There's Nothing Like Alone for the Holidays

The last guy I met on POF (the one who decided that pizza dinner at his house after a 45 minute conversation was appropriate) never called or wrote back.  I have messaged other men on POF but they have either not contacted me or briefly written back only to have the conversation fizzle before I even met them.  One guy wrote to me after a month of silence -- said he wished me as happy a holiday as I could have given my situation.  I wrote back wishing him a happy holiday too and asking if he wanted to meet for a drink.  No response - guess I'll have to wait another month.

I am so sick and tired of the men on POF -- I am really not finding anyone new and interesting.  And since I really don't like being alone for the holidays, I am almost tempted to write back to pizza guy and ask for a do over!  Man I must be desperate!

I decided to sign up for Match.com right after the New Year.  I've been advised that the men on paid sites take things much more seriously than the men on free sites.  I wrote up a brand new profile and had my friend Alyse (a semi-pro photographer) take photos of me yesterday (some even came out okay).  Guess I should sign up today, but I am so nervous about being rejected or getting no responses.  I'm psyching myself to sign up January 1, 2014.  Six months for ~$100 is not terrible - I guess.


Now here is a new issue.  When David first left, my friends were uber-supportive: called and emailed constantly; dropped things to have lunch and dinner with me; called him an asshole even when I was still defending him.  But when it came to introducing me to men, Jill and Michele (my best friends) said they knew no one and that I would have to make new friends who were in my position.  Well, friends are calling and emailing less often (can understand this); lunches and dinner are occurring less frequently (sort of get this); and calling him names has lessened. 

I know that Harvey (of Jill and Harvey) and Marc (of Michele and Marc) have met David for dinner on several Wednesday nights -- this doesn't bother me except that my friends seem to be hiding this rather than letting me know (may be I can condone this).  When I asked Michele to do lunch on Christmas Eve day (knew she wasn't working) she told me that it wasn't a good time because Marc was home.  Not to join her and Marc for lunch - just can't do it cause Marc is around.  Then yesterday night, I sign onto Facebook and see on my news-feed that Jill and David are now "friends".  Are you kidding me?!?!  I know Jill uses David as a doctor but they were never friends -- he never called her and they never did anything together if I wasn't involved and hadn't planned it.  Jill was my friend and he was "husband-of-friend".  I am so pissed. 

I messaged Jill saying, "He dumps me for his whore troll nurse; lies about it to everyone; and still doesn't want his office staff to know we are separated, let alone that he is seeing her.  And you become his Facebook buddy?  Seriously?". 

She wrote back this morning "Connie seriously believe it.  He's my doctor and I wanted to know what was happening just in case I need to change.  This is not about his love life ...Really".

I wrote back "I fully understand that you have a professional relationship - but he is not using Facebook professionally.  I can even understand Harvey having more than a professional relationship with him.  Do whatever you feel comfortable doing."  And she answers "Thanks".  Does she think I am saying go ahead and be his friend, I don't mind.  She's as crazy as he always said she was. 

I'm not sure that I am talking to Jill any more.  She's the one who told me to rent a movie when I was upset that I would be sitting home alone for New Year's Eve.  When I told my not so close friend Alyse that Jill told me to rent a movie, Alyse insisted that I join her and her husband for New Year's eve no matter what they are doing so I won't be alone.  It is becoming more and more obvious that I have chosen very sucky people to be closest to me over the years.

I Am Starting to Hate Men

Argh!  I hate men!!!

The guy who I was supposed to meet for drinks last Friday (the one who canceled saying that there was a family illness) emailed me back on Sunday morning saying that things had resolved and asking if I was still interested in meeting him.  I was at a Divorce Support Meetup in Metuchen when I got the email so I wrote back that I would be home later that day and could meet him that evening.

We met at Thatcher McGhee’s in Denville at 4:00 and had a great conversation over drinks despite it being an extremely noisy sports bar.  He then asked me to have dinner with him and I agreed – but then he said he had to go home and feed his puppy.  Asked if I would follow him and wait in my car for him to take care of the dog so we could proceed to dinner – again I agreed.  Everything was fine until he finished taking care of his dog.  By then the weather had changed and he decided it would be better if he ordered in pizza and we ate at his house.  Whoa -- not exactly my idea of a great meal; nor did I want to spend the evening at his house after just meeting him.  Said I would rather return to Denville (which is halfway between us) and eat in any restaurant – at least I’d be closer to home and have less driving in the worsening weather.  He kept on pressuring me to come in at get cozy, but I really wasn’t comfortable.  He then hugged me and I started wondering if I was going to have to knee him to make him let go.  Finally pushed him away and told him I had just met him and don’t do this after an hour.   He thought about it for a second and said that it might be best if we did dinner another time because he was getting concerned about my driving home alone on icy roads.  He even asked me to text him when I got home, which I did.  He responded telling me to sleep well.

Not a terrible start despite a little bit of pressure.  I expected to hear from him the next day so we could reschedule, but not a word.  Nor did I hear from him on Tuesday.  Told my daughter the story and told her that although I really enjoyed the conversation while we were at the bar, I really didn’t like the pressure and now didn’t think he was going to call back.  She told me I was being too paranoid and pessimistic and also said that I should have stayed and had pizza with him if I liked him.

So I thought about it.  Am I too old fashioned?  Late this afternoon wrote him a casual email saying that I have been out of the dating scene for a long time and didn’t know what to expect and I asked him if he wanted to meet again.  So what does this ASSHOLE do?  He writes back that I am not emotional available and that newly separated people often get into rebound relationships.  He says that he is looking for long term – and I am obviously not ready which was made evident to him because I attended a divorce support group.  Then to top things off, he tells me that I could either plead my case to him so as to change his mind or we could be friends with benefits. 

SERIOUSLY?  I was so pissed that I sent him an email telling him off.  Told him that

1. I was not going to plead my case to him and that he had no idea what a divorce support group was.
2. he has been divorced for 10 years and was only married for about 10 -15 years.  I was married for 42 years.  What gave him the right to lecture me about lasting and long term?  And why hadn’t he already found a perfect relationship after 10 years?
3. even if I had already been divorced 10 years, I wouldn’t have jumped into bed with him after meeting him for less than 1 hour and not even knowing his last name  – that is not me
4. I had enough friends and didn’t need or want his friendship.

Please tell me that it gets better than this!!!!!

Up & down & all around

The past few weeks have been quite the ride.  I met a new man for drinks tonight -- the weather turned ugly so we let it go with only drinks.  I think he is interested -- kept on telling me that I was beautiful (??) and wonderful and that David must be crazy to have left.  But I'm not sure if he was saying that to try to get me into bed or if he is interested.  We'll have to see if he calls back and asks for a second date.

Getting to actually meet on this "first" date was hard enough.  Met Marc online just before Thanksgiving.  He's a MD-PhD with an MBA -  a lot of degrees there so he can't be stupid.  He had his family over; I had Thanksgiving at Ann & John's, dinner with my brother & nephew,  and Chanukah here last Sunday - so last weekend was out.  Then on Monday Marc asked me out for this Friday.  We emailed back and forth a lot and he even called Monday night to make sure I had the information correct.  Didn't hear from him on Tuesday then got email on Wednesday that he had to cancel and that he couldn't reschedule due to an "illness in the family".  Everyone including me thought that this was a blow off if there ever was one.

Then today while I was at a Divorce Support group in Metuchen, I got an email from Marc asking if I wanted to meet today?  Why not -- I wasn't doing anything and he seemed like a good prospect.

Met at Thatcher McGhee's in Denville for drinks and had a nice conversation despite the place being VERY noisy.  He is okay looking -- definitely not an Adonis; shorter than he claims online (he said 5'6"; I think closer to 5'4"); claims to have an athletic body (not sure which sport he is thinking of -- definitely not athletic); he is smart (Cornell graduate and then there are all those advanced degrees); and he is easy to talk to.  I would see him again -- but will have to see if he calls back and asks me out again.

So it starts!

The Troll

I haven't been writing lately because I've made myself too busy -- sort of a "shop till you drop mentality" only I'm not shopping -- just getting out of the house.  If I keep myself busy I don't think; if I make myself tired I  fall asleep soon after I get home.  Everything is fine until the shit hits the fan -- again and again and again.

This past weekend I had a lovely Saturday touring the Apollo Theater on 125th St in NYC with the Museums and Cultural Events meetup group.  I really like this group because it is NOT specifically a singles group.  Some members are single; some are married but have spouses who don't enjoy doing this sort of thing; and some could even be couples -- whatever!  My friend Jane joined the group too even though she is married to Joe.  But Joe works on Saturdays and prefers not spending his free time visiting museums.  So Jane joined me on the Apollo tour.  After the tour the group went to a  soul-food restaurant on 116.  The food was okay but really plentiful -- I had enough to bring home for supper.

On Sunday I went to the home of a woman, Leigh, who I met at the Clifton Jewish Center singles group.  She is a lovely person, a sign language interpreter by trade.  A friend of hers, Wendy, was there too -- also divorced but I don't know if she belongs to any of the meetups.  We were supposed to eat dinner and watch a DVD but Leigh had trouble turning on the DVD player so we wound up talking.  I told them my story, and they told me I was a fool for thinking that David didn't leave me for someone else.  "No man just up and leaves unless he has something waiting for him".  And that's what started all the trouble.

Enough people -- well almost everyone -- has said the  same thing and it has really started to bother me big time.  Some when David was here on Monday, I asked him outright.  Smack!  Slam!  He is seeing his head nurse.  Claims that they only started seeing each other after we split -- but I no longer believe a word he tells me.  Two weeks before that he swore he wasn't seeing anyone yet -- but would look into it in the future.  Now he hasn't just started seeing her.  He is seeing her exclusively.  Believe what you want.

The worst part is that she looks like a troll - not bitterness speaking; she really looks like a troll.  Short (way shorter than me and I'm barely 5'2"), stocky, about my age (maybe 5 years younger at best), not at all good looking, loud, obnoxious, and blond hair down to her knees.  A true troll.  Good lord, he left me for a TROLL!  Is he out of his mind?

This woman was my "best friend" at the past few office Xmas parties; she stayed at my side at the three office weddings we were invited to; and constantly asked me to share cake recipes with her.  What a bitch.  I hope she bakes him one of those cakes and they both choke on it.

So the past couple of days have been a real BIG set back.  I am disappointed at the people I am meeting through meetups.  I only met one guy through POF.com and was not at all happy with him.  No one else seems to have any interest.  Not sure I want to join the paid sites like J-date or Match.com yet -- will I get any better results?  Should I lie about my age to attract men who actually are my age (I could easily shave off 5 to 8 years) -- but what will happen if I met someone I actually like and have to tell him the truth?  How else does one go about meeting someone?  The people in the Volunteer office at the hospital are all 110 years old and mostly women anyway.  I have no interaction whatsoever with any doctors.  The ceramics class is a bust -- not at all happy with it.  My friends know no one to introduce me to.  So right now I am in a funk.  Where do I go from here?  What do I do with the rest of my life.  And why is HE dating a TROLL?

Why is it Getting Harder to Find Time to Write?

Why is it getting harder and harder to write this blog?  Maybe because I really have nothing new to say. 

Dating is turning into a royal pain in the butt.  I've been contacting (with a message or a wink) mainly Jewish men who are between 60 and 72 and have a graduate degree.  It really helps if their interests coincide with mine.  Only a few have responded.  Most communications fizzle after one or two back and forths.  A few who are interested (and somewhat interesting) write for a bit and then say that we live too far apart.  The man I met for lunch last week wrote back -- but he is older than I want (in reality, though not in the age he lists on the site) and we have nothing in common -- so I told him that I didn't want to pursue our "relationship".  And, the ones who are contacting me seem like such losers: high school educated, live somewhere not at all near me, and share absolutely no common interests -- so why are they contacting me in the first place.

Cyndee, a woman I met at one of the meetups and then had dinner with a couple of weeks back, says I should invest in one of the pay dating sites because the quality of men is better.  I just don't know if I am ready yet.  This is depressing -- especially since I am not thrilled with the group meetups either.  I am not and have never been a person who walks into a room full of strangers and is able to network.  I hate cocktail parties -- absolutely want to fade into the wallpaper when I am at one.  And now the lack of this socialization skill is coming back to haunt me.

Maybe I should say chuck it and sign up for J-date or Match.com.  But I don't feel ready.  Why pay to be on a site if I am not going make an attempt.  I don't know!

Help me, help me, help me!

My First "First Date" in Half a Century

Well, today I've accomplished what I wanted to accomplish -- now I can check off that I've been on my first date since 1967. 

I've been writing to someone from the "pof.com" (plenty of fish) match website and met up with him today for lunch.  It was pleasant enough: I didn't cry,  I could talk to a complete stranger for over an hour, and I actually manage to eat my food without gagging.  All good!   However,  I felt that we had little to nothing in common and he looked much older than the photo he posted of himself on the web.  What is with that?  Did he think I wouldn't notice?  I hear that is done a lot.  Does it get someone more first dates to lie?  Why would anyone want a second date after meeting someone much older than advertised on the first date?

I don't feel the need or the desire to see him again, for sure.  Didn't even want to give him my phone number or real contact information.  He asked me to meet him for dinner and a movie later in the week -- I had to tell him no which made me feel bad -- but what's the point?  Chalk this one up to gaining experience.

Now that my first-first date is behind me, I can move on and hopefully eventually meet someone I am interested in seeing a second time.

Also went to a meet-up this past Thursday with a group called Professional Jewish Singles which is run by Sharon from my book club.  Sharon swore that her group was different and that I would meet a better class of people.  The meetup  was a bust.  I thought we were going out for dinner -- but it really was just "happy hour" at this nice restaurant in Fairfield. What the heck?  I'm not a big drinker so it didn't do a lot for me.  I would have preferred sitting down to dinner with the group, but most people left after one drink.  Some of the women seemed nice -- but the same creepy men (including one who has been at almost every meetup I've gone to and greets me every time as if he were my best friend -- seeing him makes me want to run and take another shower).  I'm signed up for another meetup with this group but am not sure I will go.  Just don't want to have to explain to Sharon why I am canceling.

So meetups don't seem to work and I'm not thrill with what I am seeing on the free match-up sites.  Will I have to start paying -- first want to find out if anyone has actually met someone nice on one of those sites.  Can't throw out my money on nonsense.

They say you have to kiss a lot of frogs -- I'm not even at a kissing stage yet - just want to meet a nice frog I want to kiss.

Stranded at the Drive-in

Got up yesterday and got myself ready for my first date in 46+ years.  Chose an outfit and carefully applied my make-up.  Timed it so that I would get to the restaurant and parked before the designated meeting time, noon.  Sat in my car so as not to be early.   Braced myself and went in.  But no Jimbo8808!

Figured maybe I was early so I walked up and down the block always keeping the entrance to the Morristown Deli in sight.  No one who looked likeJimbo8808's online photo. Went back into the restaurant and asked if any man had arrived saying he was waiting for a date.  Nope!

I was told that there was a guy with a small dog sitting alone on the back patio -- but no one asking about a date.  By 12:30  I sat down and ordered lunch -- maybe I was mistaken and we were supposed to meet after 12:30 rather than at noon.  I could only contact Jimbo8808 through pof.com and my computer was at home.  I sat the whole time keeping an eye on the entry.  My lunch finally arrived but Jimbo8808 didn't so I ate my sandwich still staring at the door.  By 12:50 I had had it.  Asked for the check, paid my bill. and went home.

Once I got home I sent Jimbo8808 an email saying he had to be kidding me.  How could he not show up without canceling.  Suddenly there was a slew of emails from Jimbo8808 -- where was I?; he was so sorry; ran into his friend sitting out back with the dog and decided to wait with him;  and could I come back and have a late lunch or dinner with him?  How stupid can a person be?  He sat in back with his friend for an hour and never thought to check inside the restaurant where we were supposed to meet.  I am not impressed.  However, since he knew about the man with the dog, I am assuming he was telling the truth.  I, on the other hand,  am looking to get my first date out of the way and there aren't too many semi-decent prospects who are responding to my emails -- so I agreed to meet Jimbo8808 next Saturday for lunch at PaneVino in Livingston.  If he doesn't show up again, I will at least like the food.  And if he doesn't show up again, I am going to block him from communicating with me ever again.  Bad enough that I am putting up with my AH husband -- I certainly don't want to deal with an AH first date.

At least I had a nice dinner.  Met up with Cyndee who I met at two previously meetups.  We ate at Tabor Road Tavern -- food was fine but the place is way too noisy for me.   Cyndee and I spent the evening commiserating and swapping AH husband stories.

The this morning when I went to get the paper, I managed to lock myself out of the house.  I think Tom's (my contractor) wife managed to turn the lever on the handle of the door from the garage into the basement  causing the door to lock when it was shut.  The back door to the laundry room and the front door to the house were locked too.  No way in and there I was in my nightgown and a thin robe with no underwear.  Luckily I had my phone with me and was able to call Jess who sent Mike over with the key.  Unfortunately, it took Mike around 30 minutes to arrive (also in PJs -- we could have had a pajama party!) and I was freezing!

By that time I didn't have enough time to shower, get dressed, and travel to the meetup at a crafts fair for which I had signed up.  I canceled and instead went to have another house key made which I put under the mat next to the door leading from the garage into the basement.  If this ever happens again, I will at least have a hidden key that I can use.  Realized how lucky I was to have my cell phone with me.  Had I not had it I would have had to go to a neighbor (none of whom I know) and asked to use their phone.  Only problem is that I don't know anyone's phone number by heart.  I would have been screwed.   Better to have a hidden key.

Got a First Date, Oh My

On Saturday Cyndee told me about POF.com (Plenty of Fish) which is a free online dating site -- well there is some sort of advanced membership you can pay for but this is one of the few sites that let's you contact and email other members without paying a fee.  So I signed up on Sunday and started emailing some prospects and getting emails back from some and getting unsolicited emails from others.

A 67 year old Jewish guy from West Orange sent me an email asking me where Greystone Park is.  My zip code, 07950, which is for the Morris Plains section of Parsippany, comes through as Greystone Park.  I sent back an email saying this and he responded by asking me to meet him at the Morristown Deli this Saturday at noon.

Even if the date turns out horribly and/or leads to nothing, right now someone expressed an interest in me and that makes me feel great.  Someone finds me attractive and wants to meet me.  After these months of rejection, this is wonderful!

I'm So Tired

Why am I so tired all the time now?  Am I feeling low because I am drained and tired or am I drained and tired because I am feeling low?  Problem when I am feeling down is that I want David to come back, to apologize, to beg forgiveness, and to ask to be taken back.  I want to understand why he has done this to me and what he is getting out of it.  Not going to happen!  I fully understand -- but still -- it is what I want -- especially when I am feeling down.

On the advice of my new acquaintance Cyndee I joined POF.com.  POF stands for "plenty of fish".  It is a free dating service that allows you to send email to other singles without paying for membership.  Of course, because this site is single it attracts all sorts who don't want to pay, and those like me who are just getting our toes wet.  Cyndee said that this is practice before joining J-date or Match.com.  So I have sent out a number of email; gotten some responses, and having a pretty non descript back and forth about museums with someone in Morristown who contacted me first.  Let's see if he asks me out for coffee or drinks or just wants to continue emailing -- eventually I'll get bored. 

Nice to have someone show the tiniest bit of an interest; but don't like negative email.  Got an email response from someone yesterday asking me if I had decided to change both outside and inside in July.  He saw a photo from July of me with dark hair and a photo from August of me with much shorter and streaked hair.  And since I said I was recently separated, this guy assumed that I dumped David after 42 years (inside change) and got my hair done (outside change).  Said that he assumed that if one was married for 42 years then the marriage would last forever.  I wrote back that I had made the same assumption and that I was not the one doing the dumping.  I asked him what his story was, but haven't heard back -- it's okay if I never do hear back.  A bit more judgmental than I want at the moment.

Wednesdays are turning into my craziest day of the week.  Get up and take care of dogs; volunteer courier at Morristown Memorial from 9-1; go home and take care of dogs; get Natalie at school around 2:35 or 3:45 (depending if she has an after school activity); take Natalie to swimming from 4:30-5:00; meet Dan somewhere for dinner; and then NCJW's Group Peer Therapy about Women Coping with Divorce and Separation from 7:30-9:00.  Any wonder that I am tired?

Strange Weekend

This has been a very strange and different weekend.

Friday night I had no plans so I was able to mold the chocolate chess pieces for Natalie's birthday cake.  It really took all evening -- I only have one mold for the chess pieces which all have to be done twice to make both halves of the piece which is then glued together with more chocolate.  In addition, the mold only has space for 4 pawn halves and there are 8 pawns on each side -- so the pawns required additional molding time even when all the other pieces were done.  I was totally engrossed and distracted and at one point looked at the clock, realized it was late, and wondered when David was getting home.  Quickly realized he wasn't.  Why do these strange thoughts pop up when I  am not thinking?

Yesterday, Saturday, was Jacob's second birthday party.  He had turned two last Wednesday.  The strange part about the day was that David and a lot of his family were there and this is the first time I have seen them (the family, not David) since he left.  His sister Susan, brother-in-law Joe, brother Peter, sister-in-law Elaine, brother Richard, Richard's girlfriend Verna, Susan's son Joey, his wife Rosanne, Joey's Jacob and Matt were all very nice to me -- came over to say hello and ask how I was doing -- although no one has contacted me up to now (guess 46 years means very little).  Peter's daughters Sonya and Diane did not come; Jackie said hi but little else; Carolyn ignored me until the last minute - actually walked past me several time and looked the other way.  Holy shit bitch!  He left me -- not the other way around!

At the party Daniel mentioned that since Caroline and Natalie are away he was planning to go to the movies by himself at around 8 or 9 after the party to see the new Sandra Bullock and George Clooney movie "Gravity".  It sounded like an interesting movie  and I had no plans so I asked if I could join him.  And I did.  So for a complete non-movie person I am now inviting myself along to go to movies with my children.

Today was the long awaited Meet and Greet at Agudath Israel in Caldwell.  Man was I disappointed.  The crowd was not my sort of crowd at all  -- holy moly, even the young ones looked old!  I spent most of the time talking to Cyndee whom I met Monday.  I've asked if she wants to join me for dinner on a day we are not doing something, send her possible dates, and she keeps on saying she will look into it.  Distinct possibility that I won't see her again either.  They say you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.  I think you've got to try a ton of different meetups before you find one that fits. Or try something else.

Way Too Busy

I have been way too busy the last couple of days to sit down and write.  By the time I have the time, I am too tired!  I've been exhausted lately and feel like I am possibly coming down with a cold or something.

Was having more trouble hearing, so on Monday I went down to Woodbridge to have my hearing aids tuned.  Ali, my audiologist, is so sweet.  I told her what has been going on -- she went into shock.  The audiologist is in the same building and on the same floor as David's alternative medicine practice and David used to do their ear exams between his chelation patients.  The receptionist, Maryann, asked how David was liking his new job -- I told her he was liking it  - what else could I say?  I asked Ali not to tell Maryann what I had just told her.  Anyway, now that my hearing aids are fine tuned and hopefully I will have a fighting chance when I do the Information Desk at Morristown Memorial tomorrow.

David came over after work on Monday on his way to Daniel's house for dinner.  He needed to collect his mail and do a few minor things around the house for me.  As always, our relationship seems so normal when we are together but then he gets up and leaves.  I guess on his part there is really nothing there (and probably hasn't been for who knows how long -- I never knew it and he was always hiding it).  We both left at the same time -- him to go to Daniel's and me to go to the Martini Bar in Millburn for a meet-up.

The meet-up in Millburn was billed as an "experiential" discussion.  It was led by a volunteer who had no training and no experience.  She was young and of Indian-Hindu heritage and decided to talk about accepting what was meant to me rather than about experiences.  Wish I had know her back ground before paying $14 for the honor of talking to her.  She was nice, but definitely not worth paying for.  Before the discussion one could purchase drinks and/or food at the bar and mingle with other singles.  And once again I sat at the bar mostly by myself.  I spoke to several women but the men weren't flocking to me.  I started questioning why I am warding off attention.  I really was NOT interested in ANYONE there and must have been sending out clear signals that I wasn't interested.  I am going to have to learn to manipulate and control my body language.  I did meet a nice woman who although ~10 years younger than me has practically the same separation story.  She must have been sending out a completely different vibe because several men flocked around her -- even though she was definitely not good looking (attractive but plain).  Anyway, we exchanged information and I will see her again this coming Sunday at the Agudath Israel meetup.  Maybe this is someone I can comfortably meet for dinner or to do something on a weekend when we are not otherwise occupied.

On Tuesday I saw my therapist for the first time in a month.  I asked her why I was still feeling bad a lot of the time since I am definitely moving forward.  She said that it is normal to experience the highs and lows but that I was definitely doing well.  The lows will eventually get further and further apart and I get used to my new life.  We also discussed my body language at socially oriented singles meetups.  She said that I was definitely giving off "stay away from me" vibes  because I wasn't interested.  I was most likely putting up a barrier around me that prevented anyone from approaching.  I made another appointment in a month, but after that I think I will call her on an as-needs basis.

Tuesday afternoon was a swirl of Natalie, Sabrina, and making dinner at Jessica and Mike's (veal parmesan and caprese salad).  By the time I got home I was tired.  But Tuesday didn't even compare to Wednesday.  On Wednesday I got up really, really early to take care of everything so I could get to Morristown Memorial by 9:00 for my volunteer courier job.  I now can get around the whole hospital on my own  without too much trouble -- if I'm unsure I ask -- there is always someone around who can direct me.  I did a lot of runs between 9:00 AM and 12:00 PM when I broke for lunch with the group - it is nice to be included in something instead of just walking around on my own.  I did another couple of runs after lunch and then left at one.  At least I feel really useful doing this courier work.

I had a short break before I had to go to pick up Natalie from her after school activity (chess club) at 3:45 at Collins.  I took her from school to her swimming class at Gold gym and then I took her home to my house.  I let her watch a movie while I prepared dinner.   Used the Foreman grill by myself for the first time -- not a problem.  Made grilled chicken, couscous, and caprese salad with the mozzarella cheese left over from dinner at Jessica's.  Unfortunately, Dan was stuck at work, so it was just me and Natalie who must have liked the meal because she kept on asking for more chicken.  I packed up a meal for Daniel and was getting ready to take it and Natalie to Jessica's so that I could get to my first support group session on time when Daniel came.  He took Natalie and the food home and I left almost immediately after.

National Council of Jewish Women runs a six week peer support group "Women Coping with Separation and Divorce".  A lot of people have raved about it and I signed up -- the first session was last night.  The group is led by two trained "facilitators" who are NOT therapists.  There were 9 woman of all different backgrounds there at all different stages of divorce and separation.  We had a lot in common: shock, loneliness, need to make friends with people with similar circumstances; and a lot not in common: some have severe financial problems and some are well off, some left and some were left, some are glad to get out of their marriages and some are not.  All I can say is thanks god I am not having some of their financial problems - at least at the moment.   I have to be careful not to go off the deep end with spending, but David is giving me enough to pay my bills and live essentially like I was living before -- at least for now.  Yesterday everyone told their story.  Some people were way stronger than other -- I was one of the few who cried -- but I am one of the most recently separated, one of the oldest, one who was probably married the longest, and one of the few who was completely taken by surprise.  One woman, Tracey, initiated her separation and doesn't have custody of her children; most of the others had husbands who left.  One woman (actually a young girl) has a 4 year old and 2 year old twins.  She is new to the area, knows practically no one, has almost no friends here, and no family or support group to help her.  Another woman has two adopted teenage daughters and a husband who is not supporting them.  She just lost her job and apparently she and her husband haven't paid the mortgage for years so her house is in foreclosure.  In addition, her parents are sick and can't help her.  So many pathetic stories.  I was told that I would grow close to the women in this group, not sure if I will be able to  get close to them -- I have so little in common with them at the moment other than that we are all split from our husbands.  Well there are 5 more sessions and we'll see.

I was exhausted by the time I got home last night and still tired when I got up this morning for my ceramics class.  I got to the class on time to find out that there are now around 10 people in the class only one of whom is a beginner like me.  This is so disappointing.  The class was listed for beginners who are novices working with clay and cost $370 for the 10 class session.  I would have never signed up if I knew that the class would be filled with non-beginners.  Instead of spending time helping me and the other beginner, the instructor spent almost all his time with those who already knew what they were doing.  I felt ignored!  I was there from 10:00 AM until 11:55 AM and barely got any attention.  I had no idea what I was doing.  As soon as I was able to start something on the wheel, it collapsed and I had to start all over again.  I asked for help a number of times and the instructor came over, told me to do something, and left to help others.  Finally, at 11:55 I told him that I was unhappy, and left.  I went to the office to try and get a refund - at best they will give me a credit for classes not taken.  They say they can not prevent anyone from taking any class if the time is good for them.  But this class was listed as a beginners class and I am NOT happy.  Before next Thursday, I will have to decide if I want to get a credit for classes not taken or whether I will try to continue with this class.  I am going to look through the brochure and see what else is offered at times when I can take classes since the schedule seems to be the same from semester to semester.

Well that brings me to the present.  Meeting Sharon K for dinner tonight.  Haven't seen her since mid-August which is not unusual -- I hadn't seen her for years before that.  As a long time divorcee, she was able to give me some very good advice last time.  Let's see what else I can learn tonight.

Goldilocks and the Meetups

 I've been testing out a number of social meetup groups  - everything from 
"45+ singles" to "mature women friends" to "museum and cultural 
touring" to "wine tasting".  There's a whole world I never knew existed 
and I'm trying it out. I'm not ready for one-on-one dating yet - soon, maybe, but not now. 

Today I felt like Goldilocks.  

My first meetup of the day was with the 45+ Singles Club of the Clifton Jewish Center and was in combinaton with the temple's book club.  The book discussed was the historical fiction The Midwife of Venice.  I liked the book but didn't love it.  It was an easy read and a page turner, but the characters were very one-dimensional.  No one had depth and motivation was just glossed over.  This group was all women (not a problem) and most of the people there were way too old (in terms of people with whom I want to continue having an association).

My second meetup was with a group called "Museums/Culture NYC/NJ".  We went to the Museum of the City of NY.  The docent tour was really good, but the museum was tiny and there was barely anything else to look at (could have to do with the construction currently going on at the museum).  The group went out for drinks and a bite in a nearby restaurant after the museum.  Everyone was nice but the people there were way too young (most being closer to 40 than to 60).

Too bad there wasn't a third meetup today -- perhaps the ages would have been just right!

Back From Class

I was away in Allentown PA at a two day cake decorating class with Kaysie Lackey at Mother of Cakes.  Spent the time making "Nigel the Nightowl" but had to complete him at home because there just wasn't enough time - which is strange since class ran without a break from 10:00 AM to 7:00 PM on Thursday and 9:00 AM to lord know when on Friday (I left at 8:30 PM because I still had an hour-and-a-half to hour-and-three-quarters drive home and I was exhausted).

Nigel traveled well - some of the braiding around his eyes, his beak, and his nose fell off but I was able to re-glue those  yesterday.  Attached the leaves to the trees and decorated the base this morning. Voila - four cakes balanced on a limb in the form of an owl.

It was really nice being able to get away and be with other people doing something I enjoy.  Only cracked up once:  my fondant tore while I was covering the body.  Suddenly I felt like a complete failure and I started to cry.  Both Kaysie (the instructor) and Tanveer (the school owner) knew what was going on and were very nice and helpful.  When I took my last class with Kaysie in December, her husband had just left her  so she really knows where I am at.

Being away and spending time alone without having to take care of dogs or grandchildren allowed me to think.  I can't believe how much I have been suppressing.  David was awful to me our first year of marriage.  I am now sure that he resented my taking away his independence when I moved into his apartment when we first got married.  He had lived there alone for a year prior to our getting married -- got the apartment when he first started Medical School.  He ignored me and did what he wanted when  he wanted to do it.  I couldn't leave because I didn't want to go home and live with my parents (which would have been my only choice) so I would up having an affair with someone I didn't particularly like but who paid attention to me.  Sadly I don't even remember the person..  Looks like I've always been self-destructive when I am trying to get someone's attention.  But that is not who I wanted to be, so I decided to accept David for who he is and live with it.  Big mistake.  Guess I was never happy and sadly neither was he. 

Got to go feed the dogs and pay some attention to them.  Tonight I am sitting for Sabrina so Jessica and Mike can go out to dinner.  Good grandma!

Not Every Day

I think I have to stop forcing myself to write every day -- some things are not worth writing about and sometimes I don't really have anything to say that is relevant.  Going forward I will write about my feelings and new activities in my life.

Saw David last evening before he went over to Josh's for dinner - Monday is his day to rotate dinner with one child's family or another.  He stops by here on Mondays after work and before meeting up with whoever has him for the evening. Why do I cut short whatever I am doing to rush home to see him when I get upset most times that I do see him?  I still don't understand what happened and can't believe that he has absolutely no feelings for me -- but his lack of caring is  more and more evident each time he is here.  I always end up feeling worse after each meeting.  Guess part of me still expects this to go away or heal with time.  But what is happening is that he is drifting farther and farther away from me into his complacency and he is perfectly comfortable (even happier) NOT being here.  At this point his stop-bys  have become more a function of picking up his mail than anything else.  Although our conversations seem normal, I find it so insulting when he starts checking his watch to see when he can get away and be off for at least another week.  Think I am going to avoid being here next week when he comes.  I have a meet-up to go to and might be able to go straight from Josh's.

Sadly, I have begun to think of when we first got married and am seeing things I suppressed for so long.  The year before we married, David had moved into "our" apartment for his first year of Medical School.  I was completing my last year of college and still living at home.  We got married as soon as I graduated at the end of that year.  But instead of feeling welcome into "our" home, I always felt he resented my showing up and taking away his independence.  After we got married and I moved in permanently, he preferred spending time with his new friends from medical school.  I was so miserable and lonely the first year of our marriage.  Why did I put my misery aside and decide to settle for someone who clearly didn't love me as much or in the manner I wanted to be loved?  Why did I think this was just the way it was supposed to be?  I was a 22 year old idiot who wanted to get out of my mother's house, so I built a relationship on a  shaky foundation and accepted things as they were.  What may be the most amazing thing of all is that a  relationship that probably never should have been last for 42 years.

The Show's The Thing

Today Jessica and I went to see the Papermill show "Honeymoon in Vegas" starring Tony Danza.  This is a new play based on the movie "Honeymoon in Vegas" starring James Caan, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Nicholas Cage.  The show was cute and okay but not great.  I thought it was very old fashioned and needs a lot of work before it can go to Broadway.  Our seats okay but not great.  They were not my usual subscription seats because we exchanged our tickets because Michele was uncomfortable waiting to see the play on our regular date.  Since we usually see the last show of the series, if Scott's wife in California had her baby late and Michele had to be there for the bris, we wouldn't be able to exchange our tickets for later.

When I picked Jessica up she seemed to be in a mood (only tired she claimed) because she felt that I was asking too much to make the kids rotate checking in on me.  She felt it would be more reasonable for me to send a group text to the three of them once I am home for the evening.  Something to the effect of "I am safely home - have a good evening!".  She said that if they didn't get a text they would know that something was wrong.  This works for me, I guess -- just wish that Jessica was a little less harsh when she told me to do this.  Why does she always seem so angry with me?  Is it just my paranoia? 

Jessica says that I need to talk to my therapist about being uncomfortable at home alone and being afraid that I may fall and no one would even know about it.  Is that such a crazy fear?  She also suggested that I made want to get one of those "I've fallen and I can't get up" alerts to wear around my neck.  This I am NOT crazy about.  And lord knows what the cost of the equipment and monitoring costs.

Is This The New Normal?

Forgot to write yesterday.  Well actually it is not that I forgot to write, but that I got home late and was tired and needed to pay attention to the dogs. I decided to do everything else first and save the writing for last.  And then I forgot.

Yesterday was an interesting day.  After talking to Daniel on Friday I came to the realization that I am alone for now and probably will be for who knows how long.  The thing that scares me the most is that no one knows where I am or if I am safe.  Where am I going, with whom, did I get home without a problem, did I fall in the house, am I sick, do I need help.  I called the kids and was able to speak to Josh and Dan - I will speak to Jessica today when I pick her up to go to the play.  I told the boys my concerns.  I said that each Saturday I would send them a detailed schedule, including names, addresses, and contact information of what I plan to do for the week.  I also asked them to set up a schedule to rotate a check-in text or phone call so that they know I am alive and safe at home at the end of the day.  The boys agreed -- but no one contacted me last night.  Wonder when they are planning to start.

Yesterday evening I went to a "Foosball, Ping-Pong, and Potluck Dinner" meetup through the meetup group "Alive and Kickin'".  Everyone was asked to bring a dish to be shared or other party supplies.  I made my pasta-tuna casserole.

The party was at a private home in West Orange.  The place was TINY and there must have been around 50 people at this party.  When I drove up at 6:00 PM there were a number of dorky looking men going into the house -- unfortunately, they looked like they were in their late seventies or eighties.  I almost turned around and left.  But I was there already, braced myself, and went in.  Are meetups the haven for men who can't get dates on J-Date or Match.com?  Sure felt like that!

I met a number of lovely women with whom I spent most of my time.  Even spent some time playing ping-pong (I'm terrible).  But I didn't have a one-on-one conversation with any of the men.  Do I give off vibes that say "stay away from me"?  Must be.  One of the women said I must be really new at this because I looked like I didn't want to be there.  This is proof that I was never the actress in the family.

By 9:15 I was tired and knew that I had at least a 30 minute drive home, dogs to contend with, and the need to get up today to go to the play.   Plus, I had already spoken to the women who I could get along with and none of the men interested me or were interested in me. That guy Bob who has been sending me email through the meetup group since the meetup dinner at the Mexican Place was there - but he creeps me out and I have no interest in responding to his interest.  I made my goodbyes and left while the party was going strong. 

Although I am not ready to sign up on J-date or Match.com and try my hand at one-on-one dating, I am getting the feeling that large mixers may not be my thing.  I don't know how to mix and make small talk.  Oh well, I am signed up for a bunch of other meetups with other groups.  I'll either find my niche or have to move on.

At the moment I have to get ready to pick up Jessica so we can go to the Papermill to see "Honeymoon in Vegas".

Another Day Ends with Another Setback

Started out the day pretty well: it was my first day at the information desk at Morristown Memorial Hospital.  Don't have my computer ID yet so I shadowed another volunteer.  Phone keeps on ringing -- people checking to see if a friend or a family member is in the hospital, people trying to get the bedside phone number of a patient, people trying to contact a physician on staff, and insurance companies checking to see whether a patient is still in the hospital or has been discharged.  In addition, many people first entering the hospital come to the information desk to find out what room a patient is in and get directions on how to get to that room.  Problem is I don't yet have the information I need to give them down pat.  It will come -- eventually -- but will be able to hear the people at the desk and the people on the phone.  I sincerely hope so!

So my volunteering consists of one day walking all over the hospital and one day sitting by the front door.  I can do this!

After my shift I went home and grabbed a quick lunch before I left to get Natalie.  I wind up bringing her all the way back home because there is quite some time between when I pick her up (2:35) and when Daniel can get home for her (5:00-5:30-ish).  But things will change after I get back from my cake class.  First my days will change: to Tuesday and Wednesday from Wednesday and Friday.  On Tuesdays we will be picking up Sabrina so Natalie and Sabrina can play for a bit and for four Wednesdays in October Natalie is registered for swimming so I will at least be taking her to an activity.

Dan called when he was getting out of work and we decided to eat here since Caroline was working late.  I had half of a cornish hen left and cut it up.  Also made pasta with turkey meatballs (Trader Joe's frozen) in tomato sauce and a salad. 

Everything went fine until just before Dan was leaving and he mentioned that he has been assigned to take care of my dogs next Thursday.  I was so upset.  David promised to  come home and take care of the dogs while I was away.  But instead of taking the time to stay with and play with the dogs he has delegated their care to Daniel who can only stop by for a few minutes to feed the dogs and let them out before he has to leave and get to work or get home.  So the poor dogs will be locked in cages a whole day and night and only be let out for a couple of minutes.  David is turning into a total asshole - or maybe he always was and I never realized or wanted to admit it to myself.  These are his dogs too -- I don't get it!  Never will!  But am starting to really dislike the man!!!

Ghost

This morning I started my ceramics class at the Montclair Art Museum.  The class was supposed to be for beginners only and was supposed to cover all methods of working with clay.  However, this is not the reality of the class.  There are people in the class who have taken this before and the class will be about throwing pots on a potters wheel.  The person who was supposed to teach the class left the school and the person who is teaching the class (the head of the ceramics department) decided to teach a strictly pottery wheel class.  Amazingly this is the class I wanted to take in the first place but it wasn't given when I could go.  So I am thrilled.  

 

The instructor, Dave I think, looks like he is a fugitive from a motorcycle gang -- if I didn't know him and saw him coming I'd be inclined to cross the street.  Long gray hair pulled back into a pony tail and a graying beard.  But he turned out to be so nice and helpful.  Even told me to come in next Monday so I don't miss a lesson due to my being away next week because of the cake class.  The Monday class fits into my schedule if I only go to Weight Watchers for a weigh-in.  So I am planning to take advantage of the offer.

 

Throwing a pot on the potters wheel is very very messy!  Like playing with mud.  Think Demi Moore in Ghost.  I loved it.  I made two pots today with the help of the instructor -- but sincerely doubt I can do this by myself without the help.  And even with the help, my two pots turned out to be bowls even though I wanted to make a bowl and a cup.  Hopefully, I'll eventually get the hang of using the wheel.  The pots still have to be glazed and fired -- but I enjoyed myself.

 

Met up with Michele for lunch at the Ritz Diner.  Needed to get the tickets for Sunday's Papermill show from her.  This way Jess and I can go on our own and see Marc and Michele once we get there.  Lunch also gave us a chance to talk a bit which we haven't done for a while.  Must be quite a while already because she didn't remember seeing my haircut.

 

After I got home I went grocery shopping and made the casserole for the pot-luck dinner meetup I am going to this Saturday.  I am trying out a lot of group meetups - some Jewish, some mixed.  I am finding that I like some more than others and will continue doing things with groups that I enjoy and eventually drop out of those groups I don't care about.  Not sure that I am ready for one-on-one dating yet so I holding off signing up for J-date or Match.com.  Wish I knew what I want -- but at this point I am still addled and confused and if truth be known, a part of me still thinks this is not real.  I know it is real, but a part of me just doesn't believe it.  Guess I am living with the ghost of a marriage.

My First Day As A Volunteer

Today was my first day as a volunteer at Morristown Memorial Hospital.  I was a bit nervous so I couldn't fall asleep last night and then had to get up at 6:45 AM so that I could take care of the dogs, get dressed, and get myself out of the house by 8:15 to be sure I could get to the hospital by 9:00 AM.   It should only be a 20 minute drive without traffic, but Rt 10 is bumper to bumper in the morning so I gave myself extra time and was therefore able to make it to the hospital on time.

On Wednesdays I am a courier which means I walk around the hospital picking up stuff in one area and then bringing it to another area.  The hospital is huge -- there must be 5 or 6 separate buildings all interconnected via long corridors and hallways.  And since the hospital is built on a hill, the ground floor level in one building may be the second floor in another building or a sub-basement in a third.  Very confusing!  Other volunteers lead me around today to show me the way -- but I still felt like I needed to drop a breadcrumb trail to be able to get back to the volunteer office.

Seems like these women like to rest a lot between walks and they went down to lunch as a group around noon.  I will probably go to lunch next week (just for the company)  but had other things I wanted to get done today and wanted to leave on time so I didn't go with them.  Problem is that there was no one left but me and I wasn't comfortable going to places I didn't know how to get to.  But I amazed myself  and everyone else by going on two runs on my own -- din't get too lost and got back to the volunteer office with enough time so I could leave on time.  Yay me.

This coming Friday my computer ID may not be ready so I may not be able to do the Info desk.  Kim suggested that I may want to do courier again just for the day to familiarize myself more with the hospital.  I can't do Friday next week because I will be in Allentown PA at a cake decorating class that I signed up for months ago.  So first day at Info desk may get pushed off until October 11.

I picked up Natalie after school at 2:30.  Not sure what to do with her from 2:30 until Dan comes to get her around 5:00.  Next week I won't be getting her because of the cake decorating class.  Then for four weeks she will have swimming from 4:30 until 5:00.  After that I will have to find some activities to fill our time.

Had dinner with Josh, Lauren, Emma, and Jacob this evening.  I made chickens stuffed with rice-a-roni which I put into the oven when I got there at 5:45 - they were ready by 7:00.  We wound up eating late because Lauren didn't get home until after 7:00 and Josh didn't get home until around 7:20.  I had to leave around 8:00 so that I could get home and spend some time with the dogs.  Tonight was the last Wednesday at Josh's until the end of November.  I have to skip next week because of the cake decorating class and then have a 6 week group therapy session for newly separated and divorced women on Wednesdays.

Tomorrow is another first: my first beginners ceramics class at the Montclair Art Museum.  I need some rest!

It's Late and I'm In a Rush

Had lunch today with Debbie -- it's been a while.  She too is in total shock.   So what else is new?

My background check finally came back and I will be starting my volunteer work at Morristown Memorial Hospital tomorrow.  I can't wait!

Made Cornish Hens stuffed with Rice-a-Roni.  One hen serves two people -- so I brought two to Jessica's for dinner tonight; have three ready to go into the oven tomorrow for dinner at Josh's, and one done to share with Michele for lunch on Thursday after my ceramics class.

Picked Sabrina up at 5-ish and brought her home.  Mike and I took Sabrina to the playground at the school behind their house.  She had a ball!  Hoped that Jessica would be home on time (or working form home) but she had to work in the city today and unfortunately missed the train getting home.  So dinner was really late -- I didn't get home until almost 10.


Last, but definitely not least, my days with Natalie are changing because Caroline's work days are changing.  Starting October 8, I will be picking Natalie up on Tuesdays and Wednesdays - Caroline will take over Fridays.  That frees up my Fridays to do other things like meetups - or I may have dinner with Dan, Caroline, and Natalie on Fridays whenever one of us doesn't have something else to do.  Just when I thought I knew my schedule!

Really looking forward to starting volunteering tomorrow.

The Sun Did Come Out

Okay - I am going to have to learn to be more patient in my dealings with David and stop getting so upset when something goes wrong. 

We sat down this afternoon to talk about finances and I showed him the numbers.  He agreed to give me $4500 every two weeks which is $117,000 per year after taxes or the equivalent of $9750 per month.  Hopefully I will be able to pay the bills and be comfortable on this amount.  He said if other things come up on an emergency basis (like things for my car) or if there are other things I haven't taken into account to tell him and he would take care of it.  Hopefully this will leave him with enough to live on so that he doesn't come and tell me that he needs to cut what he is giving me.

I still don't understand why he just can't live here and move into another room.  It would save us a heck of a lot of money.  What is he getting out of being alone?

I went to Weight Watchers this morning.  My weight is up and down again -- mainly cause I am really not paying much attention to the diet.  I have to start counting points again and writing everything down.  If I don't then I should drop out and save myself the $42 monthly fee.

Saw Jacob this afternoon.  Went over from 1:30 through 3:30 -- I wanted to make sure that I had enough time with David.  Jacob and I took a walk, I pushed him on the swing, and I walked again with him in the stroller - he seemed very zonked out but I don't know if he slept at all.  When we got home we went down to play in the playroom in the basement.  It was fun, but I was very distracted today waiting for my meeting with David.

Now that things are straightened out, I am exhausted.

Annie

"The sun will come out tomorrow...".

Today I took Natalie to see Annie on Broadway.  I bought the tickets back in June before I had any idea David was going to leave.  I should have known something was odd when I bought those tickets.  In the past David was always more than willing to accompany us to any show for which I purchased tickets.  But when I asked him about Annie, he had no interest and told me to take Natalie on my own.  At the time it struck me as odd but not something to set off alarms -- so I quickly forgot about his attitude and just bought two tickets.  Guess hindsight is 20-20!

The seats were in the first row of the mezzanine and were great.  We could look directly at the stage without having to look over or around someone sitting in front of us.  I loved watching Natalie watch the show.  She was grinning ear to ear and singing some of the song right along with the actors.  Too cute! 

Despite not having resolved finances yet (that will be a matter taken up "tomorrow") I bought Natalie a CD of the show and we played it on the car ride home.

David will be here tomorrow to take the dogs to the vet and said that he would resolve the latest financial crisis.  I, however, am not sure that the sun will come out tomorrow.  I can't see how these financial matters will be resolved equitably.  Judging from all the extras we were quite capable of affording before and my not being able to pay the bills with a supposedly equal amount of money that he used to make, I'd have to say that I am not getting an equal amount of money.  He has to be socking away a goodly percentage of his money before taxes so that there is a lot less there to split 50-50.  I can't prove it, but I am sure he is cheating me -- so what else is new.

I talked to Daniel about this briefly and he said that I should calm down and wait until I speak David tomorrow.  He said that he, Josh, and Jessica would not let David get away with cheating me.  I hope this all resolves itself -- I just don't know what to do.  I haven't been able to find a job and can't make money on my own so I am totally dependent on his largess.  It is making me crazy and I hate him for refusing to come yesterday to settle this earlier rather than later.

Will the sun actually come out tomorrow?  I have serious doubts!

Old Friends

I was so upset yesterday over the money that I called David.  How could he NOT know that $3700 every two weeks is just not going to cover the bills?  Last months I paid out over $9500.  That's $2100 more than what he is giving me.  Yes, there was a big service bill for my car in July, over $2000, but aren't there things that come up every month?  He paid the bills for 40 years so he should have known exactly how much money is being spent every month and that what he is planning on giving me is not enough.  David insists he WILL work things out and give me enough money to live well and not have to worry.  He doesn't understand why I am not taking him at his word when he promises that he will not screw me financially.  He swears that he was unaware how much money he was paying out on a monthly basis.  I wanted him to come by today on his way home from Woodbridge so that we could go over the numbers and come to an agreement.  He refused saying that he is coming on Monday which will be soon enough to take care of everything.  Bottom line, I will have to worry and stew about this until I see him Monday afternoon because he can't be inconvenienced to come earlier.

I met Jean for coffee at the Short Hills Mall this morning.  We spent 2-1/2 hours talking.  I never realized that she and Bruce live in separate rooms.  Why couldn't David move into another room in this house and keep up appearances too?  Jean and I talked and cried and I had a good time.  We said we will try to meet at some point to go into the city to a museum and for lunch; I sent Jean dates but who knows when she will get back to me.

Got home to take care of the dogs and figured that my day was over; but I found a message from Helen on my cell.  She needed to check Dan's and Caroline's phone numbers (wants them to watch her dog Lance while she is away in October).  When I called her back with the information, she invited me over for dinner - she is alone because her husband is visiting family in Russia.  Helen made a wonderful salad and some turkey patties.  I had a great time talking to her and wasn't alone for the whole evening.

Tomorrow I am taking Natalie to see "Annie" on Broadway.  Bought the tickets way before this whole craziness started.  Slowly but surely I am inching my way toward Monday afternoon and a resolution to this financial thing.

Not So Sure This Is Fair

I thought that by asking David for half of his income I would be fine paying the bills.  He is making twice what he made before.  I just figured that I could live on the same amount that we both were living on before.  Not so sure any more!

David had promised to deposit money into my checking account today.  He said that he was going to text me once he made the deposits.  When I sat down this evening to pay the bills I realized that I hadn't heard from him so I sent him a text.  He got back to me that he was out all day today and planned on making a deposit of $3700 this evening.  David now makes $325,000 before bonuses and gets paid every other week.  So considering that he gets paid 26 times per year, the gross for this check should have been $12,500 - half of which is $6,250.  Considering a hefty amount getting taken out for taxes, I still thought I would be getting closer to $4700-5000.

I sat down and went though all the bills last month and outstanding credit card bills and there is no way that I can survive on $3700 every two weeks.  The house expenses alone are $3720 per month and this is in a non-winter month where I am not paying for heat. 

I thought I would be able to pay the bills and save a little without asking for more than my due (half).  But the house is half his - he will benefit from it when it is sold.  His rent is probably way low -- who told him to move out?  Why is he saddling me with a majority of the bills that I have to pay out of my half?

I called him and was very upset. He said we would talk about this on Monday.  Christ -- why do I have to worry until Monday.  I am going to make myself sick.  What should I ask for? 

Every time I think I am moving on there is always something that absolutely upsets me all over again.  Maybe I would be better off dead -- I can't start counting every penny at this point in my life.  Why is he doing this to me?

Eating Too Much

When this started I couldn't eat at all and the weight was dropping off.  Since I had been struggling at Weight Watchers, this was a welcome thing.  But suddenly I am eating out too, too much -- some days, like today, both lunch and dinner.

My friend Alyse will be coming over shortly to talk and so that we can go out for lunch.  Haven't seen her in a while -- so at least the talking part will be very welcome.  We decided to go someplace local for lunch though lord knows what is around here.  Think we will have to go into Morristown or Denville -- we'll see.  The only good thing is that Alyse is also dieting so we won't be going for pizza.

Tonight is is first meetup with a group called "Mature Women Friends".  Not thrilled that the meetup is in Spring Valley, about 45 minutes to an hour away, but I am interested in meeting a single group of women who are my age and interested in getting out for a bit.  We are meeting in a Chinese Restaurant.  Hopefully I don't overeat and I meet some nice women with whom I can spend some time.

Still haven't heard back from Morristown Hospital.  I know that background checks take a while -- but I am so antsy to get started.  What can you do?  Guess I am NOT volunteering tomorrow - unfortunately I canceled the lunch date I had originally set up with Tessy, but Mike is free for lunch and we will meet if I'm not working (again with the food!).

Nothing else to talk about or report.

Almost Missed Writing Today

This will be brief because it is really late. 

I didn't start volunteering today because the background check is obviously not yet complete.  Oh well -- but let's get a move on!  I really want to get onto a schedule.  Well this left me with a empty morning which I managed to fill with a trip to Costco.  Not a big fan of shopping at Costco on my own, but I had received a $55 rebate certificate and could only use it by shopping at the store.  Picked up a birthday gift for Lauren and some small Xmas gifts for the kids.

Magically the "Check Engine" light on the Lexus went off and I decided to cancel tomorrow's appointment.  In all honesty, I don't need to spend $250 for a smoke test when nothing is going on.  I'll reschedule if and when the light goes on again.  Tom, my builder, thinks its related to Gogel putting the spare on the car -- doesn't make sense to me, but who knows.  Anyway, I'll be able to sleep later tomorrow.

Picked up Natalie at school and brought her home.  Had to keep her with me today, bring her home, and put her to bed because Caroline was working late and Dan had to attend the Back to School Night at Natalie's school.  Somehow managed to get some stuff done before Natalie and I went over to Josh's for dinner.  Although Emma said she was going to cook, she didn't.  Instead they ordered Indian out (regular Indian is not my favorite).  Real problem is that the food didn't get to Josh's until almost 7:30 which was a bit late.  Especially since I wanted to have Natalie in bed by 8:00.

As soon as the food came we gobbled it up and I had to take Natalie home.  Lauren had just walked in but I didn't have a chance to talk to her.  Then Daniel came home as soon as Natalie was in bed and I sat down to read.  Didn't get a chance to read a sentence.  Needed to get home to the dogs.

There are days when life is a whirlwind and I have to spread myself very thin. Today was such a day!

Settling Into My Tuesday Schedule

I am now on my new Tuesday schedule:  being here for the new cleaning lady. Anna, alternates with free time to do something with or without friends, then picking up Sabrina at 4:30-5:00 on my way to Jessica's for dinner.  When Mike finds a new job and starts working again the timing of Sabrina's pick-up and dinner at Jessica's may change -- but that will be fine with me as long as Mike finds something (please lord, let it be soon).  In addition, Caroline will be dropping Natalie here today at 4:00 PM so that Daniel can go with Caroline to Morristown Hospital for her sonogram.  Natalie is such a help with Sabrina that this will be a pleasure and make life easier for me.

Was a little nervous about the new cleaning lady Anna showing up today.  She did the initial cleaning on a Wednesday so today is her first on the every other Tuesday afternoon schedule.  Because she is so new working here, I have not yet given her a key and have to be home when she cleans.  Originally Anna had said that she planned to come around 12:30-1:00 PM and spend 4 to 4-1/2 hours on the house.  This, however would cause a problem with my picking up Sabrina.  I could leave Anna here on her own for a little while, go get Sabrina and bring her back to my house, then wait for Anna to finish before I could leave again for Jessica's.   But this is a bit convoluted.   I asked Anna if she could come earlier and she promised to try but didn't guarantee that this would happen.  Well she showed up before 11:30 and is cleaning downstairs as I write this.  Thrilled!

My calendar is now booked solid with only dinner on Mondays to myself through my return from my cake decorating class on Friday October 4.  After that my calendar is almost as full for another 2 weeks.  Hopefully I am not biting off a bigger bite the I can actually chew and swallow.  I don't want to be alone so I book my time and then feel tired and a bit overbooked.  I am really going to have to find a happy balance at some point.

Haven't heard back from Morristown Hospital so I am assuming that the background check is not yet complete and I won't be working tomorrow.  Too bad.  Free time makes me desperate to fill up my calendar and in all honesty, I am beginning to feel a bit overbooked at the moment.  I even called Lexus first thing today to ask them to move my car appointment up to 8:00 AM from 9:30 AM this coming Thursday.  I need the car back by 4:00 so that I can comfortably leave the house by 5-5:15PM to get to the Mature Women's Friends Meetup.  I want to drive in my car, use my GPS, and have my car seats for this weekend.  If it weren't for the dinner meetup in Spring Valley NY, I would have taken out Natalie's car seat and let them keep the car until next Tuesday.   This way I will probably have to reschedule the fix for next week but I will have time to think about whether I want to fix this car or look into getting a new one.

Crazy Day Today

Today was a Monday and I felt that I had a million things to do.  The morning started off with my weekly Weight Watchers weigh-in and meeting.  At least I have lost back 1.2 of the 1.4 pounds I managed to gain last week.  However, I wasn't paying too much attention to the meeting because I had to get to Gogel so they could put the new tires I ordered onto my car.

Left the WW meeting early so that I could get to my 10:30 AM appointment at Gogel on time.  The man at the reception desk said that it would take 45 minutes for them to do the job.  Unfortunately, they didn't start working on the car until 11:15 and the car wasn't finished until around noon..  Luckily I had brought a good book, The Midwife of Venice, with me and the time passed quickly.

I got home with just enough time to make a few phone calls before I had to leave for my weekly visit with Jacob.  I got to Josh's house a little after 1:30.  Jacob and I took a walk, played in the basement, read books, and watched Elmo on TV.  I didn't leave until almost 4:00 so Emma had plenty of time to rest and do her own thing.  I love my little monkey -- but he is so stubborn (wonder where he got that from).  He refused to eat today which something that drives everyone crazy.

David had said he was going to stop at the house today to pick up mail and get some things done.  I had hoped to have a few minutes to discuss things, like my car problems, with him - after all we are still married and he is still paying the bills.  I got home just before 4:30, let the dogs out, and waited for him.  I knew that I had to leave by 5:30 to get to my book club on time -- but no David.  As usual, Lucy refused to come into the house when I called the dogs in for dinner.  I was on the verge of sending a text to David to ask if he could to get Lucy into the house and feed her, when I realized that he had already come and gone.  I saw an large envelope on my recycle pile of newspaper that had not been there before.  Then I found that he had scribbled "Done" on a note I had left for him on the kitchen table.  He had come by at 3:50 and left by 4:10 despite knowing my schedule with Jake - or maybe because of it.   At this point I would say he is now avoiding me altogether.  It gets better and better every week.  Why am I surprised that he is turning into more and more of an asshole as time progresses.

The Book Club meeting was really good.  Sharon, a new member of the club (actually was in the club years ago and  had to drop out) had chosen the book Orphan Train by Christine Baker for this month's selection.  I enjoyed the book and Sharon even managed to get the author to come to our book club meeting to discuss the book with us.  It was interesting to hear why she wrote it and what had changed from her original concept of what the book was going to be about as the book went through several drafts.  After the author left, I told the rest of the group who did not already know about my separation.  Turns out 5 of the 9 women in the club are separated or divorced.  I may get together with Sharon to go to the Cloisters in a couple of weeks.  Even though she is 12 years younger than me,  I think that would enjoy talking to her and getting her advice (she has been divorced for 12 years).  Lose a husband, gain some friends!

Driving Into the City Depressing Can Be Depressing

Today I had dinner with my ex-sister-in-law Phyllis, my niece Lauren and her husband Shahab, and my nephew David and his girlfriend Kelly.  Dinner was great -- getting there was a major disaster!

Every once in a while I start crying out of the clear blue.  I think I am doing well, catch a glimpse in the mirror, and burst into tears.  This goes along with screaming "Why did you do this to me?" at the top of my lungs.  These moments are occurring less often as time passes but they still occur -- and it occurred today while I was putting freshly laundered sheets and towels into the linen closet.  Sometimes doing the things David used to do that I now have to do by myself just strikes a nerve.

Since I didn't have to leave for the city until 5:00 PM, I had the time to sit down and read a bit to calm myself down before I had to start getting ready.  Reading helped but I was still a bit unnerved by the time I left at 5:00.  I had made our dinner reservation at ViceVersa on 51st St near 8th Ave for 6:00 PM and it is only a 40 minute ride according to my GPS so I figured that I had given myself plenty of time on a Sunday evening.  In just under 40 minutes after leaving my house, I emerged from the  Lincoln Tunnel and was about 1 minute from the parking garage.  I was thrilled that the drive had been so easy.

Unfortunately, the gods decided that they had made things too easy.  I usually turn left off Dyre Avenue onto 40th St after coming out of the Lincoln Tunnel and then head uptown on 10th.  However, my GPS wanted me to make a right onto 42nd St and take 8th Ave  uptown.  Since the garage I wanted to park in is on 8th Ave, I decided to follow my GPS.  Big mistake!  What the GPS and I both didn't know was that there was a street fair on 8th Ave and it was closed from 42nd to 52nd.  Traffic crawled and when I finally got to 8th I couldn't make the turn.  Finally crawled on to 6th Ave where I could make the turn an head uptown. 

Tried calling my niece Lauren to let her know what was happening and wound up calling my daughter-in-law Lauren instead.  My car doesn't let me initiate a call while I am driving.  That means that I have to initiate the phone call using my cell phone's contact list.  When the call goes through it is diverted to the car's bluetooth system.  Well trying to make that call while dodging traffic and pedestrians is tricky and I wound up calling the wrong Lauren.  So after I let my DIL know why I accidentally called her I had to try once again to get through to my niece. 

Finally got to 6th Ave and then turned onto 51st St to find that 51st was clogged.  I parked in the first garage I saw on 51st and walked/ran the three remaining blocks to the restaurant in heels. It took me 40 minutes to get from my house into the city.  It took an hour and 20 minutes to travel less then 1 mile from the tunnel exit to the restaurant.  Needless to say, there was a lot of slamming of the steering wheel and cursing out other drivers especially those from out of state who don't know how to drive in that sort of congestion and only make a bad situation worse.

Everyone was waiting for me when I finally got to the restaurant.  They had eaten some appetizers before I came but waited for me before ordering dinner. At least I had a good time once I was there -- the Cosmo certainly helped.  And Phyllis who has been divorced for almost 20 years fully understood what I am going through and was very sympathetic. 

FYI - it took 45 minutes to get home.  Yes, I could have hit traffic coming and going but I didn't.  Thank god for small things!

Breaking the Fast with New Friends

Okay -- I didn't fast but I went to another meetup group -- a singles group associated with the Clifton Jewish Center.  We met at the Park West Diner in Little Falls at 8:15 PM for a break-fast dinner.  Most of the people came after the afternoon Yom Kippur service -- I went to the diner directly. 

There was a very long table at the back of the restaurant and about 20 people showed up for the break-fast.  The seating arrangement meant that there wasn't a lot of socializing with the entire group; but I happened to luck out and wound up sitting with several nice people.  I especially liked Leigh, who sat catty-corner to me at the table.  She is a divorcee who now lives in Cliffside Park, NJ (she is from Washington state).  Leigh is a sign language interpreter and we had a great discussion about my hearing issues.  Amy who sat opposite me was also nice but I don't think we have a lot in common and don't foresee developing a lasting friendship with her.  There was also a man at the table -- said he was a former ice-cream salesman for Hagen Daz -- but I don't remember his  name or much about him.  The organizer, Martine, also seemed really nice -- but she was sitting way down at the other end of the table.  I didn't get much of a chance to talk to her. 

That was a lot of driving (half an hour in each direction) for very little spent at dinner.  But I enjoyed myself.  I am already signed up to attend other meetups run by the group and am looking forward to them and to meeting more people.

That was the good part of today; but there is also a bad part.  Michele called this morning and during the conversation she mentioned that she wants to change our Papermill tickets to 9/29 from 10/20.  She is afraid that she may be in California on 10/20 if Scott's and his wife's son arrives late.  I had to contact David to see what he wants me to do with his ticket -- replied that he has no interest in seeing this show.  I then texted Jessica and asked her if she wants to go to the show with me -- she said yes -- so I have a date.  So far no real problem.  I drove the tickets over to Michele so that she can exchange them when she exchanges hers (this way we may all be able to sit together).  That is when the trouble started. 

As soon as I turned on my car the "Check Engine" light came on.  I called Lexus and they wanted me to come right over.  Didn't get a chance to chat with Michele for even a minute cause as soon as I dropped the tickets with her I had to turn around and get my car over to Lexus before the technicians left. 

The code that came up of their computer indicates that my car has an emissions leak -- but they don't see anything leaking and decided that they have to do a more detailed check.  Since I need my car with the car seats earlier in the week, I couldn't let them keep the car.  Made an appointment for this Thursday to have them do a smoke test for $250 to try to hopefully determine what needs to be fixed.  Lord knows what the fix will cost.  So after $400 for new tires on Monday and $250 to determine what is causing the "Check Engine" light to light on Thursday, I may have to get rid of the car and get a new one because the fix may cost more than the car is worth! 

I REALLY DID NOT NEED THIS AT THE MOMENT!!!!!

Tickle Me Elmo

Got up really early this morning because I had an 8:00 AM appointment at Gogel Tire to have the tire that Tom told me was losing air checked out.  Not only is that tire shot, but my other rear tire is also on its last legs.  However, they didn't have the tires in stock -- they have to order them and I have to return on Monday to have the tires replaced.  Meanwhile, the people at Gogel thought that my tire was so bad that they replaced it with the spare which should get me through to Monday.  Good thing Tom noticed that the tire was bad - I am oblivious to that sort if thing.

Once I got home from Gogel I had a lot of time to kill until I had to leave at 2:00 PM to pick up Natalie at school by 2:35.  So I decided to work on the cake topper for Jacob's birthday.  Lauren and Josh agreed to go with Elmo popping out of a dummy cake.  Jacob LOVES Elmo!  I am doing a dummy rather than a real cake because Lauren prefers to get an ice cream cake.  This is fine because I prefer decorating to baking -- and this way we both get what we want. 

I picked up Natalie, brought her home, and allowed her to watch a DVD while I finished the topper.  If I have to say so myself,  it turned out fantastic!  I may, however, decide to replace the fondant eyes with ones made of gumpaste.  The fondant balls are wrinkling and cracking a bit.  I'll have to see if the eyes wrinkle any further.  I should have known better -- oh well!  I still love it!

Caroline got out from work a lot earlier than she originally expected so we actually were able to have dinner together.  She asked me to pick up vegetarian Indian food from Chand's Palace and sent me a list of the food she and Dan wanted.  I went online to find what I wanted for myself and found that I could order dinner online and actually get a discount for doing so.  And the food was ready at the exact time I asked them to have it ready.  Way too easy!

Dinner was good but quick and I left soon after dinner because I have been so tired this past week.  All in all -- a good day even though I didn't expect it.

How Many Frogs?

The old saying goes: "You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince!".  I want to know how many frogs I'll have to meet before I find mine.

Went to a dinner meet-up with a group called "Alive and Kickin' ".  We met at Jose Tejas Mexican Restaurant in Fairfield.  It was pouring as I drove to the restaurant -- not an auspicious start to the evening since I am not happy about driving any distance in the rain and/or dark of night.  But I got there easily enough and found the group -- 5 women were there before me and they seemed nice enough. 

Before we sat down, a group regular, Bob, showed up and decided that he had to talk to me and only me.  He seemed nice enough, but definitely not dating material -- on the schlubby side, paunchy, and old looking.  There was something very unkempt about him and he was trying way too hard to impress me.  Wanted to shake him and talk to the women but I didn't have the heart to be unkind.

Then on our way to the table another guy suddenly showed up -- Dan who looked like a short Mr Clean wannabe.  I don't know what pheromones I was sending out, but he also decided that I was the only one to talk to.  Maybe its my new haircut!

Dan wound up herding me to the end of the long rectangular table -- me at the end, Dan next to me, with Bob following and sitting himself opposite me.  I was a bit annoyed that I now was isolated from the rest of the women and could not join in their conversation -- and on top of that the restaurant was so noisy!  But not too noisy to hear Dan yell at a waiter who wasn't even the waiter for our table because Dan wanted water and it wasn't coming fast enough.  Lord!

Bob works for some scientific company in Parsippany -- but he isn't a scientist -- I couldn't hear what he actually does.  Dan was a stock broker but now wants to become an actor and is "up for a voice over" (in his own words).  Bob kept on throwing out the names of okay but none too fancy restaurants and asking me if I knew them.  Dan told me he was taking swing and hustle and Italian lessons in addition to going to acting class.  Then in the middle of dinner (none too great dinner unfortunately) Dan stood up and left the table -- I thought to use the restroom but it turns out he just got up and left to go to a dance party or take a swing lesson -- not so much as a goodbye.  Ask me how happy I was sitting at the end of the table next to an empty chair with only Bob to talk to for  the rest of the evening.

Mercifully the evening was short and I was soon able to leave.  Got home safely despite the continuing rain.  But all the swampy wetness did make me think of frogs!