning for not wanting to do something instead of getting annoyed that I don't want to do it?
Jill called this morning wanting to talk to me about making cakes and cupcakes at home to sell at a store owned by one of her friends. She just couldn't understand that I want to do something that will get me OUT of the house not something that will keep me isolated at home. Besides, I am not enjoying baking and decorating at the moment. I know that Jill means well -- but this is NOT what I want to do right now.
I had lunch with my son-in-law today. He told me that I am doing amazingly well. Everyone apparently expected me to fall apart, blow up, throw things, lock myself in the house in a deep depression, and lord know what other destructive things. This is the picture David painted of me and put into everyone's mind. Arghh! I am not falling apart but I am dieing inside. He did this! He did this! He did this! But the truth is that I am still here and I haven't imploded. Will I ever get to a better place? Have I already gotten to a better place?
Mike also said that I should concentrate on the positives that have come out of this. He is thrilled to see that Jessica and I have gotten much closer since this happened. So true. I am also closer with Josh and Dan and Lauren and Mike - not 100% sure about Caroline -- but Caroline is Caroline and she is impossible to pin down. In general, this is a very good thing! And I am grateful.
I've also gotten to be a lot more tolerant of the foibles of others. My old cleaning lady was supposed to come by this morning to return my key. She called before 9 and told me she would be here in 30 minutes. An hour-and-a-half later she came by crying that she just lost her phone and the keys to ALL her client's houses. Somehow managed to put them on the hood of her car and forget them there before she driving off. She spent over and hour trying to locate them to no avail. I didn't fall apart and scream -- there is nothing I could do about her losing her phone and all the keys that her clients have given her, including mine. My contractor Tom, who is currently here fixing the front walk, said that if she breaks into the house using the key then turns the alarm off we will know it is her. Truth be told, she could have made a copy of my key before returning it and broken in anyway. I do however need a key for the new cleaning girl -- but once again Tom came to the rescue and gave me his. He has a way of getting in through the garage without using a key, so he doesn't need it.
I went to the market today and bought the supplies to make tuna and macaroni salad for dinner at Jessica's on Tuesday and to make Cavatappi with roasted cauliflower for dinner at Josh's on Wednesday. Why two different pasta dishes? Jessica doesn't like cauliflower and Lauren can't eat tuna at the moment. Life sure is interesting. Lord knows what will happen with the meal I am supposed to have with Dan and Caroline next week -- even if it is not canceled I know that Caroline doesn't like what I make.
Also bought a needlepoint canvas and a counted cross stitch canvas to keep myself busy in the evenings. So much for only doing activities with other people. But when I am home, I can at least concentrate on these activities instead of on my problems.
Will stop by Josh's today to spend some time with Ann LoPresti (Lauren's mom). She is at Josh's while Josh and Lauren are in Bermuda. Everyone is taking such good care of me - the only one who doesn't give a shit is David.
Jill called this morning wanting to talk to me about making cakes and cupcakes at home to sell at a store owned by one of her friends. She just couldn't understand that I want to do something that will get me OUT of the house not something that will keep me isolated at home. Besides, I am not enjoying baking and decorating at the moment. I know that Jill means well -- but this is NOT what I want to do right now.
I had lunch with my son-in-law today. He told me that I am doing amazingly well. Everyone apparently expected me to fall apart, blow up, throw things, lock myself in the house in a deep depression, and lord know what other destructive things. This is the picture David painted of me and put into everyone's mind. Arghh! I am not falling apart but I am dieing inside. He did this! He did this! He did this! But the truth is that I am still here and I haven't imploded. Will I ever get to a better place? Have I already gotten to a better place?
Mike also said that I should concentrate on the positives that have come out of this. He is thrilled to see that Jessica and I have gotten much closer since this happened. So true. I am also closer with Josh and Dan and Lauren and Mike - not 100% sure about Caroline -- but Caroline is Caroline and she is impossible to pin down. In general, this is a very good thing! And I am grateful.
I've also gotten to be a lot more tolerant of the foibles of others. My old cleaning lady was supposed to come by this morning to return my key. She called before 9 and told me she would be here in 30 minutes. An hour-and-a-half later she came by crying that she just lost her phone and the keys to ALL her client's houses. Somehow managed to put them on the hood of her car and forget them there before she driving off. She spent over and hour trying to locate them to no avail. I didn't fall apart and scream -- there is nothing I could do about her losing her phone and all the keys that her clients have given her, including mine. My contractor Tom, who is currently here fixing the front walk, said that if she breaks into the house using the key then turns the alarm off we will know it is her. Truth be told, she could have made a copy of my key before returning it and broken in anyway. I do however need a key for the new cleaning girl -- but once again Tom came to the rescue and gave me his. He has a way of getting in through the garage without using a key, so he doesn't need it.
I went to the market today and bought the supplies to make tuna and macaroni salad for dinner at Jessica's on Tuesday and to make Cavatappi with roasted cauliflower for dinner at Josh's on Wednesday. Why two different pasta dishes? Jessica doesn't like cauliflower and Lauren can't eat tuna at the moment. Life sure is interesting. Lord knows what will happen with the meal I am supposed to have with Dan and Caroline next week -- even if it is not canceled I know that Caroline doesn't like what I make.
Also bought a needlepoint canvas and a counted cross stitch canvas to keep myself busy in the evenings. So much for only doing activities with other people. But when I am home, I can at least concentrate on these activities instead of on my problems.
Will stop by Josh's today to spend some time with Ann LoPresti (Lauren's mom). She is at Josh's while Josh and Lauren are in Bermuda. Everyone is taking such good care of me - the only one who doesn't give a shit is David.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Another Day
Today is not as awful as yesterday.
Michele came over yesterday afternoon after visiting with a cousin who lives around the corner from me. She didn't invite me over to share part of this weekend; didn't even say what she was doing; but she was there for me yesterday. I was able to cry and complain and have a little bit of human contact before picking up Sabrina at daycare and heading over to Jessica's house for the evening.
Going over to Jessica's was nice. I brought some small steaks that Mike grilled, a few russet potatoes that we nuked and then finished on the grill, and a vegetable dish ready to nuke and serve. Even though Dan and Natalie came over at the last minute and wound up eating with us, there was really enough food to go around -- no one left the table hungry.
Mike finished redoing his resume yesterday and forwarded a copy to me which I in turn forwarded to Michele's husband Marc. Mike also sent out a number of resumes to other sources of his own. I hope he finds work quickly -- this is so not good for him. Jessica doesn't make enough money for her to be the sole income and allow Mike to stay home as a house-husband. I also think that it will be a lot better for Mike's peace of mind to have something to do every day.
Natalie slept over last night because Caroline had a very early appointment at work today. This is the first time since David and I separated and she was told that he moved into an apartment of his own to be near work that Natalie has stayed here. She crawled into bed with me this morning and I put on the TV for her so that I could get a little extra sleep. It was so nice to feel another human being in bed with me. And she is not asking questions so I don't have to talk about the fact that David is not here.
This afternoon she and I will go to Josh's to play with Jacob. David will be there too -- maybe the last time he will be there on a Wednesday since who knows what his new hours will be once he starts his new job next week. Please God, help me NOT to cry. My eyes and face are still so swollen that I can hardly recognize my own features. This has got to stop! He has already told me that he is not planning on coming back -- I need to move on even if part of that means that I will wind up hating him. I hate myself when I am so weak. Please dry up my tears and don't let me cry! Not in front of him anyway.
Got to go and get into the shower, get dressed, and go out on pick up a birthday cake for Josh. His birthday is this coming Saturday, but he will be away. We'll celebrate today.
Michele came over yesterday afternoon after visiting with a cousin who lives around the corner from me. She didn't invite me over to share part of this weekend; didn't even say what she was doing; but she was there for me yesterday. I was able to cry and complain and have a little bit of human contact before picking up Sabrina at daycare and heading over to Jessica's house for the evening.
Going over to Jessica's was nice. I brought some small steaks that Mike grilled, a few russet potatoes that we nuked and then finished on the grill, and a vegetable dish ready to nuke and serve. Even though Dan and Natalie came over at the last minute and wound up eating with us, there was really enough food to go around -- no one left the table hungry.
Mike finished redoing his resume yesterday and forwarded a copy to me which I in turn forwarded to Michele's husband Marc. Mike also sent out a number of resumes to other sources of his own. I hope he finds work quickly -- this is so not good for him. Jessica doesn't make enough money for her to be the sole income and allow Mike to stay home as a house-husband. I also think that it will be a lot better for Mike's peace of mind to have something to do every day.
Natalie slept over last night because Caroline had a very early appointment at work today. This is the first time since David and I separated and she was told that he moved into an apartment of his own to be near work that Natalie has stayed here. She crawled into bed with me this morning and I put on the TV for her so that I could get a little extra sleep. It was so nice to feel another human being in bed with me. And she is not asking questions so I don't have to talk about the fact that David is not here.
This afternoon she and I will go to Josh's to play with Jacob. David will be there too -- maybe the last time he will be there on a Wednesday since who knows what his new hours will be once he starts his new job next week. Please God, help me NOT to cry. My eyes and face are still so swollen that I can hardly recognize my own features. This has got to stop! He has already told me that he is not planning on coming back -- I need to move on even if part of that means that I will wind up hating him. I hate myself when I am so weak. Please dry up my tears and don't let me cry! Not in front of him anyway.
Got to go and get into the shower, get dressed, and go out on pick up a birthday cake for Josh. His birthday is this coming Saturday, but he will be away. We'll celebrate today.
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Feeling So Low
David came over yesterday evening so that we could talk without having grandchildren (little pitchers with big ears) around. It was horrible. Seeing him but knowing he doesn't care sets me off every time. I just start crying uncontrollably even though I know this is the worst thing I can do - nothing will win him back quicker than a hysterical woman! Assuming that I do want him back -- I no longer know!
I just feel so alone and so empty. Will this ever get better? Another nail in the coffin: Caroline sent an email this morning saying that she and Natalie were going down to her mother's on Thursday -- so there go my plans for Friday. I am completely and utterly alone this WHOLE weekend -- it is making me crazy. And now I feel like I am lost today -- on a Tuesday -- what did I do last Tuesday that made me feel less alone then than now?
In her email, Caroline also asked if I can pick up Natalie at 2:40 PM on Wednesdays and Fridays during the school year. I wish she would sit down and talk to me rather than assign me pick up duty via email. I told her that although I want to continue spending time with Natalie after she starts kindergarten, I would like to sit down and discuss options. Picking up Natalie on Wednesdays is a problem: I see Jake from 2:00-4:00 and then stay on at Josh's for dinner (will also have my support group 6 Wednesday evenings in a row starting mid-October); and picking up Natalie on Fridays means that I have to forgo any social activities on a possible date night. This would be okay if I met with Dan, Caroline, and Natalie for dinner on Fridays - but so far they have canceled 3 out of 4. Let's see how she responds or if she just blows me off.
I signed up for a Ceramics class on Thursday mornings starting mid-September at the Yard School in Montclair. Hopefully this will be fun and a good way to meet some creative people. Also signed up for a couple of additional meetups including one for 45+ singles at Temple Agudat Israel in Caldwell - the very temple my friend Helen (from Prudential) wanted me to attend with her - ironic!
Hired a new cleaning lady this week for a much more reasonable price - $120 every two weeks (rather than the $190 I was paying). Elizabeth from Crystal Cleaning is supposed to return my key tomorrow; Anna (Russian) from Anna's Cleaning starts next week.
I just feel so alone and so empty. Will this ever get better? Another nail in the coffin: Caroline sent an email this morning saying that she and Natalie were going down to her mother's on Thursday -- so there go my plans for Friday. I am completely and utterly alone this WHOLE weekend -- it is making me crazy. And now I feel like I am lost today -- on a Tuesday -- what did I do last Tuesday that made me feel less alone then than now?
In her email, Caroline also asked if I can pick up Natalie at 2:40 PM on Wednesdays and Fridays during the school year. I wish she would sit down and talk to me rather than assign me pick up duty via email. I told her that although I want to continue spending time with Natalie after she starts kindergarten, I would like to sit down and discuss options. Picking up Natalie on Wednesdays is a problem: I see Jake from 2:00-4:00 and then stay on at Josh's for dinner (will also have my support group 6 Wednesday evenings in a row starting mid-October); and picking up Natalie on Fridays means that I have to forgo any social activities on a possible date night. This would be okay if I met with Dan, Caroline, and Natalie for dinner on Fridays - but so far they have canceled 3 out of 4. Let's see how she responds or if she just blows me off.
I signed up for a Ceramics class on Thursday mornings starting mid-September at the Yard School in Montclair. Hopefully this will be fun and a good way to meet some creative people. Also signed up for a couple of additional meetups including one for 45+ singles at Temple Agudat Israel in Caldwell - the very temple my friend Helen (from Prudential) wanted me to attend with her - ironic!
Hired a new cleaning lady this week for a much more reasonable price - $120 every two weeks (rather than the $190 I was paying). Elizabeth from Crystal Cleaning is supposed to return my key tomorrow; Anna (Russian) from Anna's Cleaning starts next week.
Monday, August 26, 2013
Next Weekend is Approaching
I am so upset. Next weekend, my first holiday weekend (Labor Day), without a husband is approaching way too fast and NO ONE will be around. OMG what am I going to do all by myself for 3-4 days. I am freaking out!
I knew for a while that Caroline was taking Natalie down to visit her mother in Maryland -- one last long visit before Natalie starts school. Daniel is not supposed to be going with her but he is staying home because he is working. That doesn't help me.
Josh and Lauren are flying down to Bermuda this Thursday and will probably not return until Tuesday. They will celebrating his 39th birthday this Saturday. Ann and John are staying at Josh's to help Emma take care of Jacob and have invited me over to spend some time with them. Okay - that takes care of a couple of hours over a very long time span.
Jess, Mike, and Sabrina are going to LBI to visit Teresa and her family. They were supposed to go this past weekend, but Teresa's son Mason developed pink eye so they had to change the date.
Even David is going some place this weekend - I think his office manager invited him to join her and her family down at the shore. He left me saying he wants to be alone -- but he will NOT be alone.
No friend has extended an invitation -- and I wouldn't impose on anyone and invite myself over. So I'm essentially going to be alone -- and I am so scared! Why is this happening? Help me!
I knew for a while that Caroline was taking Natalie down to visit her mother in Maryland -- one last long visit before Natalie starts school. Daniel is not supposed to be going with her but he is staying home because he is working. That doesn't help me.
Josh and Lauren are flying down to Bermuda this Thursday and will probably not return until Tuesday. They will celebrating his 39th birthday this Saturday. Ann and John are staying at Josh's to help Emma take care of Jacob and have invited me over to spend some time with them. Okay - that takes care of a couple of hours over a very long time span.
Jess, Mike, and Sabrina are going to LBI to visit Teresa and her family. They were supposed to go this past weekend, but Teresa's son Mason developed pink eye so they had to change the date.
Even David is going some place this weekend - I think his office manager invited him to join her and her family down at the shore. He left me saying he wants to be alone -- but he will NOT be alone.
No friend has extended an invitation -- and I wouldn't impose on anyone and invite myself over. So I'm essentially going to be alone -- and I am so scared! Why is this happening? Help me!
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Not the Best of Times and Not the Worst
Maybe I'm not ready.
The good part: I didn't cry last night during the speed dating portion of the "singles" evening. I was able to talk in four minute chunks to these complete and utter strangers - although some four minute chunks seemed a heck of a lot longer than other four minute chunks. The bad part: I was uncomfortable and REALLY did NOT want to get to know anyone any better. And since Josh had invited me to join him, Lauren, Jess, Mike, and Lauren's parents (Ann and John) at his house, I was just as happy to skip the dance portion of the "singles" evening.
The group claims it is for professionals and business people in their late forties, fifties, and sixties. The men looked to be more in their late 50s and 60s; only one was a lawyer or any sort of profession I recognized. They were an even mix of divorced, separated, widowed, never married. The women looked like they were in their late 50s and 60s trying to look like they were in their early 40s. They weren't there to befriend other women; they were there to meet men! I have never been in a room with so many bleached blonds stuffed into tight sweaters and dresses. Ugh! And just to ice the cake, my "date" in the final round was a goon wearing a weird "cool" hat who decided to give me advice on separation and dating and not letting men ply me with alcohol - completely creeped me out!
I left and drove to Josh's (on the way home anyway). Although I came too late for dinner with the family or to see my angel grandchildren, there was still some food left over and I was ravenous. All I had at the event was one glass of wine. But what really made the evening special was Josh announcing just before I left that Lauren is expecting another baby in April. Grandchild number four! I am thrilled - the first good news I've had in months. If only I could have shared this moment with my husband.
Today I am meeting the family at noon for lunch and an afternoon at the zoo. I'm supposed to go to another "singles" even at the Blu Morel in the Governor Morris Inn from 4-8 but I'm not sure I will have enough time to get home and change before the event or that I even want to go at this time. Actually, I definitely don't want to go. Maybe, just maybe, I need to give myself another few months or find another way to meet people. But when if ever am I going to stop feeling like a fifth wheel?
The good part: I didn't cry last night during the speed dating portion of the "singles" evening. I was able to talk in four minute chunks to these complete and utter strangers - although some four minute chunks seemed a heck of a lot longer than other four minute chunks. The bad part: I was uncomfortable and REALLY did NOT want to get to know anyone any better. And since Josh had invited me to join him, Lauren, Jess, Mike, and Lauren's parents (Ann and John) at his house, I was just as happy to skip the dance portion of the "singles" evening.
The group claims it is for professionals and business people in their late forties, fifties, and sixties. The men looked to be more in their late 50s and 60s; only one was a lawyer or any sort of profession I recognized. They were an even mix of divorced, separated, widowed, never married. The women looked like they were in their late 50s and 60s trying to look like they were in their early 40s. They weren't there to befriend other women; they were there to meet men! I have never been in a room with so many bleached blonds stuffed into tight sweaters and dresses. Ugh! And just to ice the cake, my "date" in the final round was a goon wearing a weird "cool" hat who decided to give me advice on separation and dating and not letting men ply me with alcohol - completely creeped me out!
I left and drove to Josh's (on the way home anyway). Although I came too late for dinner with the family or to see my angel grandchildren, there was still some food left over and I was ravenous. All I had at the event was one glass of wine. But what really made the evening special was Josh announcing just before I left that Lauren is expecting another baby in April. Grandchild number four! I am thrilled - the first good news I've had in months. If only I could have shared this moment with my husband.
Today I am meeting the family at noon for lunch and an afternoon at the zoo. I'm supposed to go to another "singles" even at the Blu Morel in the Governor Morris Inn from 4-8 but I'm not sure I will have enough time to get home and change before the event or that I even want to go at this time. Actually, I definitely don't want to go. Maybe, just maybe, I need to give myself another few months or find another way to meet people. But when if ever am I going to stop feeling like a fifth wheel?
Saturday, August 24, 2013
First Attempt to Move On By Myself
I am showered, dressed, and meeting Jane for brunch (breakfast and brunch - not usually my meals, but I have to make time for friends when they are available) in a short time so I probably won't finish this posting at this point.
This evening is my big first attempt at going out to meet other people who are not married - Soho Lounge and Grill in Somerset for a round of speed dating followed by a dance. I am excited! I am scared! I am depressed! Part of me wants to move on and find someone else to take my mind off him and off me. Part of me screams "what am I doing?". I want my husband -- not a total stranger! Lord why is he doing this to me? Why can't he just say he's made his point and come back so that we can put our lives back together? Will he ever want to come back? God help me -- don't let me make an ass of myself tonight and cry in front of strangers!
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Spent a lovely brunch crying to Jane -- hopefully this will get it out of my system so I don't cry tonight. Who is willing to take odds? I feel like such a loser -- is that what everyone else will see?
After brunch, which was at the Whippany Diner, I sent a text to Jessica asking if she, Mike, and Sabrina had gone down to LBI. If they hadn't, I wanted to stop by for a few minutes. Was halfway home by the time Mike responded to my text (Jessica was in the shower) so I turned around and went to visit for less than an hour. What can I say? Wish I had jobs to offer Mike -- hope he finds one soon -- this is frustrating. But I have to remember that this is about them and not about me.
On the way home I stopped at Kohl's and picked up a couple of blouses so that I have something nice and new to wear tonight. I haven't bought clothing in ages - not much of a clothes horse to start with and really haven't needed anything since I stopped working three years ago. Now all I have to do is feed the dogs, get dressed, fix my makeup, and leave giving myself enough time to get there on time. Lord, I am so nervous. Hate driving alone at night in unfamiliar territory. Hate going places on my own. Am uncomfortable opening up to new people. What am I doing? Why am I doing this?
This evening is my big first attempt at going out to meet other people who are not married - Soho Lounge and Grill in Somerset for a round of speed dating followed by a dance. I am excited! I am scared! I am depressed! Part of me wants to move on and find someone else to take my mind off him and off me. Part of me screams "what am I doing?". I want my husband -- not a total stranger! Lord why is he doing this to me? Why can't he just say he's made his point and come back so that we can put our lives back together? Will he ever want to come back? God help me -- don't let me make an ass of myself tonight and cry in front of strangers!
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Spent a lovely brunch crying to Jane -- hopefully this will get it out of my system so I don't cry tonight. Who is willing to take odds? I feel like such a loser -- is that what everyone else will see?
After brunch, which was at the Whippany Diner, I sent a text to Jessica asking if she, Mike, and Sabrina had gone down to LBI. If they hadn't, I wanted to stop by for a few minutes. Was halfway home by the time Mike responded to my text (Jessica was in the shower) so I turned around and went to visit for less than an hour. What can I say? Wish I had jobs to offer Mike -- hope he finds one soon -- this is frustrating. But I have to remember that this is about them and not about me.
On the way home I stopped at Kohl's and picked up a couple of blouses so that I have something nice and new to wear tonight. I haven't bought clothing in ages - not much of a clothes horse to start with and really haven't needed anything since I stopped working three years ago. Now all I have to do is feed the dogs, get dressed, fix my makeup, and leave giving myself enough time to get there on time. Lord, I am so nervous. Hate driving alone at night in unfamiliar territory. Hate going places on my own. Am uncomfortable opening up to new people. What am I doing? Why am I doing this?
Friday, August 23, 2013
It Made My Day
Today was probably the last Friday Natalie and David will be here together. David will be away next Friday and should be starting his new job and hours as of 9/3. Natalie starts all day kindergarten on 9/9. So we made today sort of special.
The three of us drove down to Toms River to the Bug Museum. Although the place was an hour-and-a-half away, it was pretty cool. Natalie loved all the bugs on display, especially the butterflies. The place was pretty small but they did a good job of teaching the kids about what they were seeing (so different from the dinosaur place in Secaucus). After we were in the museum for about 15 minutes we were invited to the lecture area where one of the staff explained about four different insects and brought the specimen around so that the children and adults could touch it. We learned about hissing roaches, millipedes, scorpions, and tarantulas. Way cool! After the demonstration, we spent about another hour walking through the museums after which we bought Natalie a butterfly necklace as a memento of the trip.
On the way home we stopped in Woodbridge for lunch at a Ruby Tuesday restaurant - nothing great, nothing terrible.
So what made my day? When Dan picked up Natalie, I told David that I had to leave too because I was going out. No asking him to stay for dinner and him refusing. And no just hanging around until he left. Nope -- I had to go too! Really not a big deal since I was only going to Jill and Harvey's for dinner because Dan and Caroline had other plans for the evening -- but still I was letting him know that I wasn't going to sit around at home and mourn his not being there with me. "You've got to leave because I've got to go." Made my day!
The three of us drove down to Toms River to the Bug Museum. Although the place was an hour-and-a-half away, it was pretty cool. Natalie loved all the bugs on display, especially the butterflies. The place was pretty small but they did a good job of teaching the kids about what they were seeing (so different from the dinosaur place in Secaucus). After we were in the museum for about 15 minutes we were invited to the lecture area where one of the staff explained about four different insects and brought the specimen around so that the children and adults could touch it. We learned about hissing roaches, millipedes, scorpions, and tarantulas. Way cool! After the demonstration, we spent about another hour walking through the museums after which we bought Natalie a butterfly necklace as a memento of the trip.
On the way home we stopped in Woodbridge for lunch at a Ruby Tuesday restaurant - nothing great, nothing terrible.
So what made my day? When Dan picked up Natalie, I told David that I had to leave too because I was going out. No asking him to stay for dinner and him refusing. And no just hanging around until he left. Nope -- I had to go too! Really not a big deal since I was only going to Jill and Harvey's for dinner because Dan and Caroline had other plans for the evening -- but still I was letting him know that I wasn't going to sit around at home and mourn his not being there with me. "You've got to leave because I've got to go." Made my day!
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Picking Up Pieces on a Thursday
For quite some time I have picked up Natalie after whatever activity she has on Wednesdays and Fridays and spent the afternoons with her while Dan and Caroline worked. This includes visiting Jacob on Wednesdays. David has always been a part of this time whenever he is not working; and David has continued showing up despite having left me. At first I really welcomed the opportunity to spend time with him -- but now I feel that he is just spending time with the kids and ignoring me. This has become draining and upsetting. His coldness to my feeling makes me cry every time. I hate it! No matter how good I am feeling about myself before he comes, I seem to lose it as soon as he shows up. However, I'm not sure I want to make a fuss about this yet: Natalie's schedule changes in two-three weeks as soon as she starts all-day kindergarten and David's schedule changes as soon as his new job takes affect. But if this continues into the fall, I will have to suggest that he set up his own visiting hours and leave mine to me.
The worst part about the whole thing is that David purposely has left the only times he sees me to the times when the grandchildren are around. Jacob who is only 22 months old doesn't understand our adult conversation; but Natalie who is almost 6 years old understands everything - so we can't talk around her. What David has set up is a situation where I have to act the way he has acted all these years - cover up my feelings and pretend everything is okay. But this doesn't work for me -- I break down in tears every time. Can't help it - they just start flowing. I was so upset and annoyed yesterday that David agreed to come over this coming Monday between his Woodbridge office hours and dinner at Jessica's to talk to me when there are no grandchildren around. Not that I have anything I want to say to him -- but I feel that I at least scored a point.
Went to my vault this morning and put away my engagement ring and diamond wedding band. I no longer feel comfortable wearing them. If I am going to a "singles" meet-and-greet this weekend, I don't want to show up wearing these rings and I don't want to leave them lying around the house when I am not home. Best to put them into the vault for now. If David and I reconcile, I can take them out and wear them again. If not, I'll have them made into a necklace which I can wear whenever I want. This is a really big step for me.
I had hoped to run into the woman who opened my accounts and encouraged me to apply for a teller's position at the bank. Wanted to find out if she knew why I wasn't a match for the job. But she wasn't in. Guess this wasn't meant to be. However, the trip to my vault reminded me that Josh had hidden jewelry he bought to give to Lauren at some later date in David's and my vault. I sent a text to Josh and asked him what he wanted me to do with those things since I have no guarantee that David will continue paying for that vault now that he and I each have our own separate boxes. My new box is half the size of the box we shared so I don't have room for Josh's stuff. Josh asked me to remove his gifts, store them at home, and give them to him sometime when Lauren is not around. Now all that is left in that huge box are some papers which might be totally worthless for all I know (I didn't go through them thoroughly).
Spent the rest of this morning applying for volunteer work at Morristown Hospital and at a Family Health Center in Morristown. Tried to call St Barnabas in Livingston too, but the message said to call back in September so I left a message to do so on my phone calendar. I've been warned NOT to take a paying job no matter how part time and how little it pays. Maybe I should start heeding warnings from people who know.
Am also looking into Painting or Ceramic classes but am not thrilled with what I am find -- only a couple of possibilities during hours when I can attend. Have to think about this but feel that I have to rush to secure a spot.
Meeting Sherril, from book club, for a drink and talk at 2:30 and then Michele for dinner at 7:30. Feel like I am eating way too much and will gain back all I lost but relish the company.
The worst part about the whole thing is that David purposely has left the only times he sees me to the times when the grandchildren are around. Jacob who is only 22 months old doesn't understand our adult conversation; but Natalie who is almost 6 years old understands everything - so we can't talk around her. What David has set up is a situation where I have to act the way he has acted all these years - cover up my feelings and pretend everything is okay. But this doesn't work for me -- I break down in tears every time. Can't help it - they just start flowing. I was so upset and annoyed yesterday that David agreed to come over this coming Monday between his Woodbridge office hours and dinner at Jessica's to talk to me when there are no grandchildren around. Not that I have anything I want to say to him -- but I feel that I at least scored a point.
Went to my vault this morning and put away my engagement ring and diamond wedding band. I no longer feel comfortable wearing them. If I am going to a "singles" meet-and-greet this weekend, I don't want to show up wearing these rings and I don't want to leave them lying around the house when I am not home. Best to put them into the vault for now. If David and I reconcile, I can take them out and wear them again. If not, I'll have them made into a necklace which I can wear whenever I want. This is a really big step for me.
I had hoped to run into the woman who opened my accounts and encouraged me to apply for a teller's position at the bank. Wanted to find out if she knew why I wasn't a match for the job. But she wasn't in. Guess this wasn't meant to be. However, the trip to my vault reminded me that Josh had hidden jewelry he bought to give to Lauren at some later date in David's and my vault. I sent a text to Josh and asked him what he wanted me to do with those things since I have no guarantee that David will continue paying for that vault now that he and I each have our own separate boxes. My new box is half the size of the box we shared so I don't have room for Josh's stuff. Josh asked me to remove his gifts, store them at home, and give them to him sometime when Lauren is not around. Now all that is left in that huge box are some papers which might be totally worthless for all I know (I didn't go through them thoroughly).
Spent the rest of this morning applying for volunteer work at Morristown Hospital and at a Family Health Center in Morristown. Tried to call St Barnabas in Livingston too, but the message said to call back in September so I left a message to do so on my phone calendar. I've been warned NOT to take a paying job no matter how part time and how little it pays. Maybe I should start heeding warnings from people who know.
Am also looking into Painting or Ceramic classes but am not thrilled with what I am find -- only a couple of possibilities during hours when I can attend. Have to think about this but feel that I have to rush to secure a spot.
Meeting Sherril, from book club, for a drink and talk at 2:30 and then Michele for dinner at 7:30. Feel like I am eating way too much and will gain back all I lost but relish the company.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Fretting Away a Wednesday Morning
When did I first start thinking that David never really loved me? Maybe it was a feeling I had a long time ago -- maybe I'm rationalizing his leaving now.
I was the one who wanted to get married all those years ago. He wanted to live together. If I had moved in with him back in 1969, would we have ever gotten married or would we have broken up and moved on. I'll never know. But now knowing that most of his reactions to me from the very start consisted of hiding his true feelings and smoothing things over so that he could go on and avoid a conflict at any cost, I question whether we should have been together from the beginning. Did he just agree to get married because he didn't want to fight with me? Did I sense this at the very beginning of our marriage? We had all that trouble the first year -- was it because I felt that he resented my being there? He had lived alone in our apartment for a year before we got married (his first year of medical school). Did he harbor a resentment that I moved in a took up his space once we did get married? God, why is this haunting me now?
Jessica said that she always felt that I was an unhappy person but I never thought of myself as unhappy -- always thought I was content. Had my desire to move out of my parents' house so overridden my thoughts that I was willing to accept whatever it took to get out?
I remember going to Jill and Harvey's house for Shabbat dinner many years ago. Harvey read a passage from the bible after Jill lit candles about how a man has to respect his wife and be thankful for all she does for him and the family. I remember being jealous because I believed that David never felt that way toward me - I believed he secretly harbored a resentment that he could have done better. But I was content with my life and unwilling to confront this with David.
Am I going to make myself crazy thinking of what I should have realized years ago? I don't think he ever LOVED me.
I was the one who wanted to get married all those years ago. He wanted to live together. If I had moved in with him back in 1969, would we have ever gotten married or would we have broken up and moved on. I'll never know. But now knowing that most of his reactions to me from the very start consisted of hiding his true feelings and smoothing things over so that he could go on and avoid a conflict at any cost, I question whether we should have been together from the beginning. Did he just agree to get married because he didn't want to fight with me? Did I sense this at the very beginning of our marriage? We had all that trouble the first year -- was it because I felt that he resented my being there? He had lived alone in our apartment for a year before we got married (his first year of medical school). Did he harbor a resentment that I moved in a took up his space once we did get married? God, why is this haunting me now?
Jessica said that she always felt that I was an unhappy person but I never thought of myself as unhappy -- always thought I was content. Had my desire to move out of my parents' house so overridden my thoughts that I was willing to accept whatever it took to get out?
I remember going to Jill and Harvey's house for Shabbat dinner many years ago. Harvey read a passage from the bible after Jill lit candles about how a man has to respect his wife and be thankful for all she does for him and the family. I remember being jealous because I believed that David never felt that way toward me - I believed he secretly harbored a resentment that he could have done better. But I was content with my life and unwilling to confront this with David.
Am I going to make myself crazy thinking of what I should have realized years ago? I don't think he ever LOVED me.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Sweeping Clean
The cleaning people are here and I am relegated to my office to allow them to thoroughly, or not so thoroughly, clean my house. I am sitting here and thinking about the conversation I had with my therapist yesterday. She advised me to clean up my act in the sense that I have to stop giving David the weapons and the ability to hurt me. I have to stop doing things like inviting him to stay for dinner since it kills me when he finds every excuse to say no. He claims that he wants to be friends, but it seems like the only "friendship" he will allow is one in which he will call all the shots and make all the rules. What "friends" can't sit down for dinner together? I need to form a harder shell and act a bit colder and less needy.
I have to start moving on and find a way to comfortably live my life, without him if necessary. I need to sign up for classes and find something to do out of the house (paid or volunteer) to keep me busy and help me meet new people. I need to stop crying and realize that he is the one who is broken. I can't fix him -- he has to do that on his own.
David was here yesterday, during the break between his Woodbridge office and dinner at Jessica's, to help me pay the bills. I find it annoying when he does one thing after another without explaining why -- feel that I am learning little that will enable me to move on and do this on my own. Starting today I will go through the mail on my own and put them into piles: "To Be Paid", "Trash", "Shred", "For David", "File". When he comes on Friday or Monday, he can go through the piles to make sure I got things right and I can then pay the bills on my own without him doing me a favor!
Went to a book club dinner meeting at Urban Table last night. Other than getting a drink spilled all over me and my purse, it was a nice evening out with the girls. I told the ones who got there early what was happening in my life - possibly will meet up with Sherril Thursday afternoon for lunch. Laura, who is Jessica's age and in the midst of getting a divorce, was so sweet and said to call her any time I need a drinking buddy.
Jill is supposed to call today when she is finished with her oculist. Hoping that we have time to go to lunch. She is a great source to find out about volunteer work. Also pick up my darling Sabrina this afternoon -- haven't seen in two weeks since they were away and I missed her so much. Dinner is prepped and ready to go into the oven at Jess's -- having dinner with Jess, Mike, and Sabrina this evening.
I am moving forward and like the old adage says "A new broom sweeps clean!".
I have to start moving on and find a way to comfortably live my life, without him if necessary. I need to sign up for classes and find something to do out of the house (paid or volunteer) to keep me busy and help me meet new people. I need to stop crying and realize that he is the one who is broken. I can't fix him -- he has to do that on his own.
David was here yesterday, during the break between his Woodbridge office and dinner at Jessica's, to help me pay the bills. I find it annoying when he does one thing after another without explaining why -- feel that I am learning little that will enable me to move on and do this on my own. Starting today I will go through the mail on my own and put them into piles: "To Be Paid", "Trash", "Shred", "For David", "File". When he comes on Friday or Monday, he can go through the piles to make sure I got things right and I can then pay the bills on my own without him doing me a favor!
Went to a book club dinner meeting at Urban Table last night. Other than getting a drink spilled all over me and my purse, it was a nice evening out with the girls. I told the ones who got there early what was happening in my life - possibly will meet up with Sherril Thursday afternoon for lunch. Laura, who is Jessica's age and in the midst of getting a divorce, was so sweet and said to call her any time I need a drinking buddy.
Jill is supposed to call today when she is finished with her oculist. Hoping that we have time to go to lunch. She is a great source to find out about volunteer work. Also pick up my darling Sabrina this afternoon -- haven't seen in two weeks since they were away and I missed her so much. Dinner is prepped and ready to go into the oven at Jess's -- having dinner with Jess, Mike, and Sabrina this evening.
I am moving forward and like the old adage says "A new broom sweeps clean!".
Monday, August 19, 2013
Fachadert
There is a Yiddish word "fachadert" that means all mixed up -- and boy have I been fachadert lately!
Last night I set my alarm for 7:30 figuring that would give me plenty of time to get up, get dressed, pick up the paper, put out the trash and recyclables, and take care of the dogs before I had to leave at 8:30 for my Weight Watchers weigh in and meeting. The alarm went off and I was feeling extra tired, but got up and did everything on my list before realizing I was an hour early. Apparently, when I set the alarm last night I accidentally managed to also reset the time. Suddenly I had an extra hour to kill before I had to leave. Believe me, I could have used the extra hour's sleep.
But that was not all. Right after I weighed in and sat down in the meeting room to wait for the meeting to begin I realized that my right hearing aid was missing. OMG! How does a person lose one very expensive hearing aid? I ran out of the meeting and thoroughly searched around and in my car. Then I retraced my steps. I drove back to the Dunkin' Doughnuts where I had purchased coffee to see if the hearing aid was in that parking lot or on the floor of the store - no luck! From there I raced back home. I checked the foot of my driveway to see if it had possibly fallen off when I moved the garbage can that the trash collectors had left blocking my path -- no luck there either. I pulled up to , but not into, the garage to check the floor and then the path back up to the kitchen. Checked the basement and kitchen floors -- nope! If I had to call David and tell him I lost a really expensive hearing aid that I absolutely needed to replace he would kill me. Then, lo and behold, on the counter in the hearing aid case was my right hearing aid. I had never put it in. What a ditz!
Hopefully the rest of today will be uneventful. I have to get into the shower and meet up with my therapist at 3:30. David will be here when I get home to help with paying the bills. And I have a 6:30 dinner meeting with my Book Club tonight. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I can get through the rest of the day in one piece and make it to tomorrow!
Last night I set my alarm for 7:30 figuring that would give me plenty of time to get up, get dressed, pick up the paper, put out the trash and recyclables, and take care of the dogs before I had to leave at 8:30 for my Weight Watchers weigh in and meeting. The alarm went off and I was feeling extra tired, but got up and did everything on my list before realizing I was an hour early. Apparently, when I set the alarm last night I accidentally managed to also reset the time. Suddenly I had an extra hour to kill before I had to leave. Believe me, I could have used the extra hour's sleep.
But that was not all. Right after I weighed in and sat down in the meeting room to wait for the meeting to begin I realized that my right hearing aid was missing. OMG! How does a person lose one very expensive hearing aid? I ran out of the meeting and thoroughly searched around and in my car. Then I retraced my steps. I drove back to the Dunkin' Doughnuts where I had purchased coffee to see if the hearing aid was in that parking lot or on the floor of the store - no luck! From there I raced back home. I checked the foot of my driveway to see if it had possibly fallen off when I moved the garbage can that the trash collectors had left blocking my path -- no luck there either. I pulled up to , but not into, the garage to check the floor and then the path back up to the kitchen. Checked the basement and kitchen floors -- nope! If I had to call David and tell him I lost a really expensive hearing aid that I absolutely needed to replace he would kill me. Then, lo and behold, on the counter in the hearing aid case was my right hearing aid. I had never put it in. What a ditz!
Hopefully the rest of today will be uneventful. I have to get into the shower and meet up with my therapist at 3:30. David will be here when I get home to help with paying the bills. And I have a 6:30 dinner meeting with my Book Club tonight. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I can get through the rest of the day in one piece and make it to tomorrow!
Sunday, August 18, 2013
The Butler -- A First Time Experience
The last time I went to a movie by myself I was around 10 years old. A friend and I were supposed to go together -- I don't even remember what we were going to see. I begged my mother for the money and permission to go and she finally gave in. I was so excited when I went to pick up my friend only to be really disappointed to find out that she had changed her mind about going. I, however, was determined to go since I had worked so hard to get the permission and money. So I went on my own. I remember walking alone from Burke Avenue to Allerton Avenue in the Bronx -- maybe around half a mile. I was scared but determined. I remember being scared in the theater too. I remember what the inside of that theater looked like and I remember sitting there by myself and watching a movie that has left no impression on my mind.
Today I was looking forward to another long day of doing NOTHING. After doing sheets and towels, feeding the dogs, and shopping for the supplies I will need to make my suppers for the week I was bored and it wasn't even 12:30. So I picked myself up and went to the Parsippany Cinema to see the Butler. Amazing how easy it was. A movie is really a solitary experience anyway -- you can't chit-chat while it is being shown - you sit and watch the screen.
I enjoyed The Butler -- thought that it really should have been called The Butler's Wife since Oprah Winfrey stole the show from Forrest Whitaker -- but I enjoyed it none the less.
It is now almost 4:30 and I can truly say that I found a way to take care of myself for one afternoon.
Today I was looking forward to another long day of doing NOTHING. After doing sheets and towels, feeding the dogs, and shopping for the supplies I will need to make my suppers for the week I was bored and it wasn't even 12:30. So I picked myself up and went to the Parsippany Cinema to see the Butler. Amazing how easy it was. A movie is really a solitary experience anyway -- you can't chit-chat while it is being shown - you sit and watch the screen.
I enjoyed The Butler -- thought that it really should have been called The Butler's Wife since Oprah Winfrey stole the show from Forrest Whitaker -- but I enjoyed it none the less.
It is now almost 4:30 and I can truly say that I found a way to take care of myself for one afternoon.
Another Sunday
Today is just another Sunday and I am alone. Since Dan, Caroline, and Natalie escorted me into Brooklyn yesterday, I didn't even approach Caroline about possibly getting together today. Besides, she was in a bit of a mood yesterday and I felt it was best that we take a bit of a break from each other. Why do I always feel that everyone's bad mood is my fault? I've got to learn to walk away and realize that her mood probably has nothing to do with me.
We spend a beautiful day with Lauren, Shahab, David, and Kelly. I truly love them. So glad that I am finally getting to know my niece Lauren and nephew David now that they live on the east coast. Plus, Shahab and Kelly are delightful additions to the family.
We walked around a very gentrified DUMBO and visited the "new" Brooklyn Heights (the old Brooklyn Heights now populated by middle and upper middle class people, "farm-to-table" type restaurants, and boutique stores). This is not the Brooklyn Heights of 37 years ago when David and I lived in Brooklyn - for sure! Sadly, the River Cafe, one of Brooklyn's best restaurants at the foot of the Brooklyn Bridge, is gone - a victim of Hurricane Sandy. But it looks like almost everything else is back up and running.
Today I have to do some grocery shopping for food I plan to make for my dinners with the kids this week. And relax before the cycle starts all over again. Jessica, Mike, and Sabrina should be getting back from their trip to the Outer Banks some time today. Hopefully I can get to see them for a bit -- I really miss them.
Now it is time to try and get crazy dog Lucy back into the house. Lately she only comes in when she wants to. I am so tired of chasing her around the back yard -- not even a yard I want to go into since David refused to cut down the trees and sod the ground -- it is wild and fenced in - perfect for dogs.
We spend a beautiful day with Lauren, Shahab, David, and Kelly. I truly love them. So glad that I am finally getting to know my niece Lauren and nephew David now that they live on the east coast. Plus, Shahab and Kelly are delightful additions to the family.
We walked around a very gentrified DUMBO and visited the "new" Brooklyn Heights (the old Brooklyn Heights now populated by middle and upper middle class people, "farm-to-table" type restaurants, and boutique stores). This is not the Brooklyn Heights of 37 years ago when David and I lived in Brooklyn - for sure! Sadly, the River Cafe, one of Brooklyn's best restaurants at the foot of the Brooklyn Bridge, is gone - a victim of Hurricane Sandy. But it looks like almost everything else is back up and running.
Today I have to do some grocery shopping for food I plan to make for my dinners with the kids this week. And relax before the cycle starts all over again. Jessica, Mike, and Sabrina should be getting back from their trip to the Outer Banks some time today. Hopefully I can get to see them for a bit -- I really miss them.
Now it is time to try and get crazy dog Lucy back into the house. Lately she only comes in when she wants to. I am so tired of chasing her around the back yard -- not even a yard I want to go into since David refused to cut down the trees and sod the ground -- it is wild and fenced in - perfect for dogs.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Family and Extended Family
What would I do without my family and extended family? My niece and nephew have been wonderful. They are my brother's children. David's sister and brothers, who I have known almost as long as I have known David, have not called and none of their children have reached out either. So it seems that with respect to them an aunt is an aunt and a sister-in-law is a sister-in-law until her husband dumps her. But my brother's children have been wonderful and I am going to Brooklyn to visit with them today. Dan, Caroline, and Natalie are coming too so I won't have to drive all the way on my own.
David was here yesterday. Why is it that I can hold myself together (for the most part) when he is not here but I completely fall apart when he is here? Not good, not good, not good! My heart hurts when he reacts to me in such a cold and uncaring manner. If he has been miserable for years like he claims, how was he able to act concerned just a few weeks ago and how has he been able to suddenly turn all feelings off? Do I want him back? I'm no longer sure. Do I want him to want to come back? Absolutely. It is so degrading to be dumped! So why does he come here on Fridays -- to see Natalie who is here that day. We'll see what happens when her schedule and his schedule changes next month.
Went out to dinner with Dan and Natalie and enjoyed our time together. But the dinner turns out to be expensive since Dan doesn't pay any part of the check. Guess I shouldn't complain. David is still paying the bills and hopefully won't question the receipt. But had I known that Caroline wasn't making dinner, I would have cooked something at home rather than go the restaurant route. We'll see next week.
Tried to call back the Livingston Barnes and Nobles but the message on my answering machine had been garbled and the name of the person leaving the message was unclear. Not sure I want to travel all the way into Livingston for part-time work. Maybe I'll wait until Monday before calling back again. Part of me is hoping that the Morris Plains Barnes and Nobles calls since it is 5 minutes from here and part of me is now leaning to doing volunteer work that will allow me to make my own schedule. I am getting advise from some people to find part-time work and from others to avoid getting a paying job (no matter how low the pay) at all costs. Nothing like adamant yet conflicting advice.
Now I am going to pull a Scarlet O'Hara and say that I am not going to think about this today because tomorrow is always another day. Today I'll concentrate on my family and extended family!
David was here yesterday. Why is it that I can hold myself together (for the most part) when he is not here but I completely fall apart when he is here? Not good, not good, not good! My heart hurts when he reacts to me in such a cold and uncaring manner. If he has been miserable for years like he claims, how was he able to act concerned just a few weeks ago and how has he been able to suddenly turn all feelings off? Do I want him back? I'm no longer sure. Do I want him to want to come back? Absolutely. It is so degrading to be dumped! So why does he come here on Fridays -- to see Natalie who is here that day. We'll see what happens when her schedule and his schedule changes next month.
Went out to dinner with Dan and Natalie and enjoyed our time together. But the dinner turns out to be expensive since Dan doesn't pay any part of the check. Guess I shouldn't complain. David is still paying the bills and hopefully won't question the receipt. But had I known that Caroline wasn't making dinner, I would have cooked something at home rather than go the restaurant route. We'll see next week.
Tried to call back the Livingston Barnes and Nobles but the message on my answering machine had been garbled and the name of the person leaving the message was unclear. Not sure I want to travel all the way into Livingston for part-time work. Maybe I'll wait until Monday before calling back again. Part of me is hoping that the Morris Plains Barnes and Nobles calls since it is 5 minutes from here and part of me is now leaning to doing volunteer work that will allow me to make my own schedule. I am getting advise from some people to find part-time work and from others to avoid getting a paying job (no matter how low the pay) at all costs. Nothing like adamant yet conflicting advice.
Now I am going to pull a Scarlet O'Hara and say that I am not going to think about this today because tomorrow is always another day. Today I'll concentrate on my family and extended family!
Friday, August 16, 2013
I Don't Want Them If They Want Me
There are times now when I actually question my sanity. All I wanted last week was for someone to hire me for a part time job -- anyone! Now that I am finally getting call backs, I don't know if I actually want to do this!
Yesterday I had a last minute "interview" with the hiring manager at Stop and Shop down the street. There are two part-time positions available: one at their Starbucks stand (absolutely no way) and one as a cashier. Might have a slight interest in the cashier job, but the hours don't interest me at all. They are looking for someone to work mid-shift which consists of 4-6 hour shifts from around 12:00 PM to 6:00 PM Monday through Saturday. According to the hiring manager, part-time at Stop and Shop means of 18 to 39 hours of work per week. I don't want to first start leaving work after 6:00 PM six days each week. This would mean I couldn't help out with Natalie or Sabrina, that my visits with Jacob would end, and that dinner with any of my children would probably come to an end. Activities such as book clubs, dinner with friends, and any possible future dating would grind to a halt. I want a part-time job that gets me out of bed in the morning. I don't mind covering evening or weekends occasionally, but not every day. When the hiring manager asked me to write down my daily and hourly availability, I marked that I was only available until 5:00 PM -- I don't expect to hear back from her.
Had dinner with an acquaintance, Sharon, from Prudential. She is divorced and has been for years. Her advice was to forgo any work for pay. She said that if David and I eventually divorced, it would not be in my best interest to show that I was capable of getting a job. "If you need to get out of the house, do volunteer work". Ironically, when I got home, there was a message from the hiring manager of Barnes and Nobles in Livingston. I am tempted to call back and hear what this is about. If I were to work for Barnes and Nobles, I would prefer working at the one that is near here -- but they won't start looking at applications until next week at the earliest (or so I was told when I went in earlier this week). But given Sharon's advice, should I talk to them or tell them I am no longer interested.
Help!
Yesterday I had a last minute "interview" with the hiring manager at Stop and Shop down the street. There are two part-time positions available: one at their Starbucks stand (absolutely no way) and one as a cashier. Might have a slight interest in the cashier job, but the hours don't interest me at all. They are looking for someone to work mid-shift which consists of 4-6 hour shifts from around 12:00 PM to 6:00 PM Monday through Saturday. According to the hiring manager, part-time at Stop and Shop means of 18 to 39 hours of work per week. I don't want to first start leaving work after 6:00 PM six days each week. This would mean I couldn't help out with Natalie or Sabrina, that my visits with Jacob would end, and that dinner with any of my children would probably come to an end. Activities such as book clubs, dinner with friends, and any possible future dating would grind to a halt. I want a part-time job that gets me out of bed in the morning. I don't mind covering evening or weekends occasionally, but not every day. When the hiring manager asked me to write down my daily and hourly availability, I marked that I was only available until 5:00 PM -- I don't expect to hear back from her.
Had dinner with an acquaintance, Sharon, from Prudential. She is divorced and has been for years. Her advice was to forgo any work for pay. She said that if David and I eventually divorced, it would not be in my best interest to show that I was capable of getting a job. "If you need to get out of the house, do volunteer work". Ironically, when I got home, there was a message from the hiring manager of Barnes and Nobles in Livingston. I am tempted to call back and hear what this is about. If I were to work for Barnes and Nobles, I would prefer working at the one that is near here -- but they won't start looking at applications until next week at the earliest (or so I was told when I went in earlier this week). But given Sharon's advice, should I talk to them or tell them I am no longer interested.
Help!
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Somebody Wants Me
Yesterday I picked up Natalie at gymnastics camp and we went over to Josh and Lauren's house to play with Jacob and give Emma, the Aux Pair, a break. I do this every Wednesday -- pick Natalie up from one activity or another, then take her over to play with Jacob. David meets us there each Wednesday except the one Wednesday a month that he has a Q&M meeting. Yesterday was his one Wednesday a month.
I am also starting a new routine: dinner at Josh's on Wednesdays. To facilitate this, I've asked Dan to pick up Natalie at Josh's after work instead of at my house. This actually turns out to be better for him: it's closer or more direct or just allows him to avoid driving on Rt. 10 -- I don't remember which and it is really irrelevant to my story. In order not to feel guilty about suddenly becoming a Wednesday night fixture at Josh's, I offered to make the dinner most of those evenings which gives me a chance to cook. I enjoy cooking but no longer have much of an opportunity to do so.
At 1:30, I packed up the dinner which I had prepared before hand (it only required finishing touches) and Natalie and we proceeded to Josh's house. Playing with my grandchildren (or watching them play) warms me. I love seeing their interaction -- more so when they are not fighting. I needed this yesterday because I had descended into a "nobody loves me - nobody wants me" mood after receiving several rejections from part-time bank teller jobs to which I had applied.
All went well and I was even able to vent a little at the table during dinner. I was surprised to find that they agree with me more than I expected them to. Part of me still expects everyone to take David's side no matter what. The evening was far to short since I had to leave soon after dinner because my dogs had to be fed and walked.
Lo and behold -- when I got home there was a message on my answering machine from the hiring manager at Stop and Shop, Terry. She wants to interview me. You can't imagine how happy I felt -- someone may actually want me! Okay, let's get real. I want a part-time job so that I have a reason to get up and dressed in the morning. Stop and Shop is really close to the house -- this may work but it is Stop and Shop and who knows what they are looking for and offering. I am not getting too excited. I have no intention of pulling night shifts every night of the week.
But at least someone is showing interest. I tried calling back this morning but Terry will be in meetings until after 1:00. I'll call back later and see where this goes. At the moment I am going to hold on to the good feeling of "somebody wants me"!
I am also starting a new routine: dinner at Josh's on Wednesdays. To facilitate this, I've asked Dan to pick up Natalie at Josh's after work instead of at my house. This actually turns out to be better for him: it's closer or more direct or just allows him to avoid driving on Rt. 10 -- I don't remember which and it is really irrelevant to my story. In order not to feel guilty about suddenly becoming a Wednesday night fixture at Josh's, I offered to make the dinner most of those evenings which gives me a chance to cook. I enjoy cooking but no longer have much of an opportunity to do so.
At 1:30, I packed up the dinner which I had prepared before hand (it only required finishing touches) and Natalie and we proceeded to Josh's house. Playing with my grandchildren (or watching them play) warms me. I love seeing their interaction -- more so when they are not fighting. I needed this yesterday because I had descended into a "nobody loves me - nobody wants me" mood after receiving several rejections from part-time bank teller jobs to which I had applied.
All went well and I was even able to vent a little at the table during dinner. I was surprised to find that they agree with me more than I expected them to. Part of me still expects everyone to take David's side no matter what. The evening was far to short since I had to leave soon after dinner because my dogs had to be fed and walked.
Lo and behold -- when I got home there was a message on my answering machine from the hiring manager at Stop and Shop, Terry. She wants to interview me. You can't imagine how happy I felt -- someone may actually want me! Okay, let's get real. I want a part-time job so that I have a reason to get up and dressed in the morning. Stop and Shop is really close to the house -- this may work but it is Stop and Shop and who knows what they are looking for and offering. I am not getting too excited. I have no intention of pulling night shifts every night of the week.
But at least someone is showing interest. I tried calling back this morning but Terry will be in meetings until after 1:00. I'll call back later and see where this goes. At the moment I am going to hold on to the good feeling of "somebody wants me"!
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Hump Day
On Wednesdays I currently pick up my oldest granddaughter Natalie (daughter of Dan and Caroline)
from one activity or another and keep her until Dan picks her up after work. The two of us spend two hours with my grandson Jacob (son of Josh and Lauren).
This schedule will continue at least until Natalie starts kindergarten in a couple of weeks. Who knows what will happen afterwards.
David meets us at Josh's house when he doesn't have his monthly Wednesday Q&M meeting. Today is one of the Wednesdays he does have the meeting so he won't be joining us. When I am alone, I find it hard to do much with two active children other than supervise their play in the basement playroom in Josh's house. I don't look forward to days when I am alone -- but it looks like I have no choice.
Tonight I will be staying at Josh's house to make dinner for him and his family after Natalie is picked up. Sweet and sour meatballs - Lauren's request. Everything is prepared - I just have do some last minute combining and warm the whole thing up. Walla! Food and the companionship of my family -- who could ask for more? So why am I feeling so depressed?
My job search for a position as a part-time bank teller is running into a brick wall. Even if the only information handed in with my application is my very impressive (if I say so myself) resume, I am not getting any positive feed back. What I am getting is one rejection after another at a point when I really can't handle rejection.
What is turning everyone off? The rejection letters are polite. They thank me for applying but tell me that I don't meet the qualifications to warrant future consideration for the position. Give me a break! I have a Masters degree in pure Math and have been a successful IT project manager at one of the largest insurance companies in NJ. I know how to make change, follow rules, work with people, and survive in a corporate society. The only negative information anyone can gather from the paperwork I am handing in is my age. So although I can't prove age discrimination (wouldn't want to fight that battle with a ten-foot pole), the only explanation for the barrage of rejections is that no one wants to hire someone starting out at 64 and way over qualified for the position. But I want and need a part-time job. I need a reason to get up and dressed each morning. How do I convey that without sounding desperate? So I will move on and today I plan on walking my resume into Barnes and Nobles and into Stop and Shop. I also need to fill out the William Sonoma application I picked up at the mall yesterday and return it to the store. Onwards and upwards.
Please, someone want me too. I need to get over hump day!
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
It Takes Almost Nothing to Set Me Off
This morning David sent a text to me and all the kids: "Are any plans being made for Josh and Caroline's birthdays? I will probably be away for Labor Day weekend and have an office meeting Friday night (9/6) but am otherwise free".
Innocent enough, but that small phrase "I will probably be away for Labor Day weekend" tore my heart out. Where is he going Labor Day weekend? I will be sitting home alone -- where is he going? Who will he be with? Josh and his family will be away. Caroline and Natalie are going to visit Caroline's mom and step-dad in MD. Dan will be working. That leaves Jessica and her family; but they may already have plans I do not know about. So with whom will he be going away and where is he going? All the depression and feelings of abandonment that I have been working so hard to overcome just came rushing back and left me in tears. "Alone . I am alone! Why am I alone?" When will this end? Why did he do this to me? Will I ever feel normal and content again?
Friends help! Last night was dinner out with "the girls" (Penny, Michele, Jill) for my birthday -- albeit a very belated birthday. These plans were made long ago -- we just couldn't find a date that worked for us all any closer to my birthday. The dinner was fine. I finally told Penny what was going on in my life -- Jill and Michele already knew. I didn't break down. But when they talked about plans with their husbands I felt like an outsider looking in. That is their world now -- I no longer belong. And although we sat at dinner until really late, in the end I went home to an empty house. Well, the dogs were there -- not exactly a lively conversation.
Today I am supposed to meet up with my good friend Jane. We had plans to go to Chester and walk around. Later, we have reservations for dinner. The best laid plans -- I woke up and found that it is pouring outside. Not the best weather for walking around and exploring a historic town. Jane is going to call me after her doctor's appointment, but I have a feeling we are going to have to cancel. Hopefully dinner will still be on because I really need something to cheer me up.
Lord, help me get through this!
Innocent enough, but that small phrase "I will probably be away for Labor Day weekend" tore my heart out. Where is he going Labor Day weekend? I will be sitting home alone -- where is he going? Who will he be with? Josh and his family will be away. Caroline and Natalie are going to visit Caroline's mom and step-dad in MD. Dan will be working. That leaves Jessica and her family; but they may already have plans I do not know about. So with whom will he be going away and where is he going? All the depression and feelings of abandonment that I have been working so hard to overcome just came rushing back and left me in tears. "Alone . I am alone! Why am I alone?" When will this end? Why did he do this to me? Will I ever feel normal and content again?
Friends help! Last night was dinner out with "the girls" (Penny, Michele, Jill) for my birthday -- albeit a very belated birthday. These plans were made long ago -- we just couldn't find a date that worked for us all any closer to my birthday. The dinner was fine. I finally told Penny what was going on in my life -- Jill and Michele already knew. I didn't break down. But when they talked about plans with their husbands I felt like an outsider looking in. That is their world now -- I no longer belong. And although we sat at dinner until really late, in the end I went home to an empty house. Well, the dogs were there -- not exactly a lively conversation.
Today I am supposed to meet up with my good friend Jane. We had plans to go to Chester and walk around. Later, we have reservations for dinner. The best laid plans -- I woke up and found that it is pouring outside. Not the best weather for walking around and exploring a historic town. Jane is going to call me after her doctor's appointment, but I have a feeling we are going to have to cancel. Hopefully dinner will still be on because I really need something to cheer me up.
Lord, help me get through this!
Monday, August 12, 2013
Therapy or not Therapy - that is the question.
I have always been a believer in solving my own problems. I feel that I am just as smart as anyone who has a degree allowing them to hang out a shingle and counsel patients; that I have an instinct for what is right for me; and that I have a strong will that helps me make changes that need to be made. I saw a therapist two or three times during my first year of marriage (don't want to talk about that at the moment, but it definitely could be related!) -- definitely did not help me -- and I haven't been back since -- that is until now!
When my husband first blindsided me with the news that he was leaving, we finally agreed to go to a marriage counselor together. Our first session was on a Monday soon after the announcement. Throughout the hour, David kept on saying "I want to try but I don't see how it is going to work". He said it so many times that the therapist turned around and said that she saw nothing she could work on to rebuild our marriage: he wanted out; I wanted him to stay -- no middle ground -- I lose. Although we scheduled a second session for that Friday, the therapist's pronouncement gave David the license to pick up and leave -- and he did. I've been blaming her for saying that there was nothing left in our marriage to work on, but in truth, she was calling a spade a spade. By the time we went back to see her on Friday we had already agreed to separate and find our own separate therapists.
That weekend I called a list of therapists covered by our insurance and made an appointment with the first one who responded. I was very much taken aback when I first met the therapist -- so young -- as young as if not younger than my daughter. How had life past me by and left me way older than any professional support system available to me? Last week the session was information gathering and I wasn't sure if I would continue seeing her. This week was better.
Today we talked - talked about my "blog", talked about my signing up for a meetup with people in my circumstances, talked about my frustrations in looking for part time work, talked about my thoughts about David's and my whole relationship. We talked about both David and I bringing years of issues to the table that have caused this rift despite me blaming myself for everything that has happened. We talked about my now being unsure if I would even want to take David back if he wanted to come back. Today I was comfortable talking to her and could see these sessions continuing for a while.
Today a feel a little stronger. Welcome to the 2010s!
When my husband first blindsided me with the news that he was leaving, we finally agreed to go to a marriage counselor together. Our first session was on a Monday soon after the announcement. Throughout the hour, David kept on saying "I want to try but I don't see how it is going to work". He said it so many times that the therapist turned around and said that she saw nothing she could work on to rebuild our marriage: he wanted out; I wanted him to stay -- no middle ground -- I lose. Although we scheduled a second session for that Friday, the therapist's pronouncement gave David the license to pick up and leave -- and he did. I've been blaming her for saying that there was nothing left in our marriage to work on, but in truth, she was calling a spade a spade. By the time we went back to see her on Friday we had already agreed to separate and find our own separate therapists.
That weekend I called a list of therapists covered by our insurance and made an appointment with the first one who responded. I was very much taken aback when I first met the therapist -- so young -- as young as if not younger than my daughter. How had life past me by and left me way older than any professional support system available to me? Last week the session was information gathering and I wasn't sure if I would continue seeing her. This week was better.
Today we talked - talked about my "blog", talked about my signing up for a meetup with people in my circumstances, talked about my frustrations in looking for part time work, talked about my thoughts about David's and my whole relationship. We talked about both David and I bringing years of issues to the table that have caused this rift despite me blaming myself for everything that has happened. We talked about my now being unsure if I would even want to take David back if he wanted to come back. Today I was comfortable talking to her and could see these sessions continuing for a while.
Today a feel a little stronger. Welcome to the 2010s!
Sunday, August 11, 2013
Sunday, not so sweet Sunday (and Saturday too)
Lord, I hate weekends now! It's not that I have an aversion to a particular day of the week; it's just that my whole married and paired-off support system has their own social obligations on weekends that don't generally include me. Saturday and Sunday are now empty and lonely!
Yesterday (Saturday) I started this blog, did laundry, baked French Macaroons, and went shopping for the ingredients for the dinner I am going to bring to Josh's on Wednesday -- and by 4:00 PM I was freaking out with nothing more to do. I had texted Dan's wife yesterday morning to find out if she wanted to join me on a visit to the farmer's market in Chester today (Dan has been working on Sundays) but hadn't heard back from her. By 4:00 I was telling myself that Sunday (today) was going to be worse than Saturday (yesterday) and I was definitely feeling very sorry for myself. Finally got a response from my DIL (daughter-in-law) 7:00 PM.. She said that she and my granddaughter were going to join me today. Yay! Someone cares enough to spend the day with me -- I can stop feeling sorry for myself (for the moment).
I got up early today (not on purpose, but who sleeps any more) and laundered and changed sheets and towels. My DIL and granddaughter arrived around 11:15 and off we went to the farmer's market. Unfortunately the market was a bust! Even though Chester is surrounded by farms, the picking at the market were measly. Not at all like the unbelievable market in Portland OR. Despite that, we had a nice afternoon, and they came over for lunch afterwards.
I signed onto Meetup.com and joined a couple of senior singles groups in NJ. Even signed up for my first meetup which will be in 2 weeks. Nervous, but I need to fill my time and find people I can spend the weekend with. First positive thing I've done for me and a long time!
Dogs are barking now -- they want to be fed (imagine that!). I also need to cook the meal I am taking over to Josh's on Wednesday and take out the garbage and recycling for tomorrow's pick up (was never my job and I don't want to forget and have the garage start smelling like a sewer).
Yesterday (Saturday) I started this blog, did laundry, baked French Macaroons, and went shopping for the ingredients for the dinner I am going to bring to Josh's on Wednesday -- and by 4:00 PM I was freaking out with nothing more to do. I had texted Dan's wife yesterday morning to find out if she wanted to join me on a visit to the farmer's market in Chester today (Dan has been working on Sundays) but hadn't heard back from her. By 4:00 I was telling myself that Sunday (today) was going to be worse than Saturday (yesterday) and I was definitely feeling very sorry for myself. Finally got a response from my DIL (daughter-in-law) 7:00 PM.. She said that she and my granddaughter were going to join me today. Yay! Someone cares enough to spend the day with me -- I can stop feeling sorry for myself (for the moment).
I got up early today (not on purpose, but who sleeps any more) and laundered and changed sheets and towels. My DIL and granddaughter arrived around 11:15 and off we went to the farmer's market. Unfortunately the market was a bust! Even though Chester is surrounded by farms, the picking at the market were measly. Not at all like the unbelievable market in Portland OR. Despite that, we had a nice afternoon, and they came over for lunch afterwards.
I signed onto Meetup.com and joined a couple of senior singles groups in NJ. Even signed up for my first meetup which will be in 2 weeks. Nervous, but I need to fill my time and find people I can spend the weekend with. First positive thing I've done for me and a long time!
Dogs are barking now -- they want to be fed (imagine that!). I also need to cook the meal I am taking over to Josh's on Wednesday and take out the garbage and recycling for tomorrow's pick up (was never my job and I don't want to forget and have the garage start smelling like a sewer).
Saturday, August 10, 2013
How did this happen -- the background
This is me, Connie Biderman Strassberg, on July 3, 2013 just before my life was turned upside down:
Not so bad for someone who was 15 days shy of turning 64 and had just celebrated 42 years of marriage. I looked happy and I was happy -- or I thought I was happy. My husband and I and our whole family were on a family vacation in Cape May and my daughter scheduled a family photo shoot with the photographer who took her wedding photos.
This is one of the family photos taken that Wednesday evening. That's me and my husband David in the back; my son-in-law Mike to the left with my daughter Jessica holding her daughter Sabrina in front of him; my daughter-in-law Lauren in the middle with my son Josh holding his son Jacob in front of her; and my son Dan to the right with my daughter-in-law Caroline holding her daughter Natalie in front of him.
On Saturday, July 6, we returned home and on Sunday morning my husband brought my world crashing down around me when he told me that he was leaving. Devastated? Yah! Shocked? You betcha! How does someone go on a family vacation and pretend that everything is fine while acting normal and happy when he has retained a lawyer, rented an apartment, and claims to have been miserable for years. Yes, beyond shocked. Suddenly my life is filled with lawyers and therapists and loneliness. How did this happen?
A month later, I am not crying as often -- well not 24/7 anyway; I am looking for a part time job -- something to get me out of the house and in the company of some people over 3 feet tall (no easy task when you are my age and have been retired for three years); I am trying to fill my days without going nuts; and I am desperately trying to figure out what happened and what is going to happen. I think it was my daughter who suggested that I keep a journal -- I guess a blog is like a journal.
On Saturday, July 6, we returned home and on Sunday morning my husband brought my world crashing down around me when he told me that he was leaving. Devastated? Yah! Shocked? You betcha! How does someone go on a family vacation and pretend that everything is fine while acting normal and happy when he has retained a lawyer, rented an apartment, and claims to have been miserable for years. Yes, beyond shocked. Suddenly my life is filled with lawyers and therapists and loneliness. How did this happen?
A month later, I am not crying as often -- well not 24/7 anyway; I am looking for a part time job -- something to get me out of the house and in the company of some people over 3 feet tall (no easy task when you are my age and have been retired for three years); I am trying to fill my days without going nuts; and I am desperately trying to figure out what happened and what is going to happen. I think it was my daughter who suggested that I keep a journal -- I guess a blog is like a journal.
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