While getting myself ready to meet up with Jane and Joe, the last of my Labor Day weekend babysitters, I look into the mirror and smile at myself -- but although my lips curve into a smile, my eyes aren't smiling back at me. They are hollow and dead and filled with sadness. Will they ever really gleam again? I don't know! For the first time since he left nearly two months ago, I realize that I am truly broken and I am not sure that I can ever be fixed again.
I go through the motions every day but I no longer feel anything. I don't even hate him at the moment - I just feel empty and drained. Do I want to move forward? Do I even want to go on? I don't know if I can continue -- and that really scares me.
I love my children and my grandchildren. I truly want to see the new one that is on the way. But is this enough? I'm no longer sure.
Last night I told Ann about David and I having a "date" night coming up next Saturday. She thinks I am crazy. Truth is, I think I am crazy too. Why am I doing this to myself? It was one thing when I thought that he might come back; but at this point I highly doubt that. So am I setting myself up for an evening of pain and torture? Why am I setting myself up for an evening of pain and torture? But if I cancel am I closing that door, locking it, and throwing away the key? Do I want this to be over once and for all?
I wish I could answer some of my own questions. And amazingly, writing this is NOT making me cry. Am I too broken to even cry now?
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