Why does everyone either tell me how strong I am doing all the right things or give me unworkable and unsolicited suggestions on how to proceed with my life? Can't the former see how vulnerable I am and how I am falling apart inside? Can't the latter listen to my reasoning for not wanting to do something instead of getting annoyed that I don't want to do it?
Jill called this morning wanting to talk to me about making cakes and cupcakes at home to sell at a store owned by one of her friends. She just couldn't understand that I want to do something that will get me OUT of the house not something that will keep me isolated at home. Besides, I am not enjoying baking and decorating at the moment. I know that Jill means well -- but this is NOT what I want to do right now.
I had lunch with my son-in-law today. He told me that I am doing amazingly well. Everyone apparently expected me to fall apart, blow up, throw things, lock myself in the house in a deep depression, and lord know what other destructive things. This is the picture David painted of me and put into everyone's mind. Arghh! I am not falling apart but I am dieing inside. He did this! He did this! He did this! But the truth is that I am still here and I haven't imploded. Will I ever get to a better place? Have I already gotten to a better place?
Mike also said that I should concentrate on the positives that have come out of this. He is thrilled to see that Jessica and I have gotten much closer since this happened. So true. I am also closer with Josh and Dan and Lauren and Mike - not 100% sure about Caroline -- but Caroline is Caroline and she is impossible to pin down. In general, this is a very good thing! And I am grateful.
I've also gotten to be a lot more tolerant of the foibles of others. My old cleaning lady was supposed to come by this morning to return my key. She called before 9 and told me she would be here in 30 minutes. An hour-and-a-half later she came by crying that she just lost her phone and the keys to ALL her client's houses. Somehow managed to put them on the hood of her car and forget them there before she driving off. She spent over and hour trying to locate them to no avail. I didn't fall apart and scream -- there is nothing I could do about her losing her phone and all the keys that her clients have given her, including mine. My contractor Tom, who is currently here fixing the front walk, said that if she breaks into the house using the key then turns the alarm off we will know it is her. Truth be told, she could have made a copy of my key before returning it and broken in anyway. I do however need a key for the new cleaning girl -- but once again Tom came to the rescue and gave me his. He has a way of getting in through the garage without using a key, so he doesn't need it.
I went to the market today and bought the supplies to make tuna and macaroni salad for dinner at Jessica's on Tuesday and to make Cavatappi with roasted cauliflower for dinner at Josh's on Wednesday. Why two different pasta dishes? Jessica doesn't like cauliflower and Lauren can't eat tuna at the moment. Life sure is interesting. Lord knows what will happen with the meal I am supposed to have with Dan and Caroline next week -- even if it is not canceled I know that Caroline doesn't like what I make.
Also bought a needlepoint canvas and a counted cross stitch canvas to keep myself busy in the evenings. So much for only doing activities with other people. But when I am home, I can at least concentrate on these activities instead of on my problems.
Will stop by Josh's today to spend some time with Ann LoPresti (Lauren's mom). She is at Josh's while Josh and Lauren are in Bermuda. Everyone is taking such good care of me - the only one who doesn't give a shit is David.
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