I have been way too busy the last couple of days to sit down and write. By the time I have the time, I am too tired! I've been exhausted lately and feel like I am possibly coming down with a cold or something.
Was having more trouble hearing, so on Monday I went down to Woodbridge to have my hearing aids tuned. Ali, my audiologist, is so sweet. I told her what has been going on -- she went into shock. The audiologist is in the same building and on the same floor as David's alternative medicine practice and David used to do their ear exams between his chelation patients. The receptionist, Maryann, asked how David was liking his new job -- I told her he was liking it - what else could I say? I asked Ali not to tell Maryann what I had just told her. Anyway, now that my hearing aids are fine tuned and hopefully I will have a fighting chance when I do the Information Desk at Morristown Memorial tomorrow.
David came over after work on Monday on his way to Daniel's house for dinner. He needed to collect his mail and do a few minor things around the house for me. As always, our relationship seems so normal when we are together but then he gets up and leaves. I guess on his part there is really nothing there (and probably hasn't been for who knows how long -- I never knew it and he was always hiding it). We both left at the same time -- him to go to Daniel's and me to go to the Martini Bar in Millburn for a meet-up.
The meet-up in Millburn was billed as an "experiential" discussion. It was led by a volunteer who had no training and no experience. She was young and of Indian-Hindu heritage and decided to talk about accepting what was meant to me rather than about experiences. Wish I had know her back ground before paying $14 for the honor of talking to her. She was nice, but definitely not worth paying for. Before the discussion one could purchase drinks and/or food at the bar and mingle with other singles. And once again I sat at the bar mostly by myself. I spoke to several women but the men weren't flocking to me. I started questioning why I am warding off attention. I really was NOT interested in ANYONE there and must have been sending out clear signals that I wasn't interested. I am going to have to learn to manipulate and control my body language. I did meet a nice woman who although ~10 years younger than me has practically the same separation story. She must have been sending out a completely different vibe because several men flocked around her -- even though she was definitely not good looking (attractive but plain). Anyway, we exchanged information and I will see her again this coming Sunday at the Agudath Israel meetup. Maybe this is someone I can comfortably meet for dinner or to do something on a weekend when we are not otherwise occupied.
On Tuesday I saw my therapist for the first time in a month. I asked her why I was still feeling bad a lot of the time since I am definitely moving forward. She said that it is normal to experience the highs and lows but that I was definitely doing well. The lows will eventually get further and further apart and I get used to my new life. We also discussed my body language at socially oriented singles meetups. She said that I was definitely giving off "stay away from me" vibes because I wasn't interested. I was most likely putting up a barrier around me that prevented anyone from approaching. I made another appointment in a month, but after that I think I will call her on an as-needs basis.
Tuesday afternoon was a swirl of Natalie, Sabrina, and making dinner at Jessica and Mike's (veal parmesan and caprese salad). By the time I got home I was tired. But Tuesday didn't even compare to Wednesday. On Wednesday I got up really, really early to take care of everything so I could get to Morristown Memorial by 9:00 for my volunteer courier job. I now can get around the whole hospital on my own without too much trouble -- if I'm unsure I ask -- there is always someone around who can direct me. I did a lot of runs between 9:00 AM and 12:00 PM when I broke for lunch with the group - it is nice to be included in something instead of just walking around on my own. I did another couple of runs after lunch and then left at one. At least I feel really useful doing this courier work.
I had a short break before I had to go to pick up Natalie from her after school activity (chess club) at 3:45 at Collins. I took her from school to her swimming class at Gold gym and then I took her home to my house. I let her watch a movie while I prepared dinner. Used the Foreman grill by myself for the first time -- not a problem. Made grilled chicken, couscous, and caprese salad with the mozzarella cheese left over from dinner at Jessica's. Unfortunately, Dan was stuck at work, so it was just me and Natalie who must have liked the meal because she kept on asking for more chicken. I packed up a meal for Daniel and was getting ready to take it and Natalie to Jessica's so that I could get to my first support group session on time when Daniel came. He took Natalie and the food home and I left almost immediately after.
National Council of Jewish Women runs a six week peer support group "Women Coping with Separation and Divorce". A lot of people have raved about it and I signed up -- the first session was last night. The group is led by two trained "facilitators" who are NOT therapists. There were 9 woman of all different backgrounds there at all different stages of divorce and separation. We had a lot in common: shock, loneliness, need to make friends with people with similar circumstances; and a lot not in common: some have severe financial problems and some are well off, some left and some were left, some are glad to get out of their marriages and some are not. All I can say is thanks god I am not having some of their financial problems - at least at the moment. I have to be careful not to go off the deep end with spending, but David is giving me enough to pay my bills and live essentially like I was living before -- at least for now. Yesterday everyone told their story. Some people were way stronger than other -- I was one of the few who cried -- but I am one of the most recently separated, one of the oldest, one who was probably married the longest, and one of the few who was completely taken by surprise. One woman, Tracey, initiated her separation and doesn't have custody of her children; most of the others had husbands who left. One woman (actually a young girl) has a 4 year old and 2 year old twins. She is new to the area, knows practically no one, has almost no friends here, and no family or support group to help her. Another woman has two adopted teenage daughters and a husband who is not supporting them. She just lost her job and apparently she and her husband haven't paid the mortgage for years so her house is in foreclosure. In addition, her parents are sick and can't help her. So many pathetic stories. I was told that I would grow close to the women in this group, not sure if I will be able to get close to them -- I have so little in common with them at the moment other than that we are all split from our husbands. Well there are 5 more sessions and we'll see.
I was exhausted by the time I got home last night and still tired when I got up this morning for my ceramics class. I got to the class on time to find out that there are now around 10 people in the class only one of whom is a beginner like me. This is so disappointing. The class was listed for beginners who are novices working with clay and cost $370 for the 10 class session. I would have never signed up if I knew that the class would be filled with non-beginners. Instead of spending time helping me and the other beginner, the instructor spent almost all his time with those who already knew what they were doing. I felt ignored! I was there from 10:00 AM until 11:55 AM and barely got any attention. I had no idea what I was doing. As soon as I was able to start something on the wheel, it collapsed and I had to start all over again. I asked for help a number of times and the instructor came over, told me to do something, and left to help others. Finally, at 11:55 I told him that I was unhappy, and left. I went to the office to try and get a refund - at best they will give me a credit for classes not taken. They say they can not prevent anyone from taking any class if the time is good for them. But this class was listed as a beginners class and I am NOT happy. Before next Thursday, I will have to decide if I want to get a credit for classes not taken or whether I will try to continue with this class. I am going to look through the brochure and see what else is offered at times when I can take classes since the schedule seems to be the same from semester to semester.
Well that brings me to the present. Meeting Sharon K for dinner tonight. Haven't seen her since mid-August which is not unusual -- I hadn't seen her for years before that. As a long time divorcee, she was able to give me some very good advice last time. Let's see what else I can learn tonight.
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