I have always been a believer in solving my own problems. I feel that I am just as smart as anyone who has a degree allowing them to hang out a shingle and counsel patients; that I have an instinct for what is right for me; and that I have a strong will that helps me make changes that need to be made. I saw a therapist two or three times during my first year of marriage (don't want to talk about that at the moment, but it definitely could be related!) -- definitely did not help me -- and I haven't been back since -- that is until now!
When my husband first blindsided me with the news that he was leaving, we finally agreed to go to a marriage counselor together. Our first session was on a Monday soon after the announcement. Throughout the hour, David kept on saying "I want to try but I don't see how it is going to work". He said it so many times that the therapist turned around and said that she saw nothing she could work on to rebuild our marriage: he wanted out; I wanted him to stay -- no middle ground -- I lose. Although we scheduled a second session for that Friday, the therapist's pronouncement gave David the license to pick up and leave -- and he did. I've been blaming her for saying that there was nothing left in our marriage to work on, but in truth, she was calling a spade a spade. By the time we went back to see her on Friday we had already agreed to separate and find our own separate therapists.
That weekend I called a list of therapists covered by our insurance and made an appointment with the first one who responded. I was very much taken aback when I first met the therapist -- so young -- as young as if not younger than my daughter. How had life past me by and left me way older than any professional support system available to me? Last week the session was information gathering and I wasn't sure if I would continue seeing her. This week was better.
Today we talked - talked about my "blog", talked about my signing up for a meetup with people in my circumstances, talked about my frustrations in looking for part time work, talked about my thoughts about David's and my whole relationship. We talked about both David and I bringing years of issues to the table that have caused this rift despite me blaming myself for everything that has happened. We talked about my now being unsure if I would even want to take David back if he wanted to come back. Today I was comfortable talking to her and could see these sessions continuing for a while.
Today a feel a little stronger. Welcome to the 2010s!
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