Well, today I've accomplished what I wanted to accomplish -- now I can check off that I've been on my first date since 1967.
I've
been writing to someone from the "pof.com" (plenty of fish) match website and met up with him
today for lunch. It was pleasant enough: I didn't cry, I could talk to
a complete stranger
for over an hour, and I actually manage to eat my food without
gagging. All good!
However, I felt that we had little to nothing in common and he looked
much older than the photo he posted of himself on the web. What is with
that? Did he think I wouldn't notice? I hear that is done a lot. Does it get someone more first dates to lie? Why would anyone want a second date after meeting someone much older than advertised on the first date?
I don't feel
the need or the desire to see him again, for sure. Didn't even want to give him my phone number or real contact information. He asked me to meet
him for dinner and a
movie later in the week -- I had to tell him no which made me feel bad
-- but what's the point? Chalk this one up to gaining experience.
Now
that my first-first date is behind me, I can move on and hopefully
eventually meet someone I am interested in seeing a second time.
Also went to a meet-up this past Thursday with a group called Professional Jewish Singles which is run by Sharon from my book club. Sharon swore that her group was different and that I would meet a better class of people. The meetup was a bust. I thought we were going out for
dinner -- but it really was just "happy hour" at this nice restaurant in
Fairfield. What the heck? I'm not a big drinker so it didn't do a lot
for me. I would have preferred sitting down to dinner with the group, but most people left after one drink. Some of the women seemed nice -- but the same creepy men (including one who
has been at almost every meetup I've gone to and greets me every time as
if he were my best friend -- seeing him makes me want to run and take
another shower). I'm signed up for another meetup with this group but am not sure I will go. Just don't want to have to explain to Sharon why I am canceling.
So meetups don't seem to work and I'm not thrill with what I am seeing on the free match-up sites. Will I have to start paying -- first want to find out if anyone has actually met someone nice on one of those sites. Can't throw out my money on nonsense.
They say you have to kiss a lot of frogs -- I'm not even at a kissing stage yet - just want to meet a nice frog I want to kiss.
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Stranded at the Drive-in
Got up yesterday and got myself ready for my first date in 46+ years. Chose an outfit and carefully applied my make-up. Timed it so that I would get to the restaurant and parked before the designated meeting time, noon. Sat in my car so as not to be early. Braced myself and went in. But no Jimbo8808!
Figured maybe I was early so I walked up and down the block always keeping the entrance to the Morristown Deli in sight. No one who looked likeJimbo8808's online photo. Went back into the restaurant and asked if any man had arrived saying he was waiting for a date. Nope!
I was told that there was a guy with a small dog sitting alone on the back patio -- but no one asking about a date. By 12:30 I sat down and ordered lunch -- maybe I was mistaken and we were supposed to meet after 12:30 rather than at noon. I could only contact Jimbo8808 through pof.com and my computer was at home. I sat the whole time keeping an eye on the entry. My lunch finally arrived but Jimbo8808 didn't so I ate my sandwich still staring at the door. By 12:50 I had had it. Asked for the check, paid my bill. and went home.
Once I got home I sent Jimbo8808 an email saying he had to be kidding me. How could he not show up without canceling. Suddenly there was a slew of emails from Jimbo8808 -- where was I?; he was so sorry; ran into his friend sitting out back with the dog and decided to wait with him; and could I come back and have a late lunch or dinner with him? How stupid can a person be? He sat in back with his friend for an hour and never thought to check inside the restaurant where we were supposed to meet. I am not impressed. However, since he knew about the man with the dog, I am assuming he was telling the truth. I, on the other hand, am looking to get my first date out of the way and there aren't too many semi-decent prospects who are responding to my emails -- so I agreed to meet Jimbo8808 next Saturday for lunch at PaneVino in Livingston. If he doesn't show up again, I will at least like the food. And if he doesn't show up again, I am going to block him from communicating with me ever again. Bad enough that I am putting up with my AH husband -- I certainly don't want to deal with an AH first date.
At least I had a nice dinner. Met up with Cyndee who I met at two previously meetups. We ate at Tabor Road Tavern -- food was fine but the place is way too noisy for me. Cyndee and I spent the evening commiserating and swapping AH husband stories.
The this morning when I went to get the paper, I managed to lock myself out of the house. I think Tom's (my contractor) wife managed to turn the lever on the handle of the door from the garage into the basement causing the door to lock when it was shut. The back door to the laundry room and the front door to the house were locked too. No way in and there I was in my nightgown and a thin robe with no underwear. Luckily I had my phone with me and was able to call Jess who sent Mike over with the key. Unfortunately, it took Mike around 30 minutes to arrive (also in PJs -- we could have had a pajama party!) and I was freezing!
By that time I didn't have enough time to shower, get dressed, and travel to the meetup at a crafts fair for which I had signed up. I canceled and instead went to have another house key made which I put under the mat next to the door leading from the garage into the basement. If this ever happens again, I will at least have a hidden key that I can use. Realized how lucky I was to have my cell phone with me. Had I not had it I would have had to go to a neighbor (none of whom I know) and asked to use their phone. Only problem is that I don't know anyone's phone number by heart. I would have been screwed. Better to have a hidden key.
Figured maybe I was early so I walked up and down the block always keeping the entrance to the Morristown Deli in sight. No one who looked likeJimbo8808's online photo. Went back into the restaurant and asked if any man had arrived saying he was waiting for a date. Nope!
I was told that there was a guy with a small dog sitting alone on the back patio -- but no one asking about a date. By 12:30 I sat down and ordered lunch -- maybe I was mistaken and we were supposed to meet after 12:30 rather than at noon. I could only contact Jimbo8808 through pof.com and my computer was at home. I sat the whole time keeping an eye on the entry. My lunch finally arrived but Jimbo8808 didn't so I ate my sandwich still staring at the door. By 12:50 I had had it. Asked for the check, paid my bill. and went home.
Once I got home I sent Jimbo8808 an email saying he had to be kidding me. How could he not show up without canceling. Suddenly there was a slew of emails from Jimbo8808 -- where was I?; he was so sorry; ran into his friend sitting out back with the dog and decided to wait with him; and could I come back and have a late lunch or dinner with him? How stupid can a person be? He sat in back with his friend for an hour and never thought to check inside the restaurant where we were supposed to meet. I am not impressed. However, since he knew about the man with the dog, I am assuming he was telling the truth. I, on the other hand, am looking to get my first date out of the way and there aren't too many semi-decent prospects who are responding to my emails -- so I agreed to meet Jimbo8808 next Saturday for lunch at PaneVino in Livingston. If he doesn't show up again, I will at least like the food. And if he doesn't show up again, I am going to block him from communicating with me ever again. Bad enough that I am putting up with my AH husband -- I certainly don't want to deal with an AH first date.
At least I had a nice dinner. Met up with Cyndee who I met at two previously meetups. We ate at Tabor Road Tavern -- food was fine but the place is way too noisy for me. Cyndee and I spent the evening commiserating and swapping AH husband stories.
The this morning when I went to get the paper, I managed to lock myself out of the house. I think Tom's (my contractor) wife managed to turn the lever on the handle of the door from the garage into the basement causing the door to lock when it was shut. The back door to the laundry room and the front door to the house were locked too. No way in and there I was in my nightgown and a thin robe with no underwear. Luckily I had my phone with me and was able to call Jess who sent Mike over with the key. Unfortunately, it took Mike around 30 minutes to arrive (also in PJs -- we could have had a pajama party!) and I was freezing!
By that time I didn't have enough time to shower, get dressed, and travel to the meetup at a crafts fair for which I had signed up. I canceled and instead went to have another house key made which I put under the mat next to the door leading from the garage into the basement. If this ever happens again, I will at least have a hidden key that I can use. Realized how lucky I was to have my cell phone with me. Had I not had it I would have had to go to a neighbor (none of whom I know) and asked to use their phone. Only problem is that I don't know anyone's phone number by heart. I would have been screwed. Better to have a hidden key.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Got a First Date, Oh My
On Saturday Cyndee told me about POF.com (Plenty of Fish) which is a free online dating site -- well there is some sort of advanced membership you can pay for but this is one of the few sites that let's you contact and email other members without paying a fee. So I signed up on Sunday and started emailing some prospects and getting emails back from some and getting unsolicited emails from others.
A 67 year old Jewish guy from West Orange sent me an email asking me where Greystone Park is. My zip code, 07950, which is for the Morris Plains section of Parsippany, comes through as Greystone Park. I sent back an email saying this and he responded by asking me to meet him at the Morristown Deli this Saturday at noon.
Even if the date turns out horribly and/or leads to nothing, right now someone expressed an interest in me and that makes me feel great. Someone finds me attractive and wants to meet me. After these months of rejection, this is wonderful!
A 67 year old Jewish guy from West Orange sent me an email asking me where Greystone Park is. My zip code, 07950, which is for the Morris Plains section of Parsippany, comes through as Greystone Park. I sent back an email saying this and he responded by asking me to meet him at the Morristown Deli this Saturday at noon.
Even if the date turns out horribly and/or leads to nothing, right now someone expressed an interest in me and that makes me feel great. Someone finds me attractive and wants to meet me. After these months of rejection, this is wonderful!
I'm So Tired
Why am I so tired all the time now? Am I feeling low because I am drained and tired or am I drained and tired because I am feeling low? Problem when I am feeling down is that I want David to come back, to apologize, to beg forgiveness, and to ask to be taken back. I want to understand why he has done this to me and what he is getting out of it. Not going to happen! I fully understand -- but still -- it is what I want -- especially when I am feeling down.
On the advice of my new acquaintance Cyndee I joined POF.com. POF stands for "plenty of fish". It is a free dating service that allows you to send email to other singles without paying for membership. Of course, because this site is single it attracts all sorts who don't want to pay, and those like me who are just getting our toes wet. Cyndee said that this is practice before joining J-date or Match.com. So I have sent out a number of email; gotten some responses, and having a pretty non descript back and forth about museums with someone in Morristown who contacted me first. Let's see if he asks me out for coffee or drinks or just wants to continue emailing -- eventually I'll get bored.
Nice to have someone show the tiniest bit of an interest; but don't like negative email. Got an email response from someone yesterday asking me if I had decided to change both outside and inside in July. He saw a photo from July of me with dark hair and a photo from August of me with much shorter and streaked hair. And since I said I was recently separated, this guy assumed that I dumped David after 42 years (inside change) and got my hair done (outside change). Said that he assumed that if one was married for 42 years then the marriage would last forever. I wrote back that I had made the same assumption and that I was not the one doing the dumping. I asked him what his story was, but haven't heard back -- it's okay if I never do hear back. A bit more judgmental than I want at the moment.
Wednesdays are turning into my craziest day of the week. Get up and take care of dogs; volunteer courier at Morristown Memorial from 9-1; go home and take care of dogs; get Natalie at school around 2:35 or 3:45 (depending if she has an after school activity); take Natalie to swimming from 4:30-5:00; meet Dan somewhere for dinner; and then NCJW's Group Peer Therapy about Women Coping with Divorce and Separation from 7:30-9:00. Any wonder that I am tired?
On the advice of my new acquaintance Cyndee I joined POF.com. POF stands for "plenty of fish". It is a free dating service that allows you to send email to other singles without paying for membership. Of course, because this site is single it attracts all sorts who don't want to pay, and those like me who are just getting our toes wet. Cyndee said that this is practice before joining J-date or Match.com. So I have sent out a number of email; gotten some responses, and having a pretty non descript back and forth about museums with someone in Morristown who contacted me first. Let's see if he asks me out for coffee or drinks or just wants to continue emailing -- eventually I'll get bored.
Nice to have someone show the tiniest bit of an interest; but don't like negative email. Got an email response from someone yesterday asking me if I had decided to change both outside and inside in July. He saw a photo from July of me with dark hair and a photo from August of me with much shorter and streaked hair. And since I said I was recently separated, this guy assumed that I dumped David after 42 years (inside change) and got my hair done (outside change). Said that he assumed that if one was married for 42 years then the marriage would last forever. I wrote back that I had made the same assumption and that I was not the one doing the dumping. I asked him what his story was, but haven't heard back -- it's okay if I never do hear back. A bit more judgmental than I want at the moment.
Wednesdays are turning into my craziest day of the week. Get up and take care of dogs; volunteer courier at Morristown Memorial from 9-1; go home and take care of dogs; get Natalie at school around 2:35 or 3:45 (depending if she has an after school activity); take Natalie to swimming from 4:30-5:00; meet Dan somewhere for dinner; and then NCJW's Group Peer Therapy about Women Coping with Divorce and Separation from 7:30-9:00. Any wonder that I am tired?
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Strange Weekend
This has been a very strange and different weekend.
Friday night I had no plans so I was able to mold the chocolate chess pieces for Natalie's birthday cake. It really took all evening -- I only have one mold for the chess pieces which all have to be done twice to make both halves of the piece which is then glued together with more chocolate. In addition, the mold only has space for 4 pawn halves and there are 8 pawns on each side -- so the pawns required additional molding time even when all the other pieces were done. I was totally engrossed and distracted and at one point looked at the clock, realized it was late, and wondered when David was getting home. Quickly realized he wasn't. Why do these strange thoughts pop up when I am not thinking?
Yesterday, Saturday, was Jacob's second birthday party. He had turned two last Wednesday. The strange part about the day was that David and a lot of his family were there and this is the first time I have seen them (the family, not David) since he left. His sister Susan, brother-in-law Joe, brother Peter, sister-in-law Elaine, brother Richard, Richard's girlfriend Verna, Susan's son Joey, his wife Rosanne, Joey's Jacob and Matt were all very nice to me -- came over to say hello and ask how I was doing -- although no one has contacted me up to now (guess 46 years means very little). Peter's daughters Sonya and Diane did not come; Jackie said hi but little else; Carolyn ignored me until the last minute - actually walked past me several time and looked the other way. Holy shit bitch! He left me -- not the other way around!
At the party Daniel mentioned that since Caroline and Natalie are away he was planning to go to the movies by himself at around 8 or 9 after the party to see the new Sandra Bullock and George Clooney movie "Gravity". It sounded like an interesting movie and I had no plans so I asked if I could join him. And I did. So for a complete non-movie person I am now inviting myself along to go to movies with my children.
Today was the long awaited Meet and Greet at Agudath Israel in Caldwell. Man was I disappointed. The crowd was not my sort of crowd at all -- holy moly, even the young ones looked old! I spent most of the time talking to Cyndee whom I met Monday. I've asked if she wants to join me for dinner on a day we are not doing something, send her possible dates, and she keeps on saying she will look into it. Distinct possibility that I won't see her again either. They say you've got to kiss a lot of frogs. I think you've got to try a ton of different meetups before you find one that fits. Or try something else.
Friday night I had no plans so I was able to mold the chocolate chess pieces for Natalie's birthday cake. It really took all evening -- I only have one mold for the chess pieces which all have to be done twice to make both halves of the piece which is then glued together with more chocolate. In addition, the mold only has space for 4 pawn halves and there are 8 pawns on each side -- so the pawns required additional molding time even when all the other pieces were done. I was totally engrossed and distracted and at one point looked at the clock, realized it was late, and wondered when David was getting home. Quickly realized he wasn't. Why do these strange thoughts pop up when I am not thinking?
Yesterday, Saturday, was Jacob's second birthday party. He had turned two last Wednesday. The strange part about the day was that David and a lot of his family were there and this is the first time I have seen them (the family, not David) since he left. His sister Susan, brother-in-law Joe, brother Peter, sister-in-law Elaine, brother Richard, Richard's girlfriend Verna, Susan's son Joey, his wife Rosanne, Joey's Jacob and Matt were all very nice to me -- came over to say hello and ask how I was doing -- although no one has contacted me up to now (guess 46 years means very little). Peter's daughters Sonya and Diane did not come; Jackie said hi but little else; Carolyn ignored me until the last minute - actually walked past me several time and looked the other way. Holy shit bitch! He left me -- not the other way around!
At the party Daniel mentioned that since Caroline and Natalie are away he was planning to go to the movies by himself at around 8 or 9 after the party to see the new Sandra Bullock and George Clooney movie "Gravity". It sounded like an interesting movie and I had no plans so I asked if I could join him. And I did. So for a complete non-movie person I am now inviting myself along to go to movies with my children.
Today was the long awaited Meet and Greet at Agudath Israel in Caldwell. Man was I disappointed. The crowd was not my sort of crowd at all -- holy moly, even the young ones looked old! I spent most of the time talking to Cyndee whom I met Monday. I've asked if she wants to join me for dinner on a day we are not doing something, send her possible dates, and she keeps on saying she will look into it. Distinct possibility that I won't see her again either. They say you've got to kiss a lot of frogs. I think you've got to try a ton of different meetups before you find one that fits. Or try something else.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Way Too Busy
I have been way too busy the last couple of days to sit down and write. By the time I have the time, I am too tired! I've been exhausted lately and feel like I am possibly coming down with a cold or something.
Was having more trouble hearing, so on Monday I went down to Woodbridge to have my hearing aids tuned. Ali, my audiologist, is so sweet. I told her what has been going on -- she went into shock. The audiologist is in the same building and on the same floor as David's alternative medicine practice and David used to do their ear exams between his chelation patients. The receptionist, Maryann, asked how David was liking his new job -- I told her he was liking it - what else could I say? I asked Ali not to tell Maryann what I had just told her. Anyway, now that my hearing aids are fine tuned and hopefully I will have a fighting chance when I do the Information Desk at Morristown Memorial tomorrow.
David came over after work on Monday on his way to Daniel's house for dinner. He needed to collect his mail and do a few minor things around the house for me. As always, our relationship seems so normal when we are together but then he gets up and leaves. I guess on his part there is really nothing there (and probably hasn't been for who knows how long -- I never knew it and he was always hiding it). We both left at the same time -- him to go to Daniel's and me to go to the Martini Bar in Millburn for a meet-up.
The meet-up in Millburn was billed as an "experiential" discussion. It was led by a volunteer who had no training and no experience. She was young and of Indian-Hindu heritage and decided to talk about accepting what was meant to me rather than about experiences. Wish I had know her back ground before paying $14 for the honor of talking to her. She was nice, but definitely not worth paying for. Before the discussion one could purchase drinks and/or food at the bar and mingle with other singles. And once again I sat at the bar mostly by myself. I spoke to several women but the men weren't flocking to me. I started questioning why I am warding off attention. I really was NOT interested in ANYONE there and must have been sending out clear signals that I wasn't interested. I am going to have to learn to manipulate and control my body language. I did meet a nice woman who although ~10 years younger than me has practically the same separation story. She must have been sending out a completely different vibe because several men flocked around her -- even though she was definitely not good looking (attractive but plain). Anyway, we exchanged information and I will see her again this coming Sunday at the Agudath Israel meetup. Maybe this is someone I can comfortably meet for dinner or to do something on a weekend when we are not otherwise occupied.
On Tuesday I saw my therapist for the first time in a month. I asked her why I was still feeling bad a lot of the time since I am definitely moving forward. She said that it is normal to experience the highs and lows but that I was definitely doing well. The lows will eventually get further and further apart and I get used to my new life. We also discussed my body language at socially oriented singles meetups. She said that I was definitely giving off "stay away from me" vibes because I wasn't interested. I was most likely putting up a barrier around me that prevented anyone from approaching. I made another appointment in a month, but after that I think I will call her on an as-needs basis.
Tuesday afternoon was a swirl of Natalie, Sabrina, and making dinner at Jessica and Mike's (veal parmesan and caprese salad). By the time I got home I was tired. But Tuesday didn't even compare to Wednesday. On Wednesday I got up really, really early to take care of everything so I could get to Morristown Memorial by 9:00 for my volunteer courier job. I now can get around the whole hospital on my own without too much trouble -- if I'm unsure I ask -- there is always someone around who can direct me. I did a lot of runs between 9:00 AM and 12:00 PM when I broke for lunch with the group - it is nice to be included in something instead of just walking around on my own. I did another couple of runs after lunch and then left at one. At least I feel really useful doing this courier work.
I had a short break before I had to go to pick up Natalie from her after school activity (chess club) at 3:45 at Collins. I took her from school to her swimming class at Gold gym and then I took her home to my house. I let her watch a movie while I prepared dinner. Used the Foreman grill by myself for the first time -- not a problem. Made grilled chicken, couscous, and caprese salad with the mozzarella cheese left over from dinner at Jessica's. Unfortunately, Dan was stuck at work, so it was just me and Natalie who must have liked the meal because she kept on asking for more chicken. I packed up a meal for Daniel and was getting ready to take it and Natalie to Jessica's so that I could get to my first support group session on time when Daniel came. He took Natalie and the food home and I left almost immediately after.
National Council of Jewish Women runs a six week peer support group "Women Coping with Separation and Divorce". A lot of people have raved about it and I signed up -- the first session was last night. The group is led by two trained "facilitators" who are NOT therapists. There were 9 woman of all different backgrounds there at all different stages of divorce and separation. We had a lot in common: shock, loneliness, need to make friends with people with similar circumstances; and a lot not in common: some have severe financial problems and some are well off, some left and some were left, some are glad to get out of their marriages and some are not. All I can say is thanks god I am not having some of their financial problems - at least at the moment. I have to be careful not to go off the deep end with spending, but David is giving me enough to pay my bills and live essentially like I was living before -- at least for now. Yesterday everyone told their story. Some people were way stronger than other -- I was one of the few who cried -- but I am one of the most recently separated, one of the oldest, one who was probably married the longest, and one of the few who was completely taken by surprise. One woman, Tracey, initiated her separation and doesn't have custody of her children; most of the others had husbands who left. One woman (actually a young girl) has a 4 year old and 2 year old twins. She is new to the area, knows practically no one, has almost no friends here, and no family or support group to help her. Another woman has two adopted teenage daughters and a husband who is not supporting them. She just lost her job and apparently she and her husband haven't paid the mortgage for years so her house is in foreclosure. In addition, her parents are sick and can't help her. So many pathetic stories. I was told that I would grow close to the women in this group, not sure if I will be able to get close to them -- I have so little in common with them at the moment other than that we are all split from our husbands. Well there are 5 more sessions and we'll see.
I was exhausted by the time I got home last night and still tired when I got up this morning for my ceramics class. I got to the class on time to find out that there are now around 10 people in the class only one of whom is a beginner like me. This is so disappointing. The class was listed for beginners who are novices working with clay and cost $370 for the 10 class session. I would have never signed up if I knew that the class would be filled with non-beginners. Instead of spending time helping me and the other beginner, the instructor spent almost all his time with those who already knew what they were doing. I felt ignored! I was there from 10:00 AM until 11:55 AM and barely got any attention. I had no idea what I was doing. As soon as I was able to start something on the wheel, it collapsed and I had to start all over again. I asked for help a number of times and the instructor came over, told me to do something, and left to help others. Finally, at 11:55 I told him that I was unhappy, and left. I went to the office to try and get a refund - at best they will give me a credit for classes not taken. They say they can not prevent anyone from taking any class if the time is good for them. But this class was listed as a beginners class and I am NOT happy. Before next Thursday, I will have to decide if I want to get a credit for classes not taken or whether I will try to continue with this class. I am going to look through the brochure and see what else is offered at times when I can take classes since the schedule seems to be the same from semester to semester.
Well that brings me to the present. Meeting Sharon K for dinner tonight. Haven't seen her since mid-August which is not unusual -- I hadn't seen her for years before that. As a long time divorcee, she was able to give me some very good advice last time. Let's see what else I can learn tonight.
Was having more trouble hearing, so on Monday I went down to Woodbridge to have my hearing aids tuned. Ali, my audiologist, is so sweet. I told her what has been going on -- she went into shock. The audiologist is in the same building and on the same floor as David's alternative medicine practice and David used to do their ear exams between his chelation patients. The receptionist, Maryann, asked how David was liking his new job -- I told her he was liking it - what else could I say? I asked Ali not to tell Maryann what I had just told her. Anyway, now that my hearing aids are fine tuned and hopefully I will have a fighting chance when I do the Information Desk at Morristown Memorial tomorrow.
David came over after work on Monday on his way to Daniel's house for dinner. He needed to collect his mail and do a few minor things around the house for me. As always, our relationship seems so normal when we are together but then he gets up and leaves. I guess on his part there is really nothing there (and probably hasn't been for who knows how long -- I never knew it and he was always hiding it). We both left at the same time -- him to go to Daniel's and me to go to the Martini Bar in Millburn for a meet-up.
The meet-up in Millburn was billed as an "experiential" discussion. It was led by a volunteer who had no training and no experience. She was young and of Indian-Hindu heritage and decided to talk about accepting what was meant to me rather than about experiences. Wish I had know her back ground before paying $14 for the honor of talking to her. She was nice, but definitely not worth paying for. Before the discussion one could purchase drinks and/or food at the bar and mingle with other singles. And once again I sat at the bar mostly by myself. I spoke to several women but the men weren't flocking to me. I started questioning why I am warding off attention. I really was NOT interested in ANYONE there and must have been sending out clear signals that I wasn't interested. I am going to have to learn to manipulate and control my body language. I did meet a nice woman who although ~10 years younger than me has practically the same separation story. She must have been sending out a completely different vibe because several men flocked around her -- even though she was definitely not good looking (attractive but plain). Anyway, we exchanged information and I will see her again this coming Sunday at the Agudath Israel meetup. Maybe this is someone I can comfortably meet for dinner or to do something on a weekend when we are not otherwise occupied.
On Tuesday I saw my therapist for the first time in a month. I asked her why I was still feeling bad a lot of the time since I am definitely moving forward. She said that it is normal to experience the highs and lows but that I was definitely doing well. The lows will eventually get further and further apart and I get used to my new life. We also discussed my body language at socially oriented singles meetups. She said that I was definitely giving off "stay away from me" vibes because I wasn't interested. I was most likely putting up a barrier around me that prevented anyone from approaching. I made another appointment in a month, but after that I think I will call her on an as-needs basis.
Tuesday afternoon was a swirl of Natalie, Sabrina, and making dinner at Jessica and Mike's (veal parmesan and caprese salad). By the time I got home I was tired. But Tuesday didn't even compare to Wednesday. On Wednesday I got up really, really early to take care of everything so I could get to Morristown Memorial by 9:00 for my volunteer courier job. I now can get around the whole hospital on my own without too much trouble -- if I'm unsure I ask -- there is always someone around who can direct me. I did a lot of runs between 9:00 AM and 12:00 PM when I broke for lunch with the group - it is nice to be included in something instead of just walking around on my own. I did another couple of runs after lunch and then left at one. At least I feel really useful doing this courier work.
I had a short break before I had to go to pick up Natalie from her after school activity (chess club) at 3:45 at Collins. I took her from school to her swimming class at Gold gym and then I took her home to my house. I let her watch a movie while I prepared dinner. Used the Foreman grill by myself for the first time -- not a problem. Made grilled chicken, couscous, and caprese salad with the mozzarella cheese left over from dinner at Jessica's. Unfortunately, Dan was stuck at work, so it was just me and Natalie who must have liked the meal because she kept on asking for more chicken. I packed up a meal for Daniel and was getting ready to take it and Natalie to Jessica's so that I could get to my first support group session on time when Daniel came. He took Natalie and the food home and I left almost immediately after.
National Council of Jewish Women runs a six week peer support group "Women Coping with Separation and Divorce". A lot of people have raved about it and I signed up -- the first session was last night. The group is led by two trained "facilitators" who are NOT therapists. There were 9 woman of all different backgrounds there at all different stages of divorce and separation. We had a lot in common: shock, loneliness, need to make friends with people with similar circumstances; and a lot not in common: some have severe financial problems and some are well off, some left and some were left, some are glad to get out of their marriages and some are not. All I can say is thanks god I am not having some of their financial problems - at least at the moment. I have to be careful not to go off the deep end with spending, but David is giving me enough to pay my bills and live essentially like I was living before -- at least for now. Yesterday everyone told their story. Some people were way stronger than other -- I was one of the few who cried -- but I am one of the most recently separated, one of the oldest, one who was probably married the longest, and one of the few who was completely taken by surprise. One woman, Tracey, initiated her separation and doesn't have custody of her children; most of the others had husbands who left. One woman (actually a young girl) has a 4 year old and 2 year old twins. She is new to the area, knows practically no one, has almost no friends here, and no family or support group to help her. Another woman has two adopted teenage daughters and a husband who is not supporting them. She just lost her job and apparently she and her husband haven't paid the mortgage for years so her house is in foreclosure. In addition, her parents are sick and can't help her. So many pathetic stories. I was told that I would grow close to the women in this group, not sure if I will be able to get close to them -- I have so little in common with them at the moment other than that we are all split from our husbands. Well there are 5 more sessions and we'll see.
I was exhausted by the time I got home last night and still tired when I got up this morning for my ceramics class. I got to the class on time to find out that there are now around 10 people in the class only one of whom is a beginner like me. This is so disappointing. The class was listed for beginners who are novices working with clay and cost $370 for the 10 class session. I would have never signed up if I knew that the class would be filled with non-beginners. Instead of spending time helping me and the other beginner, the instructor spent almost all his time with those who already knew what they were doing. I felt ignored! I was there from 10:00 AM until 11:55 AM and barely got any attention. I had no idea what I was doing. As soon as I was able to start something on the wheel, it collapsed and I had to start all over again. I asked for help a number of times and the instructor came over, told me to do something, and left to help others. Finally, at 11:55 I told him that I was unhappy, and left. I went to the office to try and get a refund - at best they will give me a credit for classes not taken. They say they can not prevent anyone from taking any class if the time is good for them. But this class was listed as a beginners class and I am NOT happy. Before next Thursday, I will have to decide if I want to get a credit for classes not taken or whether I will try to continue with this class. I am going to look through the brochure and see what else is offered at times when I can take classes since the schedule seems to be the same from semester to semester.
Well that brings me to the present. Meeting Sharon K for dinner tonight. Haven't seen her since mid-August which is not unusual -- I hadn't seen her for years before that. As a long time divorcee, she was able to give me some very good advice last time. Let's see what else I can learn tonight.
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Goldilocks and the Meetups
I've been testing out a number of social meetup groups - everything from
"45+ singles" to "mature women friends" to "museum and cultural
touring" to "wine tasting". There's a whole world I never knew existed
and I'm trying it out. I'm not ready for one-on-one dating yet - soon, maybe, but not now.
Today I felt like Goldilocks.
My first meetup of
the day was with the 45+ Singles Club of the Clifton Jewish Center and
was in combinaton with the temple's book club. The book discussed was
the historical fiction The Midwife of Venice. I liked the book but
didn't love it. It was an easy read and a page turner, but the
characters were very one-dimensional. No one had depth and motivation
was just glossed over. This group was all women (not a problem) and
most of the people there were way too old (in terms of people with whom I want to continue having an association).
My second meetup was with a group called "Museums/Culture NYC/NJ". We went to the Museum of the City of NY. The docent tour was really good, but the museum was tiny and there was barely anything else to look at (could have to do with the construction currently going on at the museum). The group went out for drinks and a bite in a nearby restaurant after the museum. Everyone was nice but the people there were way too young (most being closer to 40 than to 60).
Too bad there wasn't a third meetup today -- perhaps the ages would have been just right!
My second meetup was with a group called "Museums/Culture NYC/NJ". We went to the Museum of the City of NY. The docent tour was really good, but the museum was tiny and there was barely anything else to look at (could have to do with the construction currently going on at the museum). The group went out for drinks and a bite in a nearby restaurant after the museum. Everyone was nice but the people there were way too young (most being closer to 40 than to 60).
Too bad there wasn't a third meetup today -- perhaps the ages would have been just right!
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Back From Class
I was away in Allentown PA at a two day cake decorating class with Kaysie Lackey at Mother of Cakes. Spent the time making "Nigel the Nightowl" but had to complete him at home because there just wasn't enough time - which is strange since class ran without a break from 10:00 AM to 7:00 PM on Thursday and 9:00 AM to lord know when on Friday (I left at 8:30 PM because I still had an hour-and-a-half to hour-and-three-quarters drive home and I was exhausted).
Nigel traveled well - some of the braiding around his eyes, his beak, and his nose fell off but I was able to re-glue those yesterday. Attached the leaves to the trees and decorated the base this morning. Voila - four cakes balanced on a limb in the form of an owl.
It was really nice being able to get away and be with other people doing something I enjoy. Only cracked up once: my fondant tore while I was covering the body. Suddenly I felt like a complete failure and I started to cry. Both Kaysie (the instructor) and Tanveer (the school owner) knew what was going on and were very nice and helpful. When I took my last class with Kaysie in December, her husband had just left her so she really knows where I am at.
Being away and spending time alone without having to take care of dogs or grandchildren allowed me to think. I can't believe how much I have been suppressing. David was awful to me our first year of marriage. I am now sure that he resented my taking away his independence when I moved into his apartment when we first got married. He had lived there alone for a year prior to our getting married -- got the apartment when he first started Medical School. He ignored me and did what he wanted when he wanted to do it. I couldn't leave because I didn't want to go home and live with my parents (which would have been my only choice) so I would up having an affair with someone I didn't particularly like but who paid attention to me. Sadly I don't even remember the person.. Looks like I've always been self-destructive when I am trying to get someone's attention. But that is not who I wanted to be, so I decided to accept David for who he is and live with it. Big mistake. Guess I was never happy and sadly neither was he.
Got to go feed the dogs and pay some attention to them. Tonight I am sitting for Sabrina so Jessica and Mike can go out to dinner. Good grandma!
It was really nice being able to get away and be with other people doing something I enjoy. Only cracked up once: my fondant tore while I was covering the body. Suddenly I felt like a complete failure and I started to cry. Both Kaysie (the instructor) and Tanveer (the school owner) knew what was going on and were very nice and helpful. When I took my last class with Kaysie in December, her husband had just left her so she really knows where I am at.
Being away and spending time alone without having to take care of dogs or grandchildren allowed me to think. I can't believe how much I have been suppressing. David was awful to me our first year of marriage. I am now sure that he resented my taking away his independence when I moved into his apartment when we first got married. He had lived there alone for a year prior to our getting married -- got the apartment when he first started Medical School. He ignored me and did what he wanted when he wanted to do it. I couldn't leave because I didn't want to go home and live with my parents (which would have been my only choice) so I would up having an affair with someone I didn't particularly like but who paid attention to me. Sadly I don't even remember the person.. Looks like I've always been self-destructive when I am trying to get someone's attention. But that is not who I wanted to be, so I decided to accept David for who he is and live with it. Big mistake. Guess I was never happy and sadly neither was he.
Got to go feed the dogs and pay some attention to them. Tonight I am sitting for Sabrina so Jessica and Mike can go out to dinner. Good grandma!
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Not Every Day
I think I have to stop forcing myself to write every day -- some things are not worth writing about and sometimes I don't really have anything to say that is relevant. Going forward I will write about my feelings and new activities in my life.
Saw David last evening before he went over to Josh's for dinner - Monday is his day to rotate dinner with one child's family or another. He stops by here on Mondays after work and before meeting up with whoever has him for the evening. Why do I cut short whatever I am doing to rush home to see him when I get upset most times that I do see him? I still don't understand what happened and can't believe that he has absolutely no feelings for me -- but his lack of caring is more and more evident each time he is here. I always end up feeling worse after each meeting. Guess part of me still expects this to go away or heal with time. But what is happening is that he is drifting farther and farther away from me into his complacency and he is perfectly comfortable (even happier) NOT being here. At this point his stop-bys have become more a function of picking up his mail than anything else. Although our conversations seem normal, I find it so insulting when he starts checking his watch to see when he can get away and be off for at least another week. Think I am going to avoid being here next week when he comes. I have a meet-up to go to and might be able to go straight from Josh's.
Sadly, I have begun to think of when we first got married and am seeing things I suppressed for so long. The year before we married, David had moved into "our" apartment for his first year of Medical School. I was completing my last year of college and still living at home. We got married as soon as I graduated at the end of that year. But instead of feeling welcome into "our" home, I always felt he resented my showing up and taking away his independence. After we got married and I moved in permanently, he preferred spending time with his new friends from medical school. I was so miserable and lonely the first year of our marriage. Why did I put my misery aside and decide to settle for someone who clearly didn't love me as much or in the manner I wanted to be loved? Why did I think this was just the way it was supposed to be? I was a 22 year old idiot who wanted to get out of my mother's house, so I built a relationship on a shaky foundation and accepted things as they were. What may be the most amazing thing of all is that a relationship that probably never should have been last for 42 years.
Saw David last evening before he went over to Josh's for dinner - Monday is his day to rotate dinner with one child's family or another. He stops by here on Mondays after work and before meeting up with whoever has him for the evening. Why do I cut short whatever I am doing to rush home to see him when I get upset most times that I do see him? I still don't understand what happened and can't believe that he has absolutely no feelings for me -- but his lack of caring is more and more evident each time he is here. I always end up feeling worse after each meeting. Guess part of me still expects this to go away or heal with time. But what is happening is that he is drifting farther and farther away from me into his complacency and he is perfectly comfortable (even happier) NOT being here. At this point his stop-bys have become more a function of picking up his mail than anything else. Although our conversations seem normal, I find it so insulting when he starts checking his watch to see when he can get away and be off for at least another week. Think I am going to avoid being here next week when he comes. I have a meet-up to go to and might be able to go straight from Josh's.
Sadly, I have begun to think of when we first got married and am seeing things I suppressed for so long. The year before we married, David had moved into "our" apartment for his first year of Medical School. I was completing my last year of college and still living at home. We got married as soon as I graduated at the end of that year. But instead of feeling welcome into "our" home, I always felt he resented my showing up and taking away his independence. After we got married and I moved in permanently, he preferred spending time with his new friends from medical school. I was so miserable and lonely the first year of our marriage. Why did I put my misery aside and decide to settle for someone who clearly didn't love me as much or in the manner I wanted to be loved? Why did I think this was just the way it was supposed to be? I was a 22 year old idiot who wanted to get out of my mother's house, so I built a relationship on a shaky foundation and accepted things as they were. What may be the most amazing thing of all is that a relationship that probably never should have been last for 42 years.
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