The Show's The Thing

Today Jessica and I went to see the Papermill show "Honeymoon in Vegas" starring Tony Danza.  This is a new play based on the movie "Honeymoon in Vegas" starring James Caan, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Nicholas Cage.  The show was cute and okay but not great.  I thought it was very old fashioned and needs a lot of work before it can go to Broadway.  Our seats okay but not great.  They were not my usual subscription seats because we exchanged our tickets because Michele was uncomfortable waiting to see the play on our regular date.  Since we usually see the last show of the series, if Scott's wife in California had her baby late and Michele had to be there for the bris, we wouldn't be able to exchange our tickets for later.

When I picked Jessica up she seemed to be in a mood (only tired she claimed) because she felt that I was asking too much to make the kids rotate checking in on me.  She felt it would be more reasonable for me to send a group text to the three of them once I am home for the evening.  Something to the effect of "I am safely home - have a good evening!".  She said that if they didn't get a text they would know that something was wrong.  This works for me, I guess -- just wish that Jessica was a little less harsh when she told me to do this.  Why does she always seem so angry with me?  Is it just my paranoia? 

Jessica says that I need to talk to my therapist about being uncomfortable at home alone and being afraid that I may fall and no one would even know about it.  Is that such a crazy fear?  She also suggested that I made want to get one of those "I've fallen and I can't get up" alerts to wear around my neck.  This I am NOT crazy about.  And lord knows what the cost of the equipment and monitoring costs.

Is This The New Normal?

Forgot to write yesterday.  Well actually it is not that I forgot to write, but that I got home late and was tired and needed to pay attention to the dogs. I decided to do everything else first and save the writing for last.  And then I forgot.

Yesterday was an interesting day.  After talking to Daniel on Friday I came to the realization that I am alone for now and probably will be for who knows how long.  The thing that scares me the most is that no one knows where I am or if I am safe.  Where am I going, with whom, did I get home without a problem, did I fall in the house, am I sick, do I need help.  I called the kids and was able to speak to Josh and Dan - I will speak to Jessica today when I pick her up to go to the play.  I told the boys my concerns.  I said that each Saturday I would send them a detailed schedule, including names, addresses, and contact information of what I plan to do for the week.  I also asked them to set up a schedule to rotate a check-in text or phone call so that they know I am alive and safe at home at the end of the day.  The boys agreed -- but no one contacted me last night.  Wonder when they are planning to start.

Yesterday evening I went to a "Foosball, Ping-Pong, and Potluck Dinner" meetup through the meetup group "Alive and Kickin'".  Everyone was asked to bring a dish to be shared or other party supplies.  I made my pasta-tuna casserole.

The party was at a private home in West Orange.  The place was TINY and there must have been around 50 people at this party.  When I drove up at 6:00 PM there were a number of dorky looking men going into the house -- unfortunately, they looked like they were in their late seventies or eighties.  I almost turned around and left.  But I was there already, braced myself, and went in.  Are meetups the haven for men who can't get dates on J-Date or Match.com?  Sure felt like that!

I met a number of lovely women with whom I spent most of my time.  Even spent some time playing ping-pong (I'm terrible).  But I didn't have a one-on-one conversation with any of the men.  Do I give off vibes that say "stay away from me"?  Must be.  One of the women said I must be really new at this because I looked like I didn't want to be there.  This is proof that I was never the actress in the family.

By 9:15 I was tired and knew that I had at least a 30 minute drive home, dogs to contend with, and the need to get up today to go to the play.   Plus, I had already spoken to the women who I could get along with and none of the men interested me or were interested in me. That guy Bob who has been sending me email through the meetup group since the meetup dinner at the Mexican Place was there - but he creeps me out and I have no interest in responding to his interest.  I made my goodbyes and left while the party was going strong. 

Although I am not ready to sign up on J-date or Match.com and try my hand at one-on-one dating, I am getting the feeling that large mixers may not be my thing.  I don't know how to mix and make small talk.  Oh well, I am signed up for a bunch of other meetups with other groups.  I'll either find my niche or have to move on.

At the moment I have to get ready to pick up Jessica so we can go to the Papermill to see "Honeymoon in Vegas".

Another Day Ends with Another Setback

Started out the day pretty well: it was my first day at the information desk at Morristown Memorial Hospital.  Don't have my computer ID yet so I shadowed another volunteer.  Phone keeps on ringing -- people checking to see if a friend or a family member is in the hospital, people trying to get the bedside phone number of a patient, people trying to contact a physician on staff, and insurance companies checking to see whether a patient is still in the hospital or has been discharged.  In addition, many people first entering the hospital come to the information desk to find out what room a patient is in and get directions on how to get to that room.  Problem is I don't yet have the information I need to give them down pat.  It will come -- eventually -- but will be able to hear the people at the desk and the people on the phone.  I sincerely hope so!

So my volunteering consists of one day walking all over the hospital and one day sitting by the front door.  I can do this!

After my shift I went home and grabbed a quick lunch before I left to get Natalie.  I wind up bringing her all the way back home because there is quite some time between when I pick her up (2:35) and when Daniel can get home for her (5:00-5:30-ish).  But things will change after I get back from my cake class.  First my days will change: to Tuesday and Wednesday from Wednesday and Friday.  On Tuesdays we will be picking up Sabrina so Natalie and Sabrina can play for a bit and for four Wednesdays in October Natalie is registered for swimming so I will at least be taking her to an activity.

Dan called when he was getting out of work and we decided to eat here since Caroline was working late.  I had half of a cornish hen left and cut it up.  Also made pasta with turkey meatballs (Trader Joe's frozen) in tomato sauce and a salad. 

Everything went fine until just before Dan was leaving and he mentioned that he has been assigned to take care of my dogs next Thursday.  I was so upset.  David promised to  come home and take care of the dogs while I was away.  But instead of taking the time to stay with and play with the dogs he has delegated their care to Daniel who can only stop by for a few minutes to feed the dogs and let them out before he has to leave and get to work or get home.  So the poor dogs will be locked in cages a whole day and night and only be let out for a couple of minutes.  David is turning into a total asshole - or maybe he always was and I never realized or wanted to admit it to myself.  These are his dogs too -- I don't get it!  Never will!  But am starting to really dislike the man!!!

Ghost

This morning I started my ceramics class at the Montclair Art Museum.  The class was supposed to be for beginners only and was supposed to cover all methods of working with clay.  However, this is not the reality of the class.  There are people in the class who have taken this before and the class will be about throwing pots on a potters wheel.  The person who was supposed to teach the class left the school and the person who is teaching the class (the head of the ceramics department) decided to teach a strictly pottery wheel class.  Amazingly this is the class I wanted to take in the first place but it wasn't given when I could go.  So I am thrilled.  

 

The instructor, Dave I think, looks like he is a fugitive from a motorcycle gang -- if I didn't know him and saw him coming I'd be inclined to cross the street.  Long gray hair pulled back into a pony tail and a graying beard.  But he turned out to be so nice and helpful.  Even told me to come in next Monday so I don't miss a lesson due to my being away next week because of the cake class.  The Monday class fits into my schedule if I only go to Weight Watchers for a weigh-in.  So I am planning to take advantage of the offer.

 

Throwing a pot on the potters wheel is very very messy!  Like playing with mud.  Think Demi Moore in Ghost.  I loved it.  I made two pots today with the help of the instructor -- but sincerely doubt I can do this by myself without the help.  And even with the help, my two pots turned out to be bowls even though I wanted to make a bowl and a cup.  Hopefully, I'll eventually get the hang of using the wheel.  The pots still have to be glazed and fired -- but I enjoyed myself.

 

Met up with Michele for lunch at the Ritz Diner.  Needed to get the tickets for Sunday's Papermill show from her.  This way Jess and I can go on our own and see Marc and Michele once we get there.  Lunch also gave us a chance to talk a bit which we haven't done for a while.  Must be quite a while already because she didn't remember seeing my haircut.

 

After I got home I went grocery shopping and made the casserole for the pot-luck dinner meetup I am going to this Saturday.  I am trying out a lot of group meetups - some Jewish, some mixed.  I am finding that I like some more than others and will continue doing things with groups that I enjoy and eventually drop out of those groups I don't care about.  Not sure that I am ready for one-on-one dating yet so I holding off signing up for J-date or Match.com.  Wish I knew what I want -- but at this point I am still addled and confused and if truth be known, a part of me still thinks this is not real.  I know it is real, but a part of me just doesn't believe it.  Guess I am living with the ghost of a marriage.

My First Day As A Volunteer

Today was my first day as a volunteer at Morristown Memorial Hospital.  I was a bit nervous so I couldn't fall asleep last night and then had to get up at 6:45 AM so that I could take care of the dogs, get dressed, and get myself out of the house by 8:15 to be sure I could get to the hospital by 9:00 AM.   It should only be a 20 minute drive without traffic, but Rt 10 is bumper to bumper in the morning so I gave myself extra time and was therefore able to make it to the hospital on time.

On Wednesdays I am a courier which means I walk around the hospital picking up stuff in one area and then bringing it to another area.  The hospital is huge -- there must be 5 or 6 separate buildings all interconnected via long corridors and hallways.  And since the hospital is built on a hill, the ground floor level in one building may be the second floor in another building or a sub-basement in a third.  Very confusing!  Other volunteers lead me around today to show me the way -- but I still felt like I needed to drop a breadcrumb trail to be able to get back to the volunteer office.

Seems like these women like to rest a lot between walks and they went down to lunch as a group around noon.  I will probably go to lunch next week (just for the company)  but had other things I wanted to get done today and wanted to leave on time so I didn't go with them.  Problem is that there was no one left but me and I wasn't comfortable going to places I didn't know how to get to.  But I amazed myself  and everyone else by going on two runs on my own -- din't get too lost and got back to the volunteer office with enough time so I could leave on time.  Yay me.

This coming Friday my computer ID may not be ready so I may not be able to do the Info desk.  Kim suggested that I may want to do courier again just for the day to familiarize myself more with the hospital.  I can't do Friday next week because I will be in Allentown PA at a cake decorating class that I signed up for months ago.  So first day at Info desk may get pushed off until October 11.

I picked up Natalie after school at 2:30.  Not sure what to do with her from 2:30 until Dan comes to get her around 5:00.  Next week I won't be getting her because of the cake decorating class.  Then for four weeks she will have swimming from 4:30 until 5:00.  After that I will have to find some activities to fill our time.

Had dinner with Josh, Lauren, Emma, and Jacob this evening.  I made chickens stuffed with rice-a-roni which I put into the oven when I got there at 5:45 - they were ready by 7:00.  We wound up eating late because Lauren didn't get home until after 7:00 and Josh didn't get home until around 7:20.  I had to leave around 8:00 so that I could get home and spend some time with the dogs.  Tonight was the last Wednesday at Josh's until the end of November.  I have to skip next week because of the cake decorating class and then have a 6 week group therapy session for newly separated and divorced women on Wednesdays.

Tomorrow is another first: my first beginners ceramics class at the Montclair Art Museum.  I need some rest!

It's Late and I'm In a Rush

Had lunch today with Debbie -- it's been a while.  She too is in total shock.   So what else is new?

My background check finally came back and I will be starting my volunteer work at Morristown Memorial Hospital tomorrow.  I can't wait!

Made Cornish Hens stuffed with Rice-a-Roni.  One hen serves two people -- so I brought two to Jessica's for dinner tonight; have three ready to go into the oven tomorrow for dinner at Josh's, and one done to share with Michele for lunch on Thursday after my ceramics class.

Picked Sabrina up at 5-ish and brought her home.  Mike and I took Sabrina to the playground at the school behind their house.  She had a ball!  Hoped that Jessica would be home on time (or working form home) but she had to work in the city today and unfortunately missed the train getting home.  So dinner was really late -- I didn't get home until almost 10.


Last, but definitely not least, my days with Natalie are changing because Caroline's work days are changing.  Starting October 8, I will be picking Natalie up on Tuesdays and Wednesdays - Caroline will take over Fridays.  That frees up my Fridays to do other things like meetups - or I may have dinner with Dan, Caroline, and Natalie on Fridays whenever one of us doesn't have something else to do.  Just when I thought I knew my schedule!

Really looking forward to starting volunteering tomorrow.

The Sun Did Come Out

Okay - I am going to have to learn to be more patient in my dealings with David and stop getting so upset when something goes wrong. 

We sat down this afternoon to talk about finances and I showed him the numbers.  He agreed to give me $4500 every two weeks which is $117,000 per year after taxes or the equivalent of $9750 per month.  Hopefully I will be able to pay the bills and be comfortable on this amount.  He said if other things come up on an emergency basis (like things for my car) or if there are other things I haven't taken into account to tell him and he would take care of it.  Hopefully this will leave him with enough to live on so that he doesn't come and tell me that he needs to cut what he is giving me.

I still don't understand why he just can't live here and move into another room.  It would save us a heck of a lot of money.  What is he getting out of being alone?

I went to Weight Watchers this morning.  My weight is up and down again -- mainly cause I am really not paying much attention to the diet.  I have to start counting points again and writing everything down.  If I don't then I should drop out and save myself the $42 monthly fee.

Saw Jacob this afternoon.  Went over from 1:30 through 3:30 -- I wanted to make sure that I had enough time with David.  Jacob and I took a walk, I pushed him on the swing, and I walked again with him in the stroller - he seemed very zonked out but I don't know if he slept at all.  When we got home we went down to play in the playroom in the basement.  It was fun, but I was very distracted today waiting for my meeting with David.

Now that things are straightened out, I am exhausted.

Annie

"The sun will come out tomorrow...".

Today I took Natalie to see Annie on Broadway.  I bought the tickets back in June before I had any idea David was going to leave.  I should have known something was odd when I bought those tickets.  In the past David was always more than willing to accompany us to any show for which I purchased tickets.  But when I asked him about Annie, he had no interest and told me to take Natalie on my own.  At the time it struck me as odd but not something to set off alarms -- so I quickly forgot about his attitude and just bought two tickets.  Guess hindsight is 20-20!

The seats were in the first row of the mezzanine and were great.  We could look directly at the stage without having to look over or around someone sitting in front of us.  I loved watching Natalie watch the show.  She was grinning ear to ear and singing some of the song right along with the actors.  Too cute! 

Despite not having resolved finances yet (that will be a matter taken up "tomorrow") I bought Natalie a CD of the show and we played it on the car ride home.

David will be here tomorrow to take the dogs to the vet and said that he would resolve the latest financial crisis.  I, however, am not sure that the sun will come out tomorrow.  I can't see how these financial matters will be resolved equitably.  Judging from all the extras we were quite capable of affording before and my not being able to pay the bills with a supposedly equal amount of money that he used to make, I'd have to say that I am not getting an equal amount of money.  He has to be socking away a goodly percentage of his money before taxes so that there is a lot less there to split 50-50.  I can't prove it, but I am sure he is cheating me -- so what else is new.

I talked to Daniel about this briefly and he said that I should calm down and wait until I speak David tomorrow.  He said that he, Josh, and Jessica would not let David get away with cheating me.  I hope this all resolves itself -- I just don't know what to do.  I haven't been able to find a job and can't make money on my own so I am totally dependent on his largess.  It is making me crazy and I hate him for refusing to come yesterday to settle this earlier rather than later.

Will the sun actually come out tomorrow?  I have serious doubts!

Old Friends

I was so upset yesterday over the money that I called David.  How could he NOT know that $3700 every two weeks is just not going to cover the bills?  Last months I paid out over $9500.  That's $2100 more than what he is giving me.  Yes, there was a big service bill for my car in July, over $2000, but aren't there things that come up every month?  He paid the bills for 40 years so he should have known exactly how much money is being spent every month and that what he is planning on giving me is not enough.  David insists he WILL work things out and give me enough money to live well and not have to worry.  He doesn't understand why I am not taking him at his word when he promises that he will not screw me financially.  He swears that he was unaware how much money he was paying out on a monthly basis.  I wanted him to come by today on his way home from Woodbridge so that we could go over the numbers and come to an agreement.  He refused saying that he is coming on Monday which will be soon enough to take care of everything.  Bottom line, I will have to worry and stew about this until I see him Monday afternoon because he can't be inconvenienced to come earlier.

I met Jean for coffee at the Short Hills Mall this morning.  We spent 2-1/2 hours talking.  I never realized that she and Bruce live in separate rooms.  Why couldn't David move into another room in this house and keep up appearances too?  Jean and I talked and cried and I had a good time.  We said we will try to meet at some point to go into the city to a museum and for lunch; I sent Jean dates but who knows when she will get back to me.

Got home to take care of the dogs and figured that my day was over; but I found a message from Helen on my cell.  She needed to check Dan's and Caroline's phone numbers (wants them to watch her dog Lance while she is away in October).  When I called her back with the information, she invited me over for dinner - she is alone because her husband is visiting family in Russia.  Helen made a wonderful salad and some turkey patties.  I had a great time talking to her and wasn't alone for the whole evening.

Tomorrow I am taking Natalie to see "Annie" on Broadway.  Bought the tickets way before this whole craziness started.  Slowly but surely I am inching my way toward Monday afternoon and a resolution to this financial thing.

Not So Sure This Is Fair

I thought that by asking David for half of his income I would be fine paying the bills.  He is making twice what he made before.  I just figured that I could live on the same amount that we both were living on before.  Not so sure any more!

David had promised to deposit money into my checking account today.  He said that he was going to text me once he made the deposits.  When I sat down this evening to pay the bills I realized that I hadn't heard from him so I sent him a text.  He got back to me that he was out all day today and planned on making a deposit of $3700 this evening.  David now makes $325,000 before bonuses and gets paid every other week.  So considering that he gets paid 26 times per year, the gross for this check should have been $12,500 - half of which is $6,250.  Considering a hefty amount getting taken out for taxes, I still thought I would be getting closer to $4700-5000.

I sat down and went though all the bills last month and outstanding credit card bills and there is no way that I can survive on $3700 every two weeks.  The house expenses alone are $3720 per month and this is in a non-winter month where I am not paying for heat. 

I thought I would be able to pay the bills and save a little without asking for more than my due (half).  But the house is half his - he will benefit from it when it is sold.  His rent is probably way low -- who told him to move out?  Why is he saddling me with a majority of the bills that I have to pay out of my half?

I called him and was very upset. He said we would talk about this on Monday.  Christ -- why do I have to worry until Monday.  I am going to make myself sick.  What should I ask for? 

Every time I think I am moving on there is always something that absolutely upsets me all over again.  Maybe I would be better off dead -- I can't start counting every penny at this point in my life.  Why is he doing this to me?

Eating Too Much

When this started I couldn't eat at all and the weight was dropping off.  Since I had been struggling at Weight Watchers, this was a welcome thing.  But suddenly I am eating out too, too much -- some days, like today, both lunch and dinner.

My friend Alyse will be coming over shortly to talk and so that we can go out for lunch.  Haven't seen her in a while -- so at least the talking part will be very welcome.  We decided to go someplace local for lunch though lord knows what is around here.  Think we will have to go into Morristown or Denville -- we'll see.  The only good thing is that Alyse is also dieting so we won't be going for pizza.

Tonight is is first meetup with a group called "Mature Women Friends".  Not thrilled that the meetup is in Spring Valley, about 45 minutes to an hour away, but I am interested in meeting a single group of women who are my age and interested in getting out for a bit.  We are meeting in a Chinese Restaurant.  Hopefully I don't overeat and I meet some nice women with whom I can spend some time.

Still haven't heard back from Morristown Hospital.  I know that background checks take a while -- but I am so antsy to get started.  What can you do?  Guess I am NOT volunteering tomorrow - unfortunately I canceled the lunch date I had originally set up with Tessy, but Mike is free for lunch and we will meet if I'm not working (again with the food!).

Nothing else to talk about or report.

Almost Missed Writing Today

This will be brief because it is really late. 

I didn't start volunteering today because the background check is obviously not yet complete.  Oh well -- but let's get a move on!  I really want to get onto a schedule.  Well this left me with a empty morning which I managed to fill with a trip to Costco.  Not a big fan of shopping at Costco on my own, but I had received a $55 rebate certificate and could only use it by shopping at the store.  Picked up a birthday gift for Lauren and some small Xmas gifts for the kids.

Magically the "Check Engine" light on the Lexus went off and I decided to cancel tomorrow's appointment.  In all honesty, I don't need to spend $250 for a smoke test when nothing is going on.  I'll reschedule if and when the light goes on again.  Tom, my builder, thinks its related to Gogel putting the spare on the car -- doesn't make sense to me, but who knows.  Anyway, I'll be able to sleep later tomorrow.

Picked up Natalie at school and brought her home.  Had to keep her with me today, bring her home, and put her to bed because Caroline was working late and Dan had to attend the Back to School Night at Natalie's school.  Somehow managed to get some stuff done before Natalie and I went over to Josh's for dinner.  Although Emma said she was going to cook, she didn't.  Instead they ordered Indian out (regular Indian is not my favorite).  Real problem is that the food didn't get to Josh's until almost 7:30 which was a bit late.  Especially since I wanted to have Natalie in bed by 8:00.

As soon as the food came we gobbled it up and I had to take Natalie home.  Lauren had just walked in but I didn't have a chance to talk to her.  Then Daniel came home as soon as Natalie was in bed and I sat down to read.  Didn't get a chance to read a sentence.  Needed to get home to the dogs.

There are days when life is a whirlwind and I have to spread myself very thin. Today was such a day!

Settling Into My Tuesday Schedule

I am now on my new Tuesday schedule:  being here for the new cleaning lady. Anna, alternates with free time to do something with or without friends, then picking up Sabrina at 4:30-5:00 on my way to Jessica's for dinner.  When Mike finds a new job and starts working again the timing of Sabrina's pick-up and dinner at Jessica's may change -- but that will be fine with me as long as Mike finds something (please lord, let it be soon).  In addition, Caroline will be dropping Natalie here today at 4:00 PM so that Daniel can go with Caroline to Morristown Hospital for her sonogram.  Natalie is such a help with Sabrina that this will be a pleasure and make life easier for me.

Was a little nervous about the new cleaning lady Anna showing up today.  She did the initial cleaning on a Wednesday so today is her first on the every other Tuesday afternoon schedule.  Because she is so new working here, I have not yet given her a key and have to be home when she cleans.  Originally Anna had said that she planned to come around 12:30-1:00 PM and spend 4 to 4-1/2 hours on the house.  This, however would cause a problem with my picking up Sabrina.  I could leave Anna here on her own for a little while, go get Sabrina and bring her back to my house, then wait for Anna to finish before I could leave again for Jessica's.   But this is a bit convoluted.   I asked Anna if she could come earlier and she promised to try but didn't guarantee that this would happen.  Well she showed up before 11:30 and is cleaning downstairs as I write this.  Thrilled!

My calendar is now booked solid with only dinner on Mondays to myself through my return from my cake decorating class on Friday October 4.  After that my calendar is almost as full for another 2 weeks.  Hopefully I am not biting off a bigger bite the I can actually chew and swallow.  I don't want to be alone so I book my time and then feel tired and a bit overbooked.  I am really going to have to find a happy balance at some point.

Haven't heard back from Morristown Hospital so I am assuming that the background check is not yet complete and I won't be working tomorrow.  Too bad.  Free time makes me desperate to fill up my calendar and in all honesty, I am beginning to feel a bit overbooked at the moment.  I even called Lexus first thing today to ask them to move my car appointment up to 8:00 AM from 9:30 AM this coming Thursday.  I need the car back by 4:00 so that I can comfortably leave the house by 5-5:15PM to get to the Mature Women's Friends Meetup.  I want to drive in my car, use my GPS, and have my car seats for this weekend.  If it weren't for the dinner meetup in Spring Valley NY, I would have taken out Natalie's car seat and let them keep the car until next Tuesday.   This way I will probably have to reschedule the fix for next week but I will have time to think about whether I want to fix this car or look into getting a new one.

Crazy Day Today

Today was a Monday and I felt that I had a million things to do.  The morning started off with my weekly Weight Watchers weigh-in and meeting.  At least I have lost back 1.2 of the 1.4 pounds I managed to gain last week.  However, I wasn't paying too much attention to the meeting because I had to get to Gogel so they could put the new tires I ordered onto my car.

Left the WW meeting early so that I could get to my 10:30 AM appointment at Gogel on time.  The man at the reception desk said that it would take 45 minutes for them to do the job.  Unfortunately, they didn't start working on the car until 11:15 and the car wasn't finished until around noon..  Luckily I had brought a good book, The Midwife of Venice, with me and the time passed quickly.

I got home with just enough time to make a few phone calls before I had to leave for my weekly visit with Jacob.  I got to Josh's house a little after 1:30.  Jacob and I took a walk, played in the basement, read books, and watched Elmo on TV.  I didn't leave until almost 4:00 so Emma had plenty of time to rest and do her own thing.  I love my little monkey -- but he is so stubborn (wonder where he got that from).  He refused to eat today which something that drives everyone crazy.

David had said he was going to stop at the house today to pick up mail and get some things done.  I had hoped to have a few minutes to discuss things, like my car problems, with him - after all we are still married and he is still paying the bills.  I got home just before 4:30, let the dogs out, and waited for him.  I knew that I had to leave by 5:30 to get to my book club on time -- but no David.  As usual, Lucy refused to come into the house when I called the dogs in for dinner.  I was on the verge of sending a text to David to ask if he could to get Lucy into the house and feed her, when I realized that he had already come and gone.  I saw an large envelope on my recycle pile of newspaper that had not been there before.  Then I found that he had scribbled "Done" on a note I had left for him on the kitchen table.  He had come by at 3:50 and left by 4:10 despite knowing my schedule with Jake - or maybe because of it.   At this point I would say he is now avoiding me altogether.  It gets better and better every week.  Why am I surprised that he is turning into more and more of an asshole as time progresses.

The Book Club meeting was really good.  Sharon, a new member of the club (actually was in the club years ago and  had to drop out) had chosen the book Orphan Train by Christine Baker for this month's selection.  I enjoyed the book and Sharon even managed to get the author to come to our book club meeting to discuss the book with us.  It was interesting to hear why she wrote it and what had changed from her original concept of what the book was going to be about as the book went through several drafts.  After the author left, I told the rest of the group who did not already know about my separation.  Turns out 5 of the 9 women in the club are separated or divorced.  I may get together with Sharon to go to the Cloisters in a couple of weeks.  Even though she is 12 years younger than me,  I think that would enjoy talking to her and getting her advice (she has been divorced for 12 years).  Lose a husband, gain some friends!

Driving Into the City Depressing Can Be Depressing

Today I had dinner with my ex-sister-in-law Phyllis, my niece Lauren and her husband Shahab, and my nephew David and his girlfriend Kelly.  Dinner was great -- getting there was a major disaster!

Every once in a while I start crying out of the clear blue.  I think I am doing well, catch a glimpse in the mirror, and burst into tears.  This goes along with screaming "Why did you do this to me?" at the top of my lungs.  These moments are occurring less often as time passes but they still occur -- and it occurred today while I was putting freshly laundered sheets and towels into the linen closet.  Sometimes doing the things David used to do that I now have to do by myself just strikes a nerve.

Since I didn't have to leave for the city until 5:00 PM, I had the time to sit down and read a bit to calm myself down before I had to start getting ready.  Reading helped but I was still a bit unnerved by the time I left at 5:00.  I had made our dinner reservation at ViceVersa on 51st St near 8th Ave for 6:00 PM and it is only a 40 minute ride according to my GPS so I figured that I had given myself plenty of time on a Sunday evening.  In just under 40 minutes after leaving my house, I emerged from the  Lincoln Tunnel and was about 1 minute from the parking garage.  I was thrilled that the drive had been so easy.

Unfortunately, the gods decided that they had made things too easy.  I usually turn left off Dyre Avenue onto 40th St after coming out of the Lincoln Tunnel and then head uptown on 10th.  However, my GPS wanted me to make a right onto 42nd St and take 8th Ave  uptown.  Since the garage I wanted to park in is on 8th Ave, I decided to follow my GPS.  Big mistake!  What the GPS and I both didn't know was that there was a street fair on 8th Ave and it was closed from 42nd to 52nd.  Traffic crawled and when I finally got to 8th I couldn't make the turn.  Finally crawled on to 6th Ave where I could make the turn an head uptown. 

Tried calling my niece Lauren to let her know what was happening and wound up calling my daughter-in-law Lauren instead.  My car doesn't let me initiate a call while I am driving.  That means that I have to initiate the phone call using my cell phone's contact list.  When the call goes through it is diverted to the car's bluetooth system.  Well trying to make that call while dodging traffic and pedestrians is tricky and I wound up calling the wrong Lauren.  So after I let my DIL know why I accidentally called her I had to try once again to get through to my niece. 

Finally got to 6th Ave and then turned onto 51st St to find that 51st was clogged.  I parked in the first garage I saw on 51st and walked/ran the three remaining blocks to the restaurant in heels. It took me 40 minutes to get from my house into the city.  It took an hour and 20 minutes to travel less then 1 mile from the tunnel exit to the restaurant.  Needless to say, there was a lot of slamming of the steering wheel and cursing out other drivers especially those from out of state who don't know how to drive in that sort of congestion and only make a bad situation worse.

Everyone was waiting for me when I finally got to the restaurant.  They had eaten some appetizers before I came but waited for me before ordering dinner. At least I had a good time once I was there -- the Cosmo certainly helped.  And Phyllis who has been divorced for almost 20 years fully understood what I am going through and was very sympathetic. 

FYI - it took 45 minutes to get home.  Yes, I could have hit traffic coming and going but I didn't.  Thank god for small things!

Breaking the Fast with New Friends

Okay -- I didn't fast but I went to another meetup group -- a singles group associated with the Clifton Jewish Center.  We met at the Park West Diner in Little Falls at 8:15 PM for a break-fast dinner.  Most of the people came after the afternoon Yom Kippur service -- I went to the diner directly. 

There was a very long table at the back of the restaurant and about 20 people showed up for the break-fast.  The seating arrangement meant that there wasn't a lot of socializing with the entire group; but I happened to luck out and wound up sitting with several nice people.  I especially liked Leigh, who sat catty-corner to me at the table.  She is a divorcee who now lives in Cliffside Park, NJ (she is from Washington state).  Leigh is a sign language interpreter and we had a great discussion about my hearing issues.  Amy who sat opposite me was also nice but I don't think we have a lot in common and don't foresee developing a lasting friendship with her.  There was also a man at the table -- said he was a former ice-cream salesman for Hagen Daz -- but I don't remember his  name or much about him.  The organizer, Martine, also seemed really nice -- but she was sitting way down at the other end of the table.  I didn't get much of a chance to talk to her. 

That was a lot of driving (half an hour in each direction) for very little spent at dinner.  But I enjoyed myself.  I am already signed up to attend other meetups run by the group and am looking forward to them and to meeting more people.

That was the good part of today; but there is also a bad part.  Michele called this morning and during the conversation she mentioned that she wants to change our Papermill tickets to 9/29 from 10/20.  She is afraid that she may be in California on 10/20 if Scott's and his wife's son arrives late.  I had to contact David to see what he wants me to do with his ticket -- replied that he has no interest in seeing this show.  I then texted Jessica and asked her if she wants to go to the show with me -- she said yes -- so I have a date.  So far no real problem.  I drove the tickets over to Michele so that she can exchange them when she exchanges hers (this way we may all be able to sit together).  That is when the trouble started. 

As soon as I turned on my car the "Check Engine" light came on.  I called Lexus and they wanted me to come right over.  Didn't get a chance to chat with Michele for even a minute cause as soon as I dropped the tickets with her I had to turn around and get my car over to Lexus before the technicians left. 

The code that came up of their computer indicates that my car has an emissions leak -- but they don't see anything leaking and decided that they have to do a more detailed check.  Since I need my car with the car seats earlier in the week, I couldn't let them keep the car.  Made an appointment for this Thursday to have them do a smoke test for $250 to try to hopefully determine what needs to be fixed.  Lord knows what the fix will cost.  So after $400 for new tires on Monday and $250 to determine what is causing the "Check Engine" light to light on Thursday, I may have to get rid of the car and get a new one because the fix may cost more than the car is worth! 

I REALLY DID NOT NEED THIS AT THE MOMENT!!!!!

Tickle Me Elmo

Got up really early this morning because I had an 8:00 AM appointment at Gogel Tire to have the tire that Tom told me was losing air checked out.  Not only is that tire shot, but my other rear tire is also on its last legs.  However, they didn't have the tires in stock -- they have to order them and I have to return on Monday to have the tires replaced.  Meanwhile, the people at Gogel thought that my tire was so bad that they replaced it with the spare which should get me through to Monday.  Good thing Tom noticed that the tire was bad - I am oblivious to that sort if thing.

Once I got home from Gogel I had a lot of time to kill until I had to leave at 2:00 PM to pick up Natalie at school by 2:35.  So I decided to work on the cake topper for Jacob's birthday.  Lauren and Josh agreed to go with Elmo popping out of a dummy cake.  Jacob LOVES Elmo!  I am doing a dummy rather than a real cake because Lauren prefers to get an ice cream cake.  This is fine because I prefer decorating to baking -- and this way we both get what we want. 

I picked up Natalie, brought her home, and allowed her to watch a DVD while I finished the topper.  If I have to say so myself,  it turned out fantastic!  I may, however, decide to replace the fondant eyes with ones made of gumpaste.  The fondant balls are wrinkling and cracking a bit.  I'll have to see if the eyes wrinkle any further.  I should have known better -- oh well!  I still love it!

Caroline got out from work a lot earlier than she originally expected so we actually were able to have dinner together.  She asked me to pick up vegetarian Indian food from Chand's Palace and sent me a list of the food she and Dan wanted.  I went online to find what I wanted for myself and found that I could order dinner online and actually get a discount for doing so.  And the food was ready at the exact time I asked them to have it ready.  Way too easy!

Dinner was good but quick and I left soon after dinner because I have been so tired this past week.  All in all -- a good day even though I didn't expect it.

How Many Frogs?

The old saying goes: "You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince!".  I want to know how many frogs I'll have to meet before I find mine.

Went to a dinner meet-up with a group called "Alive and Kickin' ".  We met at Jose Tejas Mexican Restaurant in Fairfield.  It was pouring as I drove to the restaurant -- not an auspicious start to the evening since I am not happy about driving any distance in the rain and/or dark of night.  But I got there easily enough and found the group -- 5 women were there before me and they seemed nice enough. 

Before we sat down, a group regular, Bob, showed up and decided that he had to talk to me and only me.  He seemed nice enough, but definitely not dating material -- on the schlubby side, paunchy, and old looking.  There was something very unkempt about him and he was trying way too hard to impress me.  Wanted to shake him and talk to the women but I didn't have the heart to be unkind.

Then on our way to the table another guy suddenly showed up -- Dan who looked like a short Mr Clean wannabe.  I don't know what pheromones I was sending out, but he also decided that I was the only one to talk to.  Maybe its my new haircut!

Dan wound up herding me to the end of the long rectangular table -- me at the end, Dan next to me, with Bob following and sitting himself opposite me.  I was a bit annoyed that I now was isolated from the rest of the women and could not join in their conversation -- and on top of that the restaurant was so noisy!  But not too noisy to hear Dan yell at a waiter who wasn't even the waiter for our table because Dan wanted water and it wasn't coming fast enough.  Lord!

Bob works for some scientific company in Parsippany -- but he isn't a scientist -- I couldn't hear what he actually does.  Dan was a stock broker but now wants to become an actor and is "up for a voice over" (in his own words).  Bob kept on throwing out the names of okay but none too fancy restaurants and asking me if I knew them.  Dan told me he was taking swing and hustle and Italian lessons in addition to going to acting class.  Then in the middle of dinner (none too great dinner unfortunately) Dan stood up and left the table -- I thought to use the restroom but it turns out he just got up and left to go to a dance party or take a swing lesson -- not so much as a goodbye.  Ask me how happy I was sitting at the end of the table next to an empty chair with only Bob to talk to for  the rest of the evening.

Mercifully the evening was short and I was soon able to leave.  Got home safely despite the continuing rain.  But all the swampy wetness did make me think of frogs!

Missed A Day

Can't believe that I didn't post yesterday - completely forgot to sit down and write -- I was that busy.

Went for my interview with the head of Volunteer Services at Morristown Memorial Hospital yesterday morning and I will start as of next Wednesday, September 18.  I will be doing "courier" work on Wednesday mornings from 9:00 AM to 1:00 PM and I will be working at the front reception desk on Friday mornings from 9:00 AM to 1:00 PM.    This is in addition to the Ceramics class that I will be taking on Thursday mornings from 10:00 AM to 12:30 PM at the Montclair Museum of Art.  Between these activities, Weight Watchers, and my time the kids and grandkids, I should be pretty busy for a while.

When I got home from the hospital yesterday, I had to do an online Volunteer Orientation -- sounded easy but it took quite a while.  After that I ran out to get Natalie from kindergarten at 2:30, spent the afternoon with her until Dan came to pick her up around 5:00, then went over to Josh's for dinner (I made meatloaf and pierogy with sauteed onions and brought the food with me).  Since I had been home before going to Josh's and had been able to feed the dogs before I left, I was able to stay and help with Jacob's bath.  Way too cute - he loves his bubbles.

Today I met Jill for lunch and will be going out to a Senior's Dinner meetup with another group, Alive and Kickin'.  Hopefully this is a more comfortable group of people for me to spend time with than the Professional Business group that ran the last two meetups.

Jill sometimes can be a little thick and unfeeling.  Spent the first part of lunch telling me that Harvey and Marc had dinner with David last night (I knew that) and that he explained to them that he just doesn't want to be married -- no hard feeling to me.  She also told me that David told Harvey that he doesn't have a girlfriend -- just doesn't want to be with me -- prefers wandering around Hoboken or NYC on his own.  Therefore I am free to go on and date and do whatever I want.  Is this supposed to make me feel better?  Love Jill -- but sometimes she is clueless!

Well, got to go and feed the dogs so I can get ready for my evening out!  Eating way too much!!!!

My New Schedule

When did I suddenly get so busy that I no longer have any time for myself?  This is crazy!
As of yesterday, this is my new weekday schedule
Monday            - 9:30 Weight Watchers
                         -  between 1:30 & 4:00 - Jake for a couple of hours

Tuesday           - between 12 & 4:30 - new cleaning lady every other week
                           (not this week) and so new that I'm not ready to leave her yet
                         - 4:30-ish - 5:00 pick up Sabrina
                         - dinner with Jess, Mike, and Sabrina

Wednesday      - 2:30 pick up Natalie and do something
                         - 4:30-5:00 Dan comes home or picks Natalie up at my house
                         - dinner with Josh, Lauren, and Jacob
                         - for 6 weeks starting 10/9 I will have a group session for 
                           newly divorced and separated women -- dinner with Josh,
                           Lauren, and Jacob will have to move to another day.

Thursday          - 10:00-12:30 Ceramic class  (10 weeks starting 9/26)

Friday              - 2:30 pick up Natalie and do something
                        - dinner with Dan, Caroline, and Natalie

I am also trying to set up some volunteer time at Morristown Memorial Hospital for Wednesday and/or Friday mornings.  Monday morning would work too if I change my Weight Watchers meeting to another day.  I could also do Saturday mornings -- but we'll see after the interview.  The person in charge of volunteer services at Morristown Memorial Hospital sent an email on Friday afternoon requesting an interview for tomorrow if possible.  When I responded I got an out-of-office message saying she wouldn't return until today.  I'm still waiting to find out if the interview is on for tomorrow.

This is my crazy schedule and I haven't even factored in time for lunch or dinner with friends or any social activities!

Off to see my therapist.  Have decided to see her every other or once a month going forward.  We'll see what she says -- but I am not sure that the sessions are doing a lot for me and I really don't have the time!

Monday On a New Schedule

September 9, 2013 -- the day that the year school year begins in many schools in NY and NJ.  Natalie started kindergarten  (Livingston HS class of 2026) today at Collins Elementary School -- God speed and all the best to my pint-sized princess.  Ann LoPresti started teaching at the community college where she works -- and this semester she has Monday classes.  So she gave up Mondays and she will be seeing Jake on Thursdays; I have taken over Mondays.  This ties up another day, but makes it a lot easier for me than trying to squeeze in both Natalie and Jake on Wednesdays.

This morning I went to my weekly Weight Watchers weigh-in (which I missed last week due to Labor Day) and found that I gained 1.4 pounds -- not happy.  I am once again going to have to start watching what I eat and writing everything down.  So much for the dramatic weight loss caused by the grief of separation!  But, I didn't stay for the meeting because I had a hair appointment.

My hair is now cut short and the highlighting has been intensified.  I really like it -- don't know if anyone else will, but I do!  The process, which I go through every 6 weeks, seemed to take forever today -- and I got out much later than usual (around 1:00 PM).  Because I was already in Morristown, I went straight to Jake's from Bloom's.  Of course I got there while he was napping.  Luckily I had my iPad with me and was able to read while he napped -- he didn't wake up until almost 2:30.

It was well past 4:15 when I left Jake's -- I wanted to get home because I knew David was dropping by and I want to make sure that I know what he is doing in the house.  I really don't need any more surprises.  I left him half of an apple crumb cake which I baked yesterday and told him to take half of the apples.  He managed to leave the cake on the table when he went up to print a photo of Sabrina and Ginger immediately found it and ate the whole thing.  So what did I do?  I gave him the half of a cake I was saving for myself.  Me good; him bad.  Or better on his hips than on mine!

We left here at the same time -- him to go to dinner at Dan and Caroline's; me to go to another "singles" meet-up with a speaker on dating.  The first part of the meetup was drinks and mingling -- I had a glass of wine and met a couple of women who I talked to most of that hour-and-a-half.  Should have mingled a little more -- but there were no men there who I particularly wanted to meet.  The second part of the meeting was a speaker, Jan, who talked about dating.  She walked around and introduced herself  during the first part and gave a pretty good lecture -- didn't say anything out of the ordinary but I liked her and she was funny.  She was definitely someone I could become friends with -- hope that I meet up with her again at a future meetup.

Bottom line -- there are oh so many more women looking for men than men looking for women; I could pass myself off as being in my 50s (Jan thought I was her age - 57);  I need to be more outgoing (maybe I would be if there was someone who sparked an interest in me); and I can manage a full social evening out on my own!  Good to know!

A New Apple Picking day

Last night was not good -- but this morning I woke up feeling a lot better - almost normal for a change!  Now that I've decided it is finally over I can breathe again.

Today the family met to pick apples in Chester.  Jessica, Mike, and Sabrina picked up my niece Lauren and Shahab at the train station in Morristown.  Caroline and Natalie were supposed to pick me up but were running so late that I wound up going on my own and meeting them at the apple orchard.  DIL Lauren and Emma came in one car while Josh and Jacob came in another because Josh was on call and there was the possibility that he might have had to leave early.  So the only ones who did not make it were Dan (working), David (working?), and David B & Kelly (???).  We spent almost as much time waiting for everyone to arrive as we did actually picking apples. Macs (the apple I use to make my Apple Crumb Cake) and Galas were ripe for the picking and pick we did.  I got way too many of each and despite using 16 Macs to make two Apple Crumb Cakes when I got home, I still have too many Macs and Galas left.

We picked to our hearts content, probably tasted as many as we picked,

and even juggled what we didn't eat.

Before long it was time to head out.

The cutest photo of the day is of pregnant sisters-in-law Caroline and Lauren:

Caroline was tired and not in the mood for Mexican food.  She decided to go home to rest and leave Natalie with me.  We all headed into Chester for lunch at the Mexican Restaurant there.  Not my favorite type of food and definitely not my favorite Mexican Restaurant -- but it was fun none-the-less.  After lunch I left to take Natalie home and then drive back to my house.  I baked two Apple Crumb Cakes and descaled the coffee machine - another first for me!

Supposed to have an interview with Morristown Hospital regarding volunteering later this week. I have no idea when I will have the time to do this.  Tried to set up some lunch dates with two friends and it feels like I am busy all the time.  Tomorrow is Natalie's first day of  kindergarten and I will start seeing Jake on Mondays.  Going to have to get used to this new schedule somehow!  And still will need some time for me!

Our Date - and It Is Over!

David and I set up a date weeks ago so we could go out to dinner and talk.  Much to my surprise, he didn't weasel out of it and actually made reservations at the Plukemin Inn.  And we went! 

Over drinks I told him about Daniel and Caroline's news - just wanted to make sure that he doesn't blurt anything out about Josh and Lauren's news when Daniel tells him on Monday.  After drinks we shared a beautiful price fixed dinner.  Everything was fine until we got home.  Then I managed to fall into the same pitfall I always fall into by asking him if he wanted to do this again in another 6 or 7 weeks.  Instead of getting a straight forward yes or no he said that we would talk about it on Monday.  Bullshit!  What is this Monday business.  He does not want to see me again -- but instead of just coming out and saying it he once again decided it was easier to bullshit and avoid confrontation by putting off the decision until Monday. Well that was such apparent bullshit that it caused a fight and he left.  This is so over!

Definitely time to look for someone else to date - not to marry -- I am not letting David out of his obligation to support me in the style I deserve for the rest of my life.  He wants to remain friends so we can do family things together -- but I don't want him there anymore to taint my time with my family.  He claims "family" is the kids and doesn't include me.  Bullshit!  Bullshit!  Bullshit!

I will not roll over and die!  I will not move over and let him push me out of a roll in my family!  I will not let him go on and do whatever he wants!  I want half plus of everything including half of his current earnings; I want my car; I want my house;  I want everything I worked for all these years!  Let him sit alone with his fat office manager to comfort him.  This is enough already.  If he is not capable of having dinner with me on a regular basis then we are not friends -- and I will no longer watch his back.  Actually will prefer it if he no longer shows up when I am there -- but since I will always be there, he can crawl into a hole and stay there!  Forever!!!!

We're Going to the Zoo, Zoo, Zoo

Today's was Natalie's last weekday before she starts her epic journey through the hallowed halls of education -- Monday is her first day of kindergarten.  So I wanted to make today special for her and decided to take her to the Bronx Zoo.

We got to the zoo around 12:15 and were parked and walking around the zoo by 12:30.  Our first stop was going to be the Dinosaur Safari.  When we got to it, the workers there estimated our waiting time to be 90 minutes for a 15 minute trip.  Definitely NOT worth it.  We left

Instead we saw the sea lions

and walked through the Madagascar Exhibit.

 

We enjoyed that!

We had a really mediocre and way overpriced lunch at one of the zoo's cafes.  It's amazing what they can get away with since they are the only game in town.  From there we took the shuttle to the monorail ride around the "Asian" section of the zoo.  The wait here took forever too -- 30-45 minutes; but we waited and Natalie loved it.

We took in one more exhibit near the monorail.  This one had some great monkeys

and other interesting animals.

After this we waited another eternity to get a shuttle to take us back to the lot in which i had parked my car.  Believe me, I was beyond happy when we found the car without a problem.

The drive home was through Friday afternoon rush-hour traffic -- not exactly a piece of cake.  Longer still because I wanted to go home first to feed the dogs before meeting up for dinner with Caroline and Dan.  We walked into my door at 5:30, fed the dogs quickly, and left almost immediately.  Because today is Caroline's birthday, I decided to make a stop at Sorento's Bakery to buy a fruit pie (Caroline's favorite).  Little did I know that there was some major accident on 280 which brought traffic to a standstill -- it took us almost an hour to get that pie.

Natalie and I met Dan and Caroline at Vicky and Mark Reisis's house in Livingston.  Dan and Mark were friends in high school and found each other again when Dan and Caroline moved to Livingston.  The best thing is that Vicky and Caroline get along great -- they really like it other. Dinner was take out sushi (I think Vicky and Mark ordered it; Dan and Caroline picked it up) and the birthday pie (an apple crumb pie)!

I find myself getting more and more angry with David.  He is missing more and more family things.  I know I would take him back if he decided to come back because of the family.  I hate him for what he did to me -- but I would try to work it out.  What I can't understand is his unwillingness to try to work things out with me for the same reason.  How could he have been that unhappy and hidden it so well?  Or is his "unhappiness" just an excuse to allow him to leave and start a different life now that he is making more money.  Whatever!  End result is that he is distancing himself from the family -- is there less and less -- so very sad!

Beyond Fachadert

Yesterday afternoon Dan came to pick Natalie up at Josh's.  Emma and I were sitting in Lauren's kitchen while Natalie and Jacob ran around making a lot of noise playing and eating snacks.  Dan came in and sat down at the table with me and proceeded to announce that Caroline is pregnant -- due in the first week of April.  Emma and I looked at each other and we both went into shock.  Lauren is pregnant and due the first week of April too.  Dan and Caroline don't know about Lauren and Josh's news.  Lauren and Josh don't know about Dan and Caroline's news.  The only ones who know all are me and Emma (and apparently Jessica - she seems to learn everything first) -- and we can't tell anyone about what we know!

Holy Toledo!  "Twin" cousins!  And I am suddenly being thrust from a grandma of three to a grandma of five -- could even happen on the same day!!!  I went into immediate shock - just sat and stared.  Dan said he was surprised by my reaction which I couldn't explain away.  That made me feel bad - I wanted to be all excited, but was completely in shock.  Dan waited a while for Josh to get home to wish him a happy birthday and, I assume, to tell him the news, but for the first time in weeks, Josh was delayed and didn't get home before Dan had to leave.  Now I have a secret that I can't discuss with anyone until both Josh and Dan give each other the news - yikes!

I was so drained last night that I went home early and stared at the TV.  Even though I went to bed very early, for me, I slept later this morning than I have since David left -- didn't crawl out of bed until 9:30 and would have slept even later if the alarm hadn't been set.

Today is the first day of Rosh Hashanna.  I am not going to Temple, but feel uncomfortable doing just "normal" things or chores.  Even though Jane invited me to see the Great Gatsby at her library this afternoon, I decided to stay home and laze around the house.  Still have to get into the shower  but have little planned above and beyond that.  Hopefully this coming year will be a much better year for me.  Hopefully I'll be in a much better and happier place a year from now.

New Cleaning Help

I've got a new cleaning lady who is charging a reasonable amount of money to clean the house (relatively speaking).  This morning is her first -- and she was 45 minutes late.  Not an auspicious start, but $70 saved is $70 saved.  She just arrived and I really hope she does a good job!

Natalie is downstairs in the den watching The Aristocats and I will join her in a few minutes.  This is the last Wednesday before school starts and everything will change as of Monday.

David showed up this morning 25 minutes late claiming horrendous traffic.  He gave the dogs their monthly medication and took his mail.  I had already paid the bills so that wasn't necessary.  At least he had time to fill the bird feeders and blow the leafs off of the deck.  Then he left just before 10:00 AM to get to his meeting/interview.  I'll see him on Saturday for our "date" -- so why am I really NOT looking forward to it.

Natalie and Caroline arrived a couple of minutes after David did so at least Natalie got a chance to spend a few minutes with her "grandpa".  All in all, this is so sad!  The one good thing - Sandy is now stepping up and doing more for now that I can't.  Bought Caroline a new car and Natalie a wardrobe for school.

Won't be able to go over to Jacob until Anna, the cleaning lady, finishes here -- hopefully she will do a good job and it won't take forever.  Going forward she will be coming every other Tuesday -- in the afternoon?  Guess she wanted to start here on a Wednesday due to the Labor Day Holiday -- or not.

I have dinner prepared for Josh's -- Cavatappi and Roasted Cauliflower -- all I have to do is take it.  I also want to talk to them about changing my day with Jacob from Wednesdays to Mondays.  Ann told me this past weekend that she is changing her day from Mondays to Thursdays because of her teaching schedule.  I would really like to do the Mondays so I won't have to rush from Jacob to Natalie back to Josh's for dinner.  If I am with Jacob on Monday, I can be with Natalie on Wednesday and then go over to Josh's for dinner once Dan gets home - and I won't feel half the pressure.

Off to see the remainder of The Aristocats.

My Owl on a Stick

Yesterday when I got to Jane and Joe's, Joe showed me their Owl on a Stick.  It is a plastic owl that is mounted on a stick and it has head that moves with the wind.  The owl is meant to scare away birds like woodpeckers that do damage to your house.  Both me and the Bombelis have had holes drilled into our stucco and siding by crazy woodpeckers.  Joe said that his problem went away once he put the "owl" into his yard.  So I went over to Home Depot today and bought my own Owl on a Stick.  Tom, my builder, said he will bring a 10-foot pole (don't even go there with the jokes) and mount the owl near the fence and near the spot where the woodpecker has drilled holes into the siding.  Until then we have mounted the owl on a broom stick which Tom laced through the fence.  Hope this solves the problem.

Also purchased a medium-sized material purse made by Baggallini.  Jane was carrying one yesterday and I really like it.  I am tired of schlepping around my huge bag.  The new purse has a clip so that you can attach your keys (and find them when you need them) and a material wallet also clipped into the purse.  There are slots for credit cards and a ton of zipped pockets with room for my phone, etc..  The strap is long enough so I can carry it as a should bag or drape it around my neck if needed.  Only problem is that the only bag in the store was red and I preferred black -- but I bought it any way.  Can always get another online if I like it and still want a black bag.

Will try to feed the dogs in a few minutes (hope Lucy comes in) so I can leave by 5:00 to pick up Sabrina.  Haven't seen her in a week and I really miss her.  If Lucy doesn't come in she is going to have to spend the evening outside.  I have really had it with her.  I plan on spending the evening with Jessica, Mike , and Sabrina and not thinking about crazy dog Lucy!

David sent another text this morning that he has a meeting to interview a doctor at 11:00 tomorrow.  Now he wants to come at 9:00 so he can blow me off and rush out of the house to his meeting.  I wasn't going to let him get the last word so I told him to come at 8:30 because the new cleaning people will be coming at 9:30 and I want to pay attention to them once they arrive instead of having to deal with David.  The only thing that bothers me is that Natalie will be really sad that her "grandpa" is leaving so soon or will have left before she even gets here.  Like I said yesterday -- he is making the bed he will have to sleep in -- his problem.

Made It

Made it through this long holiday weekend with a lot of help from my friends.  Thank you Ann & John, Daniel, Marc & Michele, and Jane & Joe.  Don't know what I would have done without all of you babysitting for and taking care of me.  I truly love you all.

Luckily Lucy gave in and came back to the house without giving me too much of a problem this morning because it drizzle-rained most of the day and I would have been very uncomfortable if she had spent the day outside.  This allowed me to spend today with Jane and Joe.  Drove up to their house this morning and we took the train to Hoboken then the Path into the city.  We wandered around lower Fifth Avenue near NYU to see an art fair -- unfortunately not many booths were open due to the weather.  The art was nothing great but it was fun to look at anyway.  We stopped for drinks at a Vietnamese Bar on Fifth then wandered back into the village for a meal.  After eating we went over to Rocco's for coffee and pastry.  Didn't seem like we did much, but it was really late (almost 7:30) by the time we got back to Jane and Joe's in Mahwah.  I left without even going into the house because I still had a 45 minute drive home and had to take care of the dogs.

Rushed into the house after putting out the trash to find out the Ginger had thrown up.  So I had to let the monsters out and cleaned both the laundry room floor and Ginger's cage before I could think about feeding the monsters.  Luckily they both came right back when called.

Also had to make the Pasta and Tuna casserole for tomorrow's dinner at Jess & Mike's and the Pasta and Roasted Cauliflower casserole for Wednesday's dinner at Josh and Lauren's.  I won't have time to get this done tomorrow or Wednesday.  Cooked from about 8:45 PM to about 10:30 PM and voila!  - two meals ready to go.  All it takes is a little organization and planning.

As I am writing it is thundering and lightening outside.  I had hoped that it would rain earlier and ruin his weekend -- now it is too late!  Hopefully this will end soon or Tom will have an excuse not to show up tomorrow to work on the front path.

Hadn't heard from  David since he left Josh's house last Wednesday.  Got a text from him when I was returning to Mahwah on the train.  Said he would come Wednesday morning to help with the bills (ha! I already paid them) and give the dogs their monthly medication.  He'll probably see Natalie but most likely has to leave before we go to see Jacob.  C'est la vie!  He is making his bed by decreasing time spent with his grandchildren -- and he will have to sleep in that bed going forward.  His problem not mine!  He also texted that he made reservation for us to go to the Plukemin Inn for dinner next Saturday -- we'll have to see about that.  I'll see what he is like on Wednesday.

But most important of all - I made it through this weekend!

I'm Broken

While getting myself ready to meet up with Jane and Joe, the last of my Labor Day weekend babysitters, I look into the mirror and smile at myself -- but although my lips curve into a smile, my eyes aren't smiling back at me.  They are hollow and dead and filled with sadness.  Will they ever really gleam again?  I don't know!  For the first time since he left nearly two months ago, I realize that I am truly broken and I am not sure that I can ever be fixed again.

I go through the motions every day but I no longer feel anything.  I don't even hate him at the moment - I just feel empty and drained.  Do I want to move forward?  Do I even want to go on?  I don't know if I can continue -- and that really scares me.

I love my children and my grandchildren.  I truly want to see the new one that is on the way.  But is this enough?  I'm no longer sure.

Last night I told Ann about David and I having a "date" night coming up next Saturday.  She thinks I am crazy.  Truth is, I think I am crazy too.  Why am I doing this to myself?  It was one thing when I thought that he might come back; but at this point I highly doubt that.  So am I setting myself up for an evening of pain and torture?  Why am I setting myself up for an evening of pain and torture?  But if I cancel am I closing that door, locking it, and throwing away the key?  Do I want this to be over once and for all?

I wish I could answer some of my own questions.  And amazingly, writing this is NOT making me cry.  Am I too broken to even cry now?

"Hope Springs" Hysteria

I am just about seven eights of the way through with today's laundry (four loads have been washed and three have been dried, folded, and put away).  All was well until I decided to watch what I thought was a comedy on OnDemand.  It was not a comedy and now I've gotten upset all over again.

"Hope Springs" stars Meryl Streep as Kay and Tommy Lee Jones as Arnold, a couple who have been married for 32 years and are now in a marriage that has gone south.  They live in the same house, have separate bedrooms, and don't communicate at all.  Kay wants to put her marriage back on track and reads a book by a marriage counselor played by Steve Carrel.  The next thing, she and her husband are flying to Maine to do a week of very expensive intensive therapy with this counselor.

Kay and Arnold try the things he suggests but it is not working.  At the end of the week, Arnold still can't have normal relations with the Kay -- nothing works because he finds her unattractive.  They go home essentially feeling that their marriage is over.  Kay even tells the women she is working with that she will take care of the woman's cat and stay over her house while the woman is away on her own vacation starting the next day.

Kay goes home, packs, and goes to bed in her separate bedroom very sad with the knowledge that her marriage is over.  Arnold is very sad in his own room.  Then voila - he knocks on her door, they have great makeup sex, and all is well with the world.  In the last scene of the movie, Steve Carrel is officiating at their vow renewal.  That's when I lost it. Why does it always work out in the movies but not in my life.  Why did he leave me?  Why won't he come back and give me the chance I deserve to make things right? Why?

At least I've stopped crying in order to be able to write this.  Maybe I should get into the shower now before I start crying again.

On Friendship, Dogs, and Laundry

Sunday again!  Happy September 1st.  Can not believe that it has been 8 weeks since the rug was so abruptly pulled out from under me -- and I am still here to tell and complain about it.  I must really be stronger than I think I am.

Yesterday I had the usual stand-off with my dog Lucy who has been refusing to return to the house when I call her in.  It is getting so frustrating!  She comes when SHE wants to come and run to every corner of my treed and wooded yard to elude me when I go out to try to get her to come in.  Had to get in my car and drive around the block yesterday afternoon so that she would think she was being locked out in order to get her to come back -- and this was so I could feed her!  I know that I should just leave her, but I hate having her out alone in the dark or in inclement weather.

Once I had Lucy safely back, fed, and put into her crate, I was able to leave and meet up with Michele and Marc for dinner.  Michele called Friday night and asked if she and Marc could take me out -- well, yes!  We went to D'Oro, a lovely Italian restaurant in Chatham that David found years ago.  David and I haven't been back in a long time, but Marc and Michele go regularly.  Ironically, the last time David and I were there we were with Gerry and Alyse.  At the last minute Alyse's sister, whose husband had just walked out on her, joined us.

At dinner Michele told me that they had rented the movie Cloud Atlas and asked me to come back to their house to watch it with them.  I actually was excited to do so.  I read Cloud Atlas for my book club and have wanted to see the movie since.  The book club watched the movie at Gabriella's house in June during one of the non-book months but I couldn't get there because of a traffic tie-up on 287.  Glad that I had the chance to see the movie now.  Also glad that I read the book before seeing the movie.  There is no way that I would have understood the convoluted stories that were interwoven without having read the book.  I think that Marc and Michele were at a loss, but I enjoyed it.  In the book each story is told half way through in a chronological progression until the innermost (and most future) tale is told in full.  After that, the second halves are resolved in reverse (I think) chronological order.  The book was confusing enough, but the movie was more confusing because the movie kept on jumping back and forth from one story to the other.

It was already 10:45 PM once the movie ended and I had to get home to let the dogs out just one more time before bed.  And because I wanted to sleep in as late as possible (actually made it to 8:00 AM this morning) I crated the dogs in the laundry room last night.  Maybe this is why Lucy won't come in again this morning -- pissed because I didn't bring her up to my room last night.  Ginger on the other hand doesn't keep grudges when it comes to her being fed -- she ate almost two hours ago.

Sunday is the day I do sheets and towels.  Today I decided to also do bath mats and my blankets.  I like my things clean and tidy.  Once I get all the laundry done, I can take a shower and then text Ann to find out when she and John want me to come over today. 

Without my friends I would not have been able to get through this weekend.  Because of my friends I am doing really well.  Maybe a little too well. I am probably over eating.

FYI: the rain dance may have worked.  It is supposed to storm here and in LBI starting at noon today and continuing through tomorrow night.  Only negative is that this may very well screw up my outing with Jane and Joe tomorrow.  Oh well!