Feeling So Low

David came over yesterday evening so that we could talk without having grandchildren (little pitchers with big ears) around.  It was horrible.  Seeing him but knowing he doesn't care sets me off every time.  I just start crying uncontrollably even though I know this is the worst thing I can do - nothing will win him back quicker than a hysterical woman!  Assuming that I do want him back -- I no longer know!

I just feel so alone and so empty.  Will this ever get better?  Another nail in the coffin:  Caroline sent an email this morning saying that she and Natalie were going down to her mother's on Thursday -- so there go my plans for Friday.  I am completely and utterly alone this WHOLE weekend -- it is making me crazy.  And now I feel like I am lost today -- on a Tuesday -- what did I do last Tuesday that made me feel less alone then than now?

In her email, Caroline also asked if I can pick up Natalie at 2:40 PM on Wednesdays and Fridays during the school year.  I wish she would sit down and talk to me rather than assign me pick up duty via email.  I told her that although I want to continue spending time with Natalie after she starts kindergarten, I would like to sit down and discuss options.  Picking up Natalie on Wednesdays is a problem:  I see Jake from 2:00-4:00 and then stay on at Josh's for dinner (will also have my support group 6 Wednesday evenings in a row starting mid-October); and picking up Natalie on Fridays means that I have to forgo any social activities on a possible date night.  This would be okay if I met with Dan, Caroline, and Natalie for dinner on Fridays - but so far they have canceled 3 out of 4. Let's see how she responds or if she just blows me off.

I signed up for a Ceramics class on Thursday mornings starting mid-September at the Yard School in Montclair.  Hopefully this will be fun and a good way to meet some creative people.  Also signed up for a couple of additional meetups including one for 45+ singles at Temple Agudat Israel in Caldwell - the very temple my friend Helen (from Prudential) wanted me to attend with her - ironic!

Hired a new cleaning lady this week for a much more reasonable price - $120 every two weeks (rather than the $190 I was paying).  Elizabeth from Crystal Cleaning is supposed to return my key tomorrow; Anna (Russian) from Anna's Cleaning starts next week.