When did I first start thinking that David never really loved me? Maybe it was a feeling I had a long time ago -- maybe I'm rationalizing his leaving now.
I was the one who wanted to get married all those years ago. He wanted to live together. If I had moved in with him back in 1969, would we have ever gotten married or would we have broken up and moved on. I'll never know. But now knowing that most of his reactions to me from the very start consisted of hiding his true feelings and smoothing things over so that he could go on and avoid a conflict at any cost, I question whether we should have been together from the beginning. Did he just agree to get married because he didn't want to fight with me? Did I sense this at the very beginning of our marriage? We had all that trouble the first year -- was it because I felt that he resented my being there? He had lived alone in our apartment for a year before we got married (his first year of medical school). Did he harbor a resentment that I moved in a took up his space once we did get married? God, why is this haunting me now?
Jessica said that she always felt that I was an unhappy person but I never thought of myself as unhappy -- always thought I was content. Had my desire to move out of my parents' house so overridden my thoughts that I was willing to accept whatever it took to get out?
I remember going to Jill and Harvey's house for Shabbat dinner many years ago. Harvey read a passage from the bible after Jill lit candles about how a man has to respect his wife and be thankful for all she does for him and the family. I remember being jealous because I believed that David never felt that way toward me - I believed he secretly harbored a resentment that he could have done better. But I was content with my life and unwilling to confront this with David.
Am I going to make myself crazy thinking of what I should have realized years ago? I don't think he ever LOVED me.
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