For quite some time I have picked up Natalie after whatever activity she has on Wednesdays and Fridays and spent the afternoons with her while Dan and Caroline worked. This includes visiting Jacob on Wednesdays. David has always been a part of this time whenever he is not working; and David has continued showing up despite having left me. At first I really welcomed the opportunity to spend time with him -- but now I feel that he is just spending time with the kids and ignoring me. This has become draining and upsetting. His coldness to my feeling makes me cry every time. I hate it! No matter how good I am feeling about myself before he comes, I seem to lose it as soon as he shows up. However, I'm not sure I want to make a fuss about this yet: Natalie's schedule changes in two-three weeks as soon as she starts all-day kindergarten and David's schedule changes as soon as his new job takes affect. But if this continues into the fall, I will have to suggest that he set up his own visiting hours and leave mine to me.
The worst part about the whole thing is that David purposely has left the only times he sees me to the times when the grandchildren are around. Jacob who is only 22 months old doesn't understand our adult conversation; but Natalie who is almost 6 years old understands everything - so we can't talk around her. What David has set up is a situation where I have to act the way he has acted all these years - cover up my feelings and pretend everything is okay. But this doesn't work for me -- I break down in tears every time. Can't help it - they just start flowing. I was so upset and annoyed yesterday that David agreed to come over this coming Monday between his Woodbridge office hours and dinner at Jessica's to talk to me when there are no grandchildren around. Not that I have anything I want to say to him -- but I feel that I at least scored a point.
Went to my vault this morning and put away my engagement ring and diamond wedding band. I no longer feel comfortable wearing them. If I am going to a "singles" meet-and-greet this weekend, I don't want to show up wearing these rings and I don't want to leave them lying around the house when I am not home. Best to put them into the vault for now. If David and I reconcile, I can take them out and wear them again. If not, I'll have them made into a necklace which I can wear whenever I want. This is a really big step for me.
I had hoped to run into the woman who opened my accounts and encouraged me to apply for a teller's position at the bank. Wanted to find out if she knew why I wasn't a match for the job. But she wasn't in. Guess this wasn't meant to be. However, the trip to my vault reminded me that Josh had hidden jewelry he bought to give to Lauren at some later date in David's and my vault. I sent a text to Josh and asked him what he wanted me to do with those things since I have no guarantee that David will continue paying for that vault now that he and I each have our own separate boxes. My new box is half the size of the box we shared so I don't have room for Josh's stuff. Josh asked me to remove his gifts, store them at home, and give them to him sometime when Lauren is not around. Now all that is left in that huge box are some papers which might be totally worthless for all I know (I didn't go through them thoroughly).
Spent the rest of this morning applying for volunteer work at Morristown Hospital and at a Family Health Center in Morristown. Tried to call St Barnabas in Livingston too, but the message said to call back in September so I left a message to do so on my phone calendar. I've been warned NOT to take a paying job no matter how part time and how little it pays. Maybe I should start heeding warnings from people who know.
Am also looking into Painting or Ceramic classes but am not thrilled with what I am find -- only a couple of possibilities during hours when I can attend. Have to think about this but feel that I have to rush to secure a spot.
Meeting Sherril, from book club, for a drink and talk at 2:30 and then Michele for dinner at 7:30. Feel like I am eating way too much and will gain back all I lost but relish the company.
No comments:
Post a Comment